Happy Never After, A JART Story
by SleepWhenYouDie
Summary: It's been a year since Jason said goodbye to Bart and left for America with his Dad. Now Sinead's away on a girl's holiday in California, but her fun is cut short when she sees a familiar face - who is definatly no longer going by the name Jason.
1. Because I Love Him

**A/N Heyy, thanks for reading this fan-fic, I'm not completly sure how long it will be, guess I'll just have to see how it goes. Please review, good or bad - it'll be appreciated. Thank-you, em, not sure how to end this - enjoy? :)**

**Jasmine P.O.V:**

"Jas - over here, table". Marcus put his hand on my sholder and ushered me over to table number 4, where judging by the stack of plates in comparison to the small size of the table, some-one very over-weight had previously been sitting.

"You know I pay you to work not chat to your friends", he scolded.

"I know, I'm sorry". I apologised quickly, hoping he'd go away soon - he was slightly intimidating and had a tendency to spit all over you whenever he talked. He made some kind of grunting noise and walked back to behind the counter. I glanced over at my friends, Kayleigh trying incredibly hard not to laugh as I wiped my face. I'm sure it was funny for them. They'd never had to work a day in their lives and probably never would. Back in England I'd been considered rich because my Dad was a retired footballer and my parents owned a pub. Here in California it was a completly different story. My boyfriend Mark in particular found it hillarious how people back in Chester thought I was wealthy. Then again they also thought I was still living as a boy, so they didn't exactly know much. But I left out that part to Mark, along any-one else that knew me here. I was Jasmine Costello. End of.

"That's hardly appropriate talk", I heard Marcus practicly yell. I immideatly felt sorry for whoever he was adressing - they must be drenched.

"You know what? Just get out!" They had clearly annoyed him. I turned to see who it was, I could only see the back of her - a girl with long straight blonde hair.

"Fine. We were after some food not a shower anyway". I recognized the Liverpool accent coming from a brunette standing next to her. As she turned around I hoped to a God I wasn't even sure I believed in that I was being paranoid, that it wasn't who I thought it was. She turned around fully as they all walked towards the exit of the resteraunt. Shit. I froze on the spot, my whole body shaking. _Please don't notice me. Please don't let Sinead notice me._ I didn't know why she was here, but it was definatly her. Luckily she was with Maddie and Tilly, who'd only known me as Jason, but Sinead knew what I looked like as Jasmine all too well. Crap. Crap crap crap. Maddie was walking towards me.

"I'd quit if I were you", she told me. "The guys a nut job".

"What, just like your boyfriend?" Sinead joked, walking over to us.

"Shut up alright, Callum's a great guy", Maddie laughed. Wait, Callum? The guy who, when I left college hadn't even said a word all year. With Maddie, one of the loudest people in the Hollyoaks Sixth Form? I was distrupted from my thoughts about Maddie and Callum as Sinead arrived at her side. From her shaken expression, she knew exactly who I was, slowly putting her hand to her mouth, her eyes starting to water up slightly.

"Jason?" Her voice quavered.

"Jasmine". I was almost whispering. Maddie looked momentarily confused, but appeared to catch on fairly quickly. She turned to Sinead.

"Shall I give you a minute?"

Sinead nodded. Maddie gave her a quick smile and breifly placed her hand on Sinead's sholder before walking over to Tilly, taking her arm and walking out.

"Let's get out of here". It seemed like more of an order than a request but I really couldn't leave work, not with Marcus in this mood.

"I'm working".

"This is more important. Don't you think I deserve an explanation? Come on".

Sinead didn't normally talk in such short sentances, she was one of those people that could easily talk forever. I could tell she was chosing her words carefully, something she didn't do often. Seeing her pleading expression, I obliged, starting to walk out. Neither of us said anything until we'd left and I'd led her to a bench over-looking my favourite beach.

"It's gorgeous here. No wonder you moved".

"You get used to it. And I didn't exactly move for the view".

"No".

We were avoiding the subject - but sooner or later it had to be brought up.

"We need to talk".

Sinead turned towards me.

"Yeah, we do", she agreed.

I took a deep breath.

"I didn't mean for you to find out".

"About being Jasmine?"

"No. I didn't want anyone from home to know. Especially not you or ...". I trailed off mid-sentance.

"How long have you been like this? A girl?"

"I've been a girl ever since I was born, Sinead". She nodded. "But I know what you mean. And about six months".

"So you didn't know when you left then? That you wanted to be a Jasmine?"

"No". I really wanted to just leave it there, but like she said, I owed her an explanation.

"It was only really since I moved here. When my treatment started to get serious". I paused, and turned to face her directly - I'd been avoiding looking at her since we sat down but this bit was important, and I needed her to know I meant it.

"I meant it all, you know. About wanting to be a boy. _Needing_ to be". I shook my head. "I never would have put every-one through all that pain on a whim". We both knew exactly who I was talking about when I said every-one. Even though neither of us had dared bring up his name yet. She nodded, tears forming in her eyes once more.

"I know", I could barely hear her voice, it was so quiet. "I know you'd never want to hurt him". She sighed, running her hand through her hair. "Do you still love him?"

"Sinead..."

"Yes or no?"

"He's with you now. I don't want to ruin things for you. Honest to God, I don't. I can't cause him any more pain and confusion, and believe it or not I don't want to hurt you either. I meant what I said before I left - that I'm sorry, and we're friends".

"So that's a yes then?" She shook her head. "Bart loves you, Jasmine. He tries to hide it but ... as Jason he could just about manage it, he still talks about you though. Him. I sometimes wonder if he loved Jason too. But Jasmine ... you can't even mention the name around him". She wiped a tear off her cheek fiercly. "He loves me. I know he does". She looked up, taking a breath before turning back to me. "But I can never compare to Jasmine. No-one can. I could live with it, Jasmine didn't exist, but now you do ... he should know. You need to tell him". I noticed she was talking about me mostly in third person, clearly confused. I didn't blame her.

"You're happy with him. You love him. I don't want to break you up again". That was only partly true. The thought of Bart being with Sinead killed me inside, and as much as I felt sorry for her and didn't want to hurt her, my love for Bart was much stronger than our friendship, and I knew that if he was to appear right now and tell me he loved me too, Sinead would vanish completly from my mind.

"Two summers ago, in the woods - yeah, you broke us up. You came barging in where you weren't needed and spoilt everything. But it wasn't just then. It was the whole time me and Bart had been going out until that point. You just would not let it go". She sighed. I felt a slight pang of guilt as I remembered all the times I'd tried to come between them, all the snide remarks I'd made. "I don't really blame you. I probably would have done the same. But your not trying to break us up this time. Even when you went back to Jasmine - you must've known Bart would want you then - you stayed away. It's not your fault. You didn't force him to love you. You tried so hard to make him let go. But he can't. Believe me I've tried". She was properly crying now. I didn't know what to do - part of me wanted to hug and comfort her but I was the one causing the hurt in the first place. For the countless time, I'd brought Sinead O'Connor to tears.

She fumbled about in her shorts pocket and handed me a phone.

"Call him", she said, standing up.

"What?"

"Call him. Tell him your back as Jasmine".

"Why would you want me to do that? I thought you loved him?"

She nodded.

"I'm doing it _because_ I love him. So he can be happy. The happiest he could be. He can laugh and joke all he wants but deep down, the only thing than can make him properly happy is Jasmine bloody Costello. "

"You know he might not even want me".

"Yeah right. As much as I want him to tell you I'm the only girl for him - he won't. I know it. Go on, call him".

I stared at the phone for a while before clicking onto contacts and scrolling down to Bart's number. She'd named him as "Bart XXX". Even when we were dating, me as Jasmine, I'd had him saved as a simple "Bart Mob". Sinead was far more girly than I was, even now that for some reason my need to be a boy had decreased greatly, enough for me to finally feel comfortable in my own body, I still had the same personality I always had done. I was a tomboy and happy hanging around with the lads, wearing loose-fitting clothes. Not Bart's type at all - it was still a mystery why he'd fallen for me in the first place. Sinead was exactly what he'd been looking for. Ballsy but also feminine, she liked to strut around in ridiculously heighted heels but wasn't as high maintence as the likes of Maddie Morrison. She didn't expect too much from him but was sure to put him in his place when he was out of line, and the aspect that tipped it over the edge for me - she loved him. As far as I knew she'd never hurt him or broken his heart. That had been his job.

I knew exactly what it felt like to be screwed around by Bart McQueen. Deep down he meant well, but didn't always know how to go about it. I'd lost track of the ammount of times that, as Jason, he'd promise me everything, express his undying love for me, only to shut me out of his life the moment the outside world threatened to find out. The times he'd tell me how much he missed and loved me only for me to discover it was actually Jasmine he had been referring to, not Jason. Not even both. It had torn me apart. As much as I'd hated her at the time, it had had the exact same effect on Sinead.

She still lived in Hollyoaks, had the same friends, went to the same college. I was living out here in California with Dad, my new American friends and boyfriend. Okay so I was by no means in love with Mark. For a start his name reminded me of my grotesque boss, his personality was slightly on the dry side and his nose was constantly up in the air, metaphoricly at least. I only really started dating him to try and take my mind of Bart. And unlike him with Sinead, the rebound had most definatly had not lead to love. But he was some-one. Who did Sinead have if she lost Bart? She'd already sacrificed her friends Ruby and Esther to be with him, and although she was clearly still on good terms with Tilly and Maddie, they'd been Bart's friends since they were little. She couldn't hang around with them and not him. And after breaking up, being only friends is painful. I should know.

And the thought of going back to Hollyoaks, Bart aside - everyone judging and laughing at me, the girl who wanted to be a boy and then changed her mind? I liked it out here - once I'd decided being Jason was no longer for me, Dad and I had moved to a different part of the state where I could start a-fresh again, as Jasmine. Hollyoaks village and my home above The Dog In The Pond had faded into nothing but a distant memory that I tried hard to pretend had been a dream. I dreaded going back so much that my brothers Seth and Riley had to come out here to visit me. Not that they'd seen me as Jasmine again yet. I looked out at the sea, the sun shining down on it, the rays of light causing the waves to shimmer and sparkle as they frothed at the edges and lapped onto the soft golden sand. After a few more moments of thought, I knew what I was going to do. Slowly, I handed the phone back over to Sinead.

"_You_ call him", I told her. "Tell him you've been missing him, you love him, and you can't wait to see him when you get back".

Sinead's expression was unreadable as she struggled to disgest what I'd just said. Eventually she put the phone back in her pocket.

"Thank you". She smiled at me, but not fully, obviously still thrown by the whole situation.

"You know, I'm going to be out here for a few more days", she continued. "Girl's week away. The lads have jetted off to Jonno's uncle's place in Greece. It'd be good to catch up some time".

I nodded. As much as my actions of just now had pained me, thinking of how I'd let Bart go once and for all to Sinead, without even his realization, any information about him I could learn from Sinead would be a relief. I still thought about him, worried how he was getting on. There was always some kind of family drama going on with the McQueen's. But I also wanted to hear about Sinead. We'd been through so much together, both knew exactly what it was like to be broken down by Bart, gone through the exact same thing in different ways. In a weird way it had formed a bond between us. I nodded.

"Okay".

"I'll text you some time".

"I changed my number". I reached for my phone, scrolled down to "Own Number" on my contacts list, and read the didgits out to her as she tapped them into her own mobile.

"I'll see you soon then", she smiled, still only a half smile, as she turned to walk away.

"Yeah".

She turned around to face me once more.

"You know I really mean it - thank you. I'm so grateful for what you did, said, just now. I know how much it must hurt. Just - just thanks, okay?"

I nodded. Nothing else needed to be said. She returned the nod and carried on walking, while I leaned back on the bench looking out to sea again. I liked looking out at the sea, it had been my main coping mechanism this past year. It was the same with the stars or the sky - the feeling that it's never ending and that some-where, halfway across the world, Bart McQueen might just be looking at the same view.


	2. Nobody Can Compare

**Seth's P.O.V**

"You not coming in?" Martin "Jonno" Johnson yelled from the small outside pool of his uncle's villa, where he had his arm around two different girls I was pretty sure we didn't know. Typical.

"I was going to meet Neil and Bart down at the beach", I replied.

"Okay, I'll just keep these lovely ladies company by myself then", Jonno replied, his hands wandering further and further downwards. I laughed and rolled my eyes, walking out of the garden and shutting the creaky gate behind me. Jonno always seemed to get any girl he wanted. It secretly annoyed the hell out of me. My Dad was an ex pro footballer, my brother Riley was playing for a premiership team, and how much female attention did I get? Hardly any. Not that I had anything to do with Dad these days, but still, I'd hoped he could at least do something half-helpful for me in my life by helping me score a few girls. No such bloody luck. My brother Jason had gotten more attraction than me and he was really a girl.

I cursed myself mentally for the harsh thought about Jason and carried on walking to the beach. I needed to block Jason from my mind, anyway. He was gone. My twin sister Jasmine was finally back. I hadn't yet seen her, she was still out living the high life in California while I was stuck in rainy Chester, and while she was determined never to step foot in Hollyoaks village again, I was resentful to visit her in America and risk running into Dad, Carl Costello, the man I hated more than anything. The fact that my hate for him was postponing me from seeing Jas just made me loathe him even more.

As I reached the beach I felt a large thud on my back. Turning around I saw Neil approaching me.

"Good aim huh?"

"What?" I asked him, confused.

"The beachball. Hit you right on didn't it?"

I nodded, deciding not to ask why he was throwing it in my direction in the first place. Sometimes it was just better not to ask with Neil. Bart soon joined us.

"Seth - finally woke up then mate?" He nudged me. "Wait, where's Jonno? He's not still asleep is he? Lazy fucker".

"Well he probably is in bed by now", I replied. "But not alone".

"Ah", Bart grinned. "I expect we'll get all the details later then".

"You think?" Neil asked sounding way too enthusiastic. From the weirded out look Bart and I shared he'd obviously had the same thought as me.

"So", Bart continued, trying to ignore Neil's comment, "How many girls have you two pulled so far this week?"

"Aw too many to count, man", Neil boasted unconvincingly.

"Yeah, sure", Bart replied. "What about you mate?"

"A gentleman never tells".

"Yeah well your not a fucking gentleman so we don't need to worry about that one, do we?" Bart teased. I laughed. The truth was I hadn't gone all the way with any of the girls this week, one night stands weren't really my thing, not after the events of Riley's stag do, and anyway I'd hardly been bombarded with opportunities, but I wasn't in a rush to tell them that.

"I know what it is".

"Huh?" I was slightly confused by Bart's statement.

"You haven't got with anyone because you've got some-one at home. Has Ruby come down with some sort of mental illness meaning she actually now finds you attractive?"

"Hillarious. There's no girl".

"Who've you been texting pretty much 24-7 since we got here then?" Neil laughed. "Your Mum?"

Bart and I stopped walking for a moment while Neil carried on, oblivious. Bart put a hand on my sholder.

"You alright mate?"

"I'm fine". I tried to shrug it off but he wasn't falling for it.

"Mate that was uncalled for", he called after Neil, who turned around looking confused. His facial expression then changed greatly as he realized the huge mistake he'd just made.

"Crap, mate I'm sorry".

"It's fine", I repeated, as we carried on walking. I could only vaguely hear their conversation as my mind started to wonder. I thought of Grandad, how we'd trusted him, loved him, defended him against the likes of Lynsey Nolan and her accusations against him - how if we'd listened to her, Mum would still be alive. How different things would be if Mum was still around. Jason - Jasmine - I wasn't sure how to think of her now, but she'd been Jason when she left anyway - Jason, would never have left with Dad. He would have stayed with Riley, Mum and I. When he decided he wanted to go back to being Jasmine, she could have had the support of all of us. Mum would have been thrilled. She'd never know that Jasmine was back. Seeing Jas turn into Jason had broken her heart.

For about the twentieth time that day I was once again thinking about Jasmine. I'd know it would be hard, before Jase left for California, but I had no idea just how empty I'd feel after not seeing my twin for almost a year. I'd only seen him/her - I really wasn't sure anymore - once this year, out in California when Riley and I flew out to visit, and even then we only had a day together before Dad barged in demanding to spend time with us too, and Riley and I left abruptly.

"Seth are you even listening?" Bart punched me lightly on the arm, jolting me out of my daydream. "You were completly out of it mate".

"Thinking about that girl he's got at home", Neil stated sounding very sure of himself. Bart nodded.

"Okay so if it's not Ruby who is it?"

"You wouldn't want to know", I replied.

"It's not Sinead is it?" Bart sounded partly worried and partly furious, waiting for a response. I could see the anger and hurt building up in his eyes, he clearly cared about her.

"It's not Sinead".

"Okay". Bart tried to calm himself down. "Okay", he repeated, I assumed to try and confirm it to himself. "So who is it then?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know". I was right. Obviously not in the way Bart was assuming, but I had been thinking about a girl. And the last thing Jasmine wanted was for Bart to be aweare of her return.

Luckily no more was said on the subject as a group of five incredibly good looking girls started to approach. Okay, so maybe I had to wait ages to see Jasmine, but there was nothing I could do about that right now, and right now it looked like this holiday was about to get a lot better.

**Sinead's P.O.V**

I was still shaking slightly when I arrived back at the hotel. Maddie and Tilly were spread out on sunloungers by the pool, Maddie wearing possibly the skimpiest bikkini I'd ever seen and sucking on her ice lolly seductivly while peering over her designer sunglasses at the eye candy, seeming to have temporarily forgotten about Callum, while Tilly was sat back reading a book. I sat on the lounger beside Maddie and tapped her lightly.

"Hey, Mads. When your done window-shopping a holiday fling I need to talk to you".

"Who says it's only window shopping?"

"Possibly Callum".

She looked shocked.

"Callum! Shit! I completly forgot about him for a moment there. I'm going to blame it on the ammount of martini's I had last night".

Tilly looked up from her book, clearly amused.

"So you can remember what you had to drink last night, just not that your in a relationship", she teased. Maddie glared at us both as we laughed.

"If you weren't having enough of a personal drama today, I would be seriously pissed off with you for that", she told me.

"Okay, well not to sound like you or anything but can we talk about me now?"

"Oh hilarious, Sinead. You know, you two make me out to be so much more self obsessed than I actually am. Even ask Callum".

"Sorry, who?" Tilly laughed. "Oh, right your boyfriend".

"Give it a rest", Maddie snapped.

"Sorry", I apologised. "It must be the ammount of martini's we had last night".

It felt good to have a laugh. So far, today had been nothing but a disaster.

"Right, let's go up to our room", Maddie sighed. "As much of a pain in the ass as your currently being, Sinead, I do want to be there for you".

I smiled as we started to walk into the hotel lobby. Even though Jasmine had refused to call Bart, I didn't really know what was going to happen next, if Bart would ever find out, whether I should tell him anyway, every possible scenario had flickered through my mind at least a hundred times, but whatever happened, I knew my friends had got my back. I was grateful - I had a feeling I was going to need them.

We settled down on the sofa in our suite, over looking the pool we'd just been at.

"Right", Tilly kicked off the conversation. "So in the resteraunt, that was Jason, but as Jasmine?"

"Yeah". I was glad they'd at least known Jason - the whole situation would have been so hard to explain to some-one with no previous idea about it. "She's gone back to being Jasmine".

"Wow", Tilly replied. "I always thought he was so sure".

"So did he. She. Aparantly it was only when the treatment started to get serious she started to have doubts. She didn't really tell me why she changed her mind. Then again we weren't talking for long. We're going to meet up some time before we go home". I turned to Tilly. "You can come if you want. I know you were good friends with Jason".

"Aren't we avoiding the main situation here?" Maddie asked. "Bart McQueen? Wasn't he in love with Jasmine?"

I nodded.

"And Jasmine was in love with Bart. She was as Jason, too. And when she was Jason, Bart was with me, and in love with Jasmine". I sighed. "It's so screwed up".

"So what's Bart going to do now she's back?" For some-one who had at one point made their sole priority splitting up Bart and I to get him to herself, Maddie looked really genuinly concerned.

"That's the thing. Jasmine doesn't want Bart to know about her. I tried to get her to, but she wouldn't. She let him go. But if Bart finds out from Seth or some-one - I assume he knows, and finds out I knew and didn't tell him - we'll be over. And if I tell him we're over too".

I tilted my head back, trying to blink back tears. I did not want to cry again today. I was on holiday.

"I just really love him, you know?"

"We know babe". Tilly put her arm around me as I got a joint hug from the two of them.

"Now I know just how Jason felt", I told them.

"What? Are you telling us you want to be a guy?" Maddie asked, looking thoroughly confused.

"No", I laughed slightly. "But I know how it feels now, to really love a guy, but know that as much as you love him and he loves you, he's better off with some-one else".

"Hey, how do you know he's better off with Jasmine? Don't put yourself down like that!" Maddie scolded.

"I know", I inhaled deeply, trying to get my head around what I was about to say, what I'd been trying to put to the back of my mind for nearly two years. "Because Jasmine Costello was the love of Bart's life. No-one can compare to her".

**Jasmine's P.O.V**

I picked my ringing phone up from the kitchen sideboard irritatedly. I'd been trying to ignore it for the past half hour - after today I wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody, but whoever it was just wouldn't stop ringing.

"What?"

"Ah, Jason, lovely to hear from you too". The sound of my older brother's voice after so long was almost enough to comfort me, even if the use of my old name sounded strange, especially after my conversation with Sinead earlier that day.

I still hadn't told Riley about being Jasmine again yet. Apart from the new addition of Sinead, the only people that had known me as Jason that now knew I was once again Jasmine were my Dad, because I lived with him, and Seth, because as much as I wished I could avoid the conversation, he was and always would be my twin brother, no matter what gender I was or how far apart in the world we were, and he deserved to know. Although I'd sworn him to secrecy, something he was less than happy with obliging to, I'd secretly hoped he would have told Riley. As much as it would have hurt him knowing I only told Seth, I was dreading the day I would have to explain to some-one about my being Jasmine once more. I knew that considering Riley was my brother, this was incredibly selfish of me, but that side of me wasn't strong enough to overcome my fear of telling him. Until now. Talking to Sinead had given me a burst of confidence.

"Jason, are you there?"

I'd clearly been mulling it all over for longer than I'd thought.

"Riley, hey".

"Oh, so finally you answer?"

Those words made me freeze for a moment, my heart thudding. Bart had said those exact words to me on the phone, less than twelve hours before he found out I wanted to be a boy. I treasured that night in my memory - as heartbreaking as it had been, attempting to have sex with Bart, breaking up with him, breaking his heart simulationiously, running into his bathroom to self harm while Fern blackmailed me with a sound recording of me admitting how I felt about my body, it had also been our last night together, as an official couple. As Jasmine and Bart. Earlier that night had been great. We'd eaten at Relish along with my friend Anita, Bart had rescued my confiscated phone for me by breaking into the school, I'd come back to his and annoying as Fern tagging along was, and nervewracking as it was not knowing whether or not she was going to blurt out my secret, the moments when she was out of the room and it was just me and Bart made it worth it. I remembered his expression when I told him I was ready to try again at having sex with him. His voice became much softer, his expression full of care and concern as well as happiness as he asked if I was sure - he'd never cared so much about some-one before and I could tell.

I snapped back to real time. Riley. On the phone. Expecting an answer. From Jason for Christ's sake.

"Yeah, look Riley, I need to speak to you".

I heard a door slam in the background.

"For God's sake Mercedes!" Riley yelled. "What are you doing!"

I was slightly confused at this - had Riley gotten back together with the McQueen slut or was she just storming in uninvited as she always had done?

"Look", Riley said to me. "I'm going to have to call you back".

"I'm back as Jasmine". I probably should have prepared him for it, but I didn't know how long I had until he hung up, and I needed to get the message to him before I lost the courage to do it. I held the phone hesitantly as I waited for a response, the line went silent. He must have been in shock. I glanced at my phone - the call was ended. He'd presumably hung up before hearing me. Fucking great. I threw my phone against the kitchen cupboards angrily, which I immideatly regretted when it landed on the hard kitchen floor with a thud, creating a massive crack on the screen.

I picked up the phone, breathing deeply, trying to compose myself. I caught a glimpse of my reflection through the bread bin. My light blonde hair scraped my sholders like it had done before, the very front section of my hair tucked behind my hear like I'd always had it as Jasmine. I may have been a year older but I looked almost exactly the same as the last time any-one had seen me as a girl. Sinead had thought Bart deserved to know. It was true, Bart meant to world to me, but Riley was my brother and I hadn't even told him. I was certain now that I needed to. It wasn't fair on Seth, either, having to keep such a huge secret from him. The last time he'd had to do that had been about Dad and Mercedes' affair, when Dad forced him to keep quiet. If there was one thing I was positive about, it was that as much as I loved my father, I did not want to turn into him. I shouldn't have told Seth over the phone, either. I wasn't going to make the same mistake with Riley. Screw my fears - Jasmine Costello was going back to Hollyoaks.


	3. I Love You, Bart McQueen

**Jasmine P.O.V**

I sat nervously in the small cafe as I waited for Sinead and Tilly, who had texted me last night to check it was okay for her to come, to arrive. I wondered how Tilly and I's friendship would work now I was back as Jasmine - our whole relationship had been built on the mutual feeling of being different - she was a lesbian and I wanted to be a boy. George sometimes included himself in this group, too, but I was always closer to Tilly, she was far more sensitive.

But now, with me as a girl, would we still have anything in common? I hoped so, after Anita moved away I'd been left with only Seth and Bart - the Bart situation was a tricky one, Seth was my brother, and even then he thought I was a freak, posting about his freak sister who wanted to be a boy online for a while. Obviously he'd since apologised many times for his behaviour after my coming out, if you could call it that, but I'd still felt alone. Tilly was a breath of fresh air - no mixed feelings, love or relation - just friendship.

I'd made friends out here easily enough, after a day skating with a guy called Craig I met his sister Kayleigh, who became a close friend even if she would probably never understand how I could prefer sports to shopping. At school I hung around with her and her group of friends, which was how I met Mark. I could have a bit of fun with them, and I could properly trust a few of the girls, but I was constantly pretending around them. Sinead and Tilly knew all about me, and the thought of being exposed emotionally scared me. Ever since saying goodbye to Bart, Seth and Riley and leaving for America, I'd completly closed myself up. I'd only lived in Hollyoaks village for just over a year and had let myself get hurt so many times that I was now terrified of getting close to people. Getting close is when you get hurt.

"Daydreaming?" Tilly grinned as she sat down beside me. I returned the smile. Tilly's constantly sunny attitude was infectious.

"A smile? Is that all I get Jase-Jasmine? It's been a hell of a long time no see!"

We stood up and hugged, to my suprise Sinead hugged me too.

"I told you she was seriously pretty as a girl", Sinead told her. "I'm well jel".

Her cool attitude to the whole situation was continuing to suprise and impress me. She seemed to read my thoughts.

"Well I've had time for it to sink in now", she shrugged. "Trust me, I haven't been this calm about it all the time".

"She most definatly hasn't", Tilly agreed. "Now, what's everyone going to have to eat? Have you already ordered Jasmine?"

"I thought I'd wait for you". While waiting for them, ordering food hadn't actually crossed my mind once. I'd been too focused on Bart, Seth, Riley, Mitzee, the pub - my whole life back home, and the plane ticket to London Heathrow in my bedroom ready for use tomorrow.

"Okay, well lunch is on me".

"Tilly you can't pay for all of us. This is California - it's over priced as hell", I informed her.

"I'm not taking no for an answer", she replied, holding up the menu. "What the hell's a PBJ sandwich?"

"Peanut butter jelly sandwich", Sinead laughed. "Jelly as in jam. Have you never watched family guy?"

"Isn't that more of a guy's show?" Tilly asked.

"Bart likes it", Sinead shrugged.

He certainly did. I knew exactly what episode Sinead was referring to with the peanut butter jelly remark, he must have made me watch it at least a hundred times, but it didn't matter because I found it just as hillarious as he did. I decided not to mention that.

The food didn't come until about twenty minutes after we'd ordered it, by which point Sinead had nearly gotten us kicked out three times with her impatience, Tilly had lectured her about niceness five times and I'd thought of Bart countless times.

"So", Tilly turned to me, "Your Jasmine for good now then?"

"Yeah, definatly".

"What made you change your mind?"

Sinead turned to me as Tilly spoke, clearly intregued to know the answer herself. I sighed.

"A combination of lots of things. But the main reason, I don't know for certain, I just know that, very gradually, I started to become more confident in the body I'm in". I didn't really want to talk about it, and the answer seemed to satisfy them so I tried to move on swiftly.

"How's Seth?"

"Don't you still speak to him?" Sinead look genuinly taken aback. "You're twins, I thought you two were so close".

"We were. We are. But it's difficult now. I'm in America with Dad, who he hates, as Jasmine, the sister he hasn't seen in two years, who he can't tell any-one about".

"Any-one?" That was Tilly.

"I haven't even told Riley yet".

"Shit. You need to tell him".

"I know Tills, but I want to do it face-to-face, you know? News this big hardly seems appropriate to share online or on the phone".

"What about skype?" Sinead asked.

"On video chat?" I laughed. "Well at least I wouldn't have to think of how to word it. He'd see straight away, if he didn't get a heart attack from the shock I guess it could work, but I'd rather do it in person".

"So is he coming out here?" Sinead was starting to sound concerned now, for herself as much as me.

"I'm going to see him. At home". I wasn't planning on telling them but thinking about it now, they deserved to know. Mainly Sinead. She took a moment before replying.

"Are you ... are you going to visit Bart too?"

This was the same question I'd be asking myself constantly since my decision to go back to Hollyoaks.

"I don't know", I told her honestly. She nodded slowly, looking down at her food, spinning her fork around her plate although she wasn't actually picking up any food with it.

"Are you coming back for good or just visiting?" Tilly asked.

"I don't know that either. Not for sure. I'm planning on coming back here afterwards, but I might change my mind once I'm there".

Tilly nodded and reached her hand out to Sinead.

"If Jasmine goes home, and stays home, she's going to run into him sooner or later, whether she visits him or not".

"I know", Sinead's voice was yet again almost a whisper. She turned away from her food to face me again. "Can you give me some time with him first? To prepare him, and to ... to enjoy what might be the last time we're a couple".

"Why are you being nice to me Sinead? You just said yourself I could cause the end of your relationship".

"Honestly?" She replied. "I have no idea. I love Bart. So, so much. You know what that's like". I nodded. "I just want him to be happy. More than anything, I want him to be happy with me. But if me and Bart have still got even the slightest chance of surviving this, he needs to know about you. The rest isn't your fault. It's up to him".

"You know no-one's even asked Jasmine if she wants to get back with Bart yet", Tilly reasoned.

"I don't know. I mean, so much has happened. I don't know if it could ever be the same. He's probably happier with you Sinead".

"Oh please. He's happier with me than he would be Jason or Maddie. But when it comes to Jasmine. He'd literally kill to have you back. He'd marry you tomorrow". She stabbed at her food angrily.

"When are you coming home?" Tilly made a desperate attempt to steer the conversation in a different, completly un-related to Bart, direction.

"Thursday".

"That soon?" Sinead looked pannicked. "Right. Well I guess I'll probably see you soon then. I've got to go and pack, our flight's tomorrow". She stood up. "Thanks for the meal Tilly, it was brill. I'll see you back at the hotel". She walked out.

"Well, under the circumstances, I actually think that went pretty well".

"I guess". Tilly was right. Considering everything, Sinead had reacted really well. I just hoped it wasn't only the calm before the storm.

I arrived home at around 10pm, after we finished our meal Tilly and I had headed down to the beach, then for a look around the shops, which I usually despised, however with Tilly it was actually fun, trying on the most hideous items for laughs and seeing how many shops we could get ourselves kicked out of, making sure to use a different technique each time.

I switched on the kitchen light as I slipped off my shoes to see Dad sitting at the table, a stern expression on his face.

"You've been sitting in the dark?"

"What time do you call this?"

"Dad, it's only ten - I'm seventeen".

"I didn't ask for your age, I asked why you seem to think it's acceptable to stay out this late".

"Would you give Seth this much hassle?"

"It's different for girls".

"Right so as soon as I go back to being Jasmine you go back to being completly over-protective?"

"You did say you wanted to go back to how it was before".

I rolled my eyes.

"I was fifteen then. Some things are going to be different".

"Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"

"Okay Dad your confusing me now. Either ground me for coming in late - which, by the way, would be completly unreasonable, or just let it go".

He shook his head.

"I was really hoping you'd be honest with me Jasmine".

"Dad, seriously, what are you on about?"

"Let's cut the crap, shall we? I found the plane ticket in your room. From here to London, booked for this Thursday".

Crap. I hadn't actually gotten around to telling him yet. What was happening to me? Not telling Riley about going back to Jasmine, not telling Dad about moving back to England? This year living with him, I'd almost turned into him, running away from everything.

"Yeah. I'm sorry Dad I should have told you".

"Damn right you should have told me. So come on, out with it, how long are you going for?"

"I don't know".

"You don't know? How can you not know? Did Seth put you up to this?"

"This has got nothing to do with Seth! He was right, you know, what he said to you before we left. You treat him like he's nothing, like he's the runt of the family. Is it so hard to believe that Seth didn't have to put me up to, I might just actually want to get away from you?" As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew the last bit was uncalled for. "I'm sorry Dad, I didn't mean that, I don't want to get away from you - I just want to see Seth and Riley. They haven't seen me as Jasmine again yet. Riley doesn't even _know_".

Dad didn't say anything, just got up slowly and walked out of the room. I sighed and followed him upstairs, neither of us saying a word. I entered my room closing the door behind me, flung myself onto my bed and looked at my phone. To my suprise it was ringing - I hadn't realized it had been on silent. Through the large crack in the screen I could make out that Seth was calling, I picked up.

"Hey loser", I greeted him. "How's it going? I heard you're in Greece".

"Oh my God it is a girl!" A voice I vaguely recognized but definatly wasn't Seth's exclaimed. Normally a random comment from some-one on my brother's phone wouldn't have annoyed me massivley but the particular girl statement was a worry. Was it some-one Seth had told, calling to see if the rumour about his freakish sister was true?

"Give it here". I froze. This new voice I most definatly recognized. Bart McQueen. _I'll never forget you, Bart McQueen. _Those had been my last words to him. It was certainly true. Just the idea of him being at the other end of the line was enough to make my heart perform somersaults.

"Right - so yeah, this is Seth's mate Jonno. Are you, like, dating him? Or is he just sending you an unhealthy ammount of texts and calls for no reason?"

"Jonno stop being a twat. Give me the phone". Bart again. I secretly willed Jonno to pass the phone to Bart, the reason for this phonecall confused me somewhat but hearing Bart's voice just one more time - I needed to hear it more than anything.

"She's not saying anything".

"Well no bloody wonder Jonno, give me the phone I'll get her talking".

"And how do you reckon you're going to do that eh?"

"Cause I've got the charm mate". He had charm alright. I heard some movement, the Bart's voice was amplified and coming right at me.

"Okay so are you dating Seth?" _Come on Bart, you can do better than that. You're sounding like a twat. _

"Em, no, definatly not". I couldn't exactly say _he's my brother you sicko _as he clearly didn't know who it was and I'd promised Sinead I wouldn't make contact with him until I was home. I owed her at least that much. "Why?"

"Well because he's been texting and calling this number non-stop, not getting with any of the girls here, but hasn't named you on his contacts. We're his mates and we want to know what the hell's going on, if he's finally got a girlfriend".

"I doubt that will ever happen", I replied. Bart laughed slightly. God. He didn't know it was me - things like that are alright for a twin sister to say, not any other girl. He must have thought I was such a bitch.

"Right". I was clinging onto his every word. "Well I'm going to go now. Sorry about this".

"It's fine mate", I replied, trying to regain some respect. _Mate_. Talking to Bart was so confusing. I was trying not to talk to him as Jasmine, but I'd just ended up talking to him like Jason.

"Jase?" There was a tone of desperation in hs voice. Damn it. The voice and way of speak had finally screwed it up.

"No sorry, who's Jase?" I wasn't fully lying. I wasn't Jason. Well. That was a lie too. Just because I was living as the girl I truly was again, it didn't mean I could pretend all the things that happened over the year I was Jason didn't happen to me. I had still been the same person.

"Oh. Okay. Never mind. Bye then". Bart sounded really dissapointed, I'd almost go as far as to say crushed. I knew how much he'd wanted to keep in contact when I moved, how much he'd tried to hide his upset when I told him this was the last time we'd ever see, or speak to, each other. It was evident in his tone now that those feelings hadn't changed. I desperatly wanted to tell him it was me - not just Jason - Jasmine. But I couldn't. I'd made a promise to Sinead and I wasn't going to break it. I ended the call and lay back, staring up at the celing.

"I love you, Bart McQueen", I said to my mobile once I was sure he couldn't hear. It had been a long time since I'd allowed myself to admit that, even to myself. But it was like I'd told him that time in the cellar, as Jason - trying to stop loving him was like trying to stop breathing. And in just another three days, I'd be back in Chester. And as much as I tried to kid myself that the trip was for Riley's sake, he would not be the first person I was going to visit.


	4. We Need To Go

**Bart's P.O.V**

"So what are we going to do today then?" My always-impatient girlfriend asked me, running her fingers down my chest.

"Well it's pretty hard to concentrate on ideas while your doing that", I smiled.

"Oh yeah? Why's that?" She teased, fishing for compliments as per usual.

"Because your nails are digging into me and it hurts like hell", I smiled, teasing her back.

"Oi!" She laughed, so I could tell she wasn't really annoyed. "I'm serious, Bart, I want to do something special today".

"Well we could always head upstairs". I looked at her suggestivly. She lightly thumped my arm in a jokey manner.

"Bart. I want to make the most of today". I didn't really get what her issue was but I'd learnt from past experiences that it's best to just go along with it.

"Okay, well how about we get something to eat?"

"Out of the village?"

"Okay, out of the village. And we can invite Jonno too, make it extra special".

She pulled away from me, removing my hands from her waist.

"Seriously?"

"I'm kidding", I grinned, laughing. She fell for stuff like that so easily.

"Idiot", she laughed. "Okay so how are we going into town?"

"Well we could have used my scooter but I had to leave it on the way to stop some-one leaving the country", I told her.

"Yeah alright, I'm sorry about your scooter. Let's look up the bus times then".

"You know it's almost two now, we could always just go in tomorrow".

"No. We need to do something today".

"Sinead is everything alright?" I moved closer to her, concerned. She'd been acting weirdly ever since she got back from her girls holiday in the states. Especially today.

"Everything's fine", she tried to reassure me but I wasn't convinced.

"Really?"

"Really. I promise". She paused as if she was going to say something else. "I love you", she told me, her expression sincere. "This year has been the best in my life".

"I love you too", I replied, wondering what was bringing all this on. She nodded.

"Yeah. Well. Let's just make the most of today".

I decided not to ask what the big deal about today was as I wouldn't get an honest answer, so instead just grabbed my coat and took her to some fancy resterant in Chester high street. At the end of the day, as we reached her flat, she looked at me in all seriousness again.

"I mean it you know, I love you".

"Yeah, I know".

She just nodded again and opened the door.

"Hey - don't I at least get a goodnight kiss?"

She reached up and gave me a quick peck on the cheek before dissapearing inside, shutting the door firmly behind her. What the hell was up with her? I tried to shrug it off as I walked back down the steps from the enterance to her home, but it kept nagging at my brain that something wasn't right.

"What's up with you?" Michaela asked as I walked through the door to my house.

"Nothing".

"As if, you've got a right face on you. Spill". She rushed towards me, looking far more excited for gossip than concerned for my feelings.

"Aw, is it Sinead?" Theresa, who had been laid across the sofa reading a magazine with some boyband on the front, came over and attempted to give me a hug. "You know", she continued before I'd even responded to the question, "When I was younger I had this boyfriend, Newt. We argued, but in the end-"

"You split up".

"Well yeah but not because of that. How did you know we split up?"

"Well unless your a serious bitch and two-timing Will with some guy you dated in school, it was just an assumption".

"Alright so that was a stupid question. But my point was that if you've had an argument with Sinead it might not be anything to worry about".

"Well you didn't make it very well", I responded. "I still don't really understand you now. And I haven't had an argument with Sinead so get your facts straight". I sighed. "Whatever, I'm going to bed".

I heard Michaela and Theresa giggling patheticly as I made my way up the stairs and into my room, where I turned my music up loudly so that I could no longer hear them. Michaela was being an obnoxious cow and Theresa thought she knew it all when in reality she was just a bumbling idiot. I knew I was being unreasonable but Sinead's attitude had thrown me, and today was always a hard one anyway - the date of my step-mum's death.

I knew it was stupid to get upset over a date but I couldn't help it. This day made me think about everything, why every-one left. Every-one really meaning Jason. When he'd said before he left that this really was goodbye, that he was never going to come back or speak to me again, I hadn't thought she'd actually keep it up. _He'd_. I punched the wall in aggritation at my mistake. Jason could actually be a lad by now, could've had the operation and everything. Any remaining trace of my Jasmine could be gone by a single operation and I wouldn't even know it.

I needed to stop thinking about her so much, I was constantly trying but it was impossible to erase her from my mind. The worst part was not even being able to talk to any-one else about it - I couldn't mention her to Sinead for obvious reasons, she seemed to think I brought her up too much as it was, when I wasn't even aware of consiously mentioning her, Jonno didn't really get it and Seth got defensive if I mentioned it. Her. Well, him to Seth. No-one seemed to get why, with Jason gone, it was Jasmine I was missing. Fucking idiots. Jason _was _Jasmine. _Is _Jasmine. It didn't matter how much fancy treatments or operations or name changes (I had to admit the last one was my own fault), she got, she would always be Jasmine Costello. My Jas.

Shit. The thought of that jolted me back to last night. I clasped my hand to my mouth as my memory reminded me why Sinead had been so off with me today. Neither of us had lessons on Wednesdays, so last night I'd suggested she stayed at mine for the night. In Greece, I'd spoken to some-one on Seth's phone. The contact name had been blank and when I'd sneakily looked at the contacts list later for Jason's number, I couldn't find it. The voice at the other end of the line had sounded just like Jasmine. She was talking in a higher pitch, not the lowered tone she put on in her deluded attempt to sound like a boy, which confused me into thinking it couldn't be her. However, the possiblity that I'd talked to her had caused my head to spin for days. In bed with Sinead, even in the middle of what we were doing, it was still on my mind. I remembered thinking about the time Jasmine and I almost slept together in the same bed, the way she didn't want me to say her name. "Jasmine", I'd said aloud. "Jasmine. Not Jason".

Yep. In bed with Sinead, I'd not only called her Jasmine, but also started comparing Jasmine and Jason. No wonder she'd been pissed today. I punched the wall again, even angrier this time. Angry with myself, for screwing it up with Sinead, I was going to have to do some serious apologising. Angry with Sinead for not being Jasmine. Angry with Jasmine herself, for thinking she wanted to be a boy. She didn't. She couldn't. Angry that she made me fall so deeply in love with her that nothing else in the world mattered to me more than being with her. Angry that she left me. _Why the hell did she leave me? _I punched the wall again with this thought. Angry at everyone else in the whole goddamned world who expected me to refer to her as Jasmine, my own thoughts were the only place in which I was free to think of her as who she really was. My Jas. My Jas. My Jas.

I must have fallen asleep thinking of her because the next thing I knew the room was drenched in daylight and Sinead was, for some reason, sitting at the end of my bed.

"Sinead?"

"Your aunt let me in".

"Right". I still didn't get why she was here. What had she been doing, watching me sleep? "I'm sorry about the other night".

"Follow me", was all she replied. "There's some-thing you need to see. Some-_one_".

"What? Sinead what's going on?"

"Just get dressed". A wave of sadness crossed her face. "And remember, I love you, Bart. I'm doing this because I love you".

"Sinead you're worrying me now".

"I know. Just come on".

I got dressed quickly while Sinead waited outside - God knows why, it wasn't as if it was anything she hadn't seen before - trying to stop myself from thinking about how Jasmine wouldn't have played any stupid mind games like this. _What, like saying she wanted to be a boy? _I shoved the voice of doubt for Jasmine sharply out of my mind. I wouldn't have anyone saying anything bad about Jasmine. Especially not me. As I glanced breifly in the mirror, I caught sight of a framed photograph of Jasmine and I by the village fountain. I kept it turned around when any-one came into my room, but whenever I was alone, I liked to keep it faced towards me, sometimes when I was upset I'd even talk to her in the picture. Ask her what to do. How fucking pathetic was that.

I opened my bedroom door and walked towards Sinead, wrapping my arms around her and leaning in for a snog. I didn't like to think of it as a kiss, not when I was only doing it to distract myself from Jas. It was meaningless. Suprisingly, Sinead pushed me away.

"No", she said. "We need to go".

I followed her down the stairs and towards the front door, still confused as hell.

"Where you going?" Mercy asked.

"Ask her", I shrugged, gesturing towards Sinead. Over in the kitchen, Michaela smirked, looking up from her coffee. I stuck my middle finger up at her, closing the door behind me.

**Jasmine's P.O.V:**

"Do you want anything?" A grumpy looking air hostess with a trolley snapped. I was tempted to ask for a smile to see her reaction but resisted.

"I'm alright thanks", I replied.

"Suit yourself".

As she wheeled the trolley away I leant back and looked out of the window at the clouds. I must have been subconsiously thinking about Bart again because every cloud I saw looked heart-shaped to me. I got my phone out, I'd had to set it to flight mode but I could still look at photos. I scrolled through them until I found the one I'd been looking for and looked at it for a good ten minutes. It was me and Bart, by the fountain in Hollyoaks village, taken by Mitzee, the only member of my family who didn't seem to despise him at the time. Bart had gotten the photo printed out. I hated thinking of it lying in some dump somewhere after he'd presumably thrown it out.

I put my phone away, trying to distract myself with the selection of movies on-board, until everyone else on the flight was asleep and the clouds were replaced with stars twinking in the night sky. I slumped into the seat, trying desperatly to sleep, but the anticipation of seeing Bart again tomorrow was far too consuming to have any energy spare to think about sleep. However, as tiredness started to finally get the better of me, I felt my vision of the stars blur as I fell asleep smiling, the photo still clearly visible in my mind even with my eyes shut.

England was a lot cooler than I'd remembered. My sister Jem had to turn the heating on in her car for me, even though on the way to picking me up she'd had the air conditioning on full blast, according to her and the car radio it was boiling hot today. A year in California would sure change their minds about that.

"So, your going to try and give it another go with Bart then?"

"Maybe. If he'll have me".

"Well for what it's worth I thought you were a great couple, and this time you won't have Dad interfering".

"True. Thanks Jem".

I hadn't spoken to Dad since our argument almost a week ago, I'd attempted to start conversations but he refused to give me any response, although he did give me a hug before I left for the airport after driving me there in a frosty silence.

Driving back through Chester was almost scary, with every building we passed, I was one step closer to my old life, to everything I'd tried so hard to forget. When we finally pulled up in the pub carpark, I felt a strange mix of relief and aprehension. Part of me wanted to run out of the car and straight round to the McQueens, and also to Riley and my twin brother, but another side of me just wanted to lock the doors and stay in the car forever. There was no way Jem was having that though, as she leant over and opened the door for me, seeing I was clearly not planning on opening it myself any time soon.

"Go", she instructed.

"Aren't you coming?"

"I'm just dropping you off, Jas. I've got a work meeting I need to be at. But I'll come and visit soon I promise, I haven't seen the boys in a while either".

"Last time you dropped me off somewhere I didn't see you again for three years".

"Come on, that's not fair".

I sighed.

"I'm sorry", I relented. "I'm just nervous".

"Well don't be. Jason or Jasmine, we all love you".

"Mhmm".

"Bye Jas".

She smiled and waved as she started the engine and drove away. I waited until the car was out of sight before getting out my phone and texting Sinead.

"I need to see him".

I resented having to arrange meeting Bart through Sinead, however I didn't want to interupt anything by going round - Bart and Sinead doing anything was a sight I never wanted to chance seeing, even the thought of it was enough to make my heart feel like it was being torn apart and forced through a shredder. A few minutes later I recieved a reply -

"Meet in the folley. 10 mins".

There were no kisses at the end, which was unusual for Sinead, so I could tell she was clearly upset. I could hardly blame her. It suddenly sunk who I was about to see, I'd imagined it for the past year and especially this last week since my decision to visit home, but the realisation that it was now more than just a daydream had only just hit me. Shaking slightly, I made my way to the folley.


	5. Treasure This Moment

**A/N Thanks for the kind reviews from FlyFirstThinkLater, GirlWednesday and Chloe_x. :) If there's any spelling mistakes or anything I'm sorry, I'm going to check it over later. xx**

**Sinead's P.O.V**

The last time we'd all been at the folley, Jasmine had told us, as Jason, that we were never going to see him again. I never thought it would mean we'd never see him as _Jason _again.

"Fucking hell", Bart cursed loudly behind me as he tripped and landed in a bundle of nettles. I couldn't resist laughing slightly.

"You alright babe?" I asked, trying to keep a straight face.

"Fan-fucking-tastic", he replied sarcasticly. I helped him up, both of us laughing, and I almost forgot we were probably about to be over as we both leaned in for a kiss and he placed his hands around my waist. I looked up, confused, as I heard him gasp.

"What's up?"

He didn't say anything, just stood, transfixed where he was. I followed his gaze to where Jasmine was sitting on a bench, looking straight back at him. I hadn't expected her to get here so quickly. I looked back and forth from her to Bart a few times, seeing the looks they were giving each other - Bart's expression far more caring than any of the looks he'd ever given me. In that moment, I knew it. I'd lost him. I'd thought I'd prepared myself for this but nothing could have helped me be ready for this level of hurt. I'd started to loose any shred of hope I may have had when he'd called me Jasmine in bed on Tuesday night, while he slept soundly next to me later I'd cried myself to sleep. But now, seeing how he was looking at her, how she was looking back at him, I couldn't bare it. All three of us just stood there for a good twenty seconds, digesting what was happening, me feeling more like an outsider than I ever had in my life, I was completly isolated from this huge moment they were sharing without even haven spoken a word. I turned on my heels and ran as fast as I could until I was far out of sight and earshot from either of them or any-one else, not that I thought they'd be thinking about me in the slightest right now, and finally let the tears fall.

**Bart's P.O.V**

Sinead was being a pain in the ass. A pretty adorable pain in the ass admittedly, but a pain all the same. However, I'd just about managed to shift Jasmine from my mind for a few seconds, and took the oppertunity to give Sinead my full attention. As we leaned in, I cursed myself for still thinking of Jasmine. I could actually picture her, sitting on the bench at the end of the folley. She looked completly real and three dimensional, unlike my usual visions of her, and although I knew there was no way it could be her, I found myself stuck to the spot, unable to do anything except look at my hallucination.

Sinead followed my gaze then looked back at me, looking almost as taken aback as I was. There was no way she could see her aswell unless ... unless ... Jas looked up at me and smiled the same old smile, looking at me in the same way I was certain I was looking at her.

The same light blonde hair, tucked behind at the front, loose fitting faded demin jeans, a checked shirt with an unzipped hoodie. Those gorgeous brown eyes. I felt like I was seeing a ghost, but at the same time, an angel. My thoughts were so clouded with the image of pure beauty in front of me that it took a while to fully register the situation. Jasmine Costello was right here, in front of me, almost close enough to touch.

I moved closer to her, slowly, still slightly cynical of her existance, even though it was plain for me to see that it really was her. But there had been so many times, mostly just before drifting to sleep or shortly after waking up, when I'd swear I could see her in the corner of my room, only to discover it was my imagination. Now, however, she was really here. I must have repeated that sentance so many times in my head but I needed to, I needed to convince myself that this was reality.

"Jas?"

She nodded.

"Jasmine". I repeated her name, but in full this time, to reassure myself more than anything else.

"Can I..?" I guestured to the empty bench space beside her.

"Sure".

She looked and sounded just as nervous as I felt as I sat next to her. The bench wasn't minute but also wasn't exactly spacious, and our legs grazed against each other as I sat. The touch of her, no matter how small, made it feel like darts of electricity were pumping through my body. I reached out my hand to her's, taking it fondly. She pulled her hand away.

"What are you doing?"

"Just ... touching you. Sorry, I just ..."

"Need to know your not seeing things?"

"Yeah", I admitted sheepishly. "I can't quite get my head around the fact that your here. I mean ... wow".

"Is that good or bad?" She laughed nervously.

"Good. Definatly good. Way more than good. Un-describable".

Neither of us seemed to really know what to say, so we sat in silence for a minute - not awkward so much as tense. It could never be awkward between us, not really, I still got the intense feeling of love radiating from her, something so much stronger than anything I'd ever felt for Sinead or Maddie or any-one else for that matter. However, this was difficult. There were so many things we needed to discuss, so many things I needed answers to, so many things I needed to tell her. But I also wanted to treasure this moment, as strong as the urge was to kiss her I also wanted to just look at her. The idea of her ever leaving my side again was enough to drive me insane. Whatever she was back for, she had to stay. There was no question about it.

"I love you", I told her. There was so much I needed to say, but that seemed to sum it up, for now at least. I anxiously awaited her response.

"Where have we heard that one before?"

I was slightly taken aback by this. All I'd wanted was for her to say three simple words. That was all I'd ever wanted, since the moment I'd first laid eyes on her that day in Evissa, my cousin Carmel's beauty salon.

"You've heard it before", I told her, "because it's true".

She didn't say anything for a few moments, as if trying to take everything in.

"Well anyway, I just thought you should know I was back". I noticed she was staring at the ground. "You should go and check on Sinead".

What? Sinead had completly left my mind for the past few minutes, I'd actually forgotten all about her. Looking around now though, she was nowhere in sight. I figured she must have ran off when she saw Jasmine. It made sense.

"I don't want to go and see Sinead".

"She'll be upset Bart".

I slammed my fist down angrily, causing the end of one of the strips of wood that formed the bench's seat to snap off.

"For Christ's sake Jasmine!"

I hadn't even known my voice could reach such a volume. But all the emotions inside me over the past two years had finally gotten to boiling point. I felt like I was about to explode, as every single memory of anything remotly important from my life came flooding into my brain.

My Mum leaving me, Dad being angry at being lumbered with having to look after his son. Him marrying my step-mum and everything getting better. A hillarious kick-about in the park with Jonno and Neil. My first date with Maddie, where she'd complained about literally everything. Walking back from school with Jonno one day, talking about which last meal we'd request if we were on death row, when I saw my Dad standing at the end of the street, a solem expression on his face. Him telling me my step-mum had died. The funeral. Dad palming me off with Aunt Myra, who I hadn't seen since my third birthday, and cousins Theresa and Michaela, who I'd seen so little times that neither of them initially realized the relation and tried to chat me up.

Moving into the McQueen's, meeting all of my extended family - Theresa and Michaela had been enough of a nightmare so when I discovered I had even more cousins in the form of Jacqui, Mercedes and Carmel, I'd been less than estatic. Feeling so alone, in a family I barely knew, abandoned by anybody that mattered, in some crappy little village that didn't even make the map. Then, helping Carmel out one day, bored as hell, I'd spotted this girl at the other side of the salon. I'd put down the box I'd been carrying and sat beside her. She was beautiful, with a personality to match, and since that day, somehow, she'd made everything alright.

Lying in a hospital bed after being stabbed by some mysterious Jason kid, Jasmine running in through the doors giving me a huge hug had given me the boost I needed, I instantly felt the pain subside - even though the power of her hug had almost crushed my incredibly fragile ribs, her being that close to me, caring for me, was all I'd needed. Then I told her what Fern had told me - that it was Jason who had stabbed me. Jas got way too defensive, and after a while I began to catch on just how simular they looked, sounded, and put two and two together. Jasmine didn't even bother to deny it, came clean about everything, although she was adamant it had been Fern who'd stabbed me. Jasmine Costello, my girlfriend, the person who meant the world to me, made my life worth living, wanted to be a lad.

Everything had changed from that moment onwards. There'd been so many tears, so much heartbreak. There had been times when, in my desperation for her, I'd promised her everything - that I'd be with her even as a boy, as Jason. But I wasn't gay. She seemed hurt by the fact it was Jasmine I wanted, but she didn't seem to get that by that, I meant her. She wasn't two people. She most certainly wasn't Jason, even if she did have an annoying tendancy to refer to herself in third person whenever she spoke about herself as Jasmine. There'd been times where my inner turmoil had gotten the better of me and I'd taken it out on her, threatening her. Times when I was forced to pretend I'd accepted our mates-only status, that she was Jason for good. Jasmine had told me she felt trapped in the wrong body, but with her as Jason all I could think about was the role reversal - how Jasmine was now trapped inside a boy, how I needed to do everything I could to snap her out of it, to release her.

And then she told me she was moving to America. The year she'd been gone had been the most horrific in my life, even worse than getting abandonded twice over, because Jasmine was no longer in my life. With her as Jason, but living here, I'd at least been near to her, no matter how much it killed me every time we hung out as Bart and Jason. With her gone, no phone-calls, texts, emails, I was as empty as my inbox. I felt constantly hollowed out, like I wasn't the whole of a person anymore, and as much as others tried, no-one could ever fix that but Jasmine.

But now she was back. Sitting right beside me, a shocked expression on her face at my outburst. Not just Jason, who I hoped to God every night would one day return, but Jasmine. Who I'd actually by then lost hope of ever seeing again. The moment I saw her the whole in my heart felt as if it was being given a re-fill, I felt something I hadn't truthfully felt since she left. I felt alive. My heart literally melted at the sight of her. Jasmine was back. I had everything I could ever need, everything was uphill was from then on because no matter what hardships came my way, nothing could ever compare to the pain of loosing her.

And just as I got to talk to her, she was wanting me to go after Sinead. How could she say that? How could she even think of Sinead right now? How could she do this to me! Did she not have any idea how much she was killing me by telling me to check on Sinead?

I quickly wiped away a tear from my cheek, hoping Jasmine hadn't seen it. I hadn't even been aweare of crying, but I wasn't too suprised due to the sheer emotion shooting through me.

"Jas", my voice was shaky. "Jas, just promise me you won't leave me again".

Suddenly we were kissing. All thoughts other than my love from her dissolved in my mind. Who cared why she was suddenly back without a warning, how she knew exactly where I'd be, why she'd changed her mind about being Jason. That could be sorted out later. Right now my sole focus was on letting her know just exactly how I felt. As I kissed her softly and slowly, I felt her hands wrap gently around my neck, sensed her smiling into the kiss as I placed my hands on her waist. After what felt like eternity but nowhere near long enough, she slowly pulled away from me.

"We need to talk first".

"About what?" I honestly didn't understand what we so urgently needed to discuss. Obviously I gathered that a few things needed explaining on her part, but wasn't this what really mattered? Us being together?

"I need to find Riley", she replied, ignoring the question. She looked nervous. "He still doesn't know I'm Jasmine again".

I eased my urge to kiss her again to the side for a moment as I thought about what she'd just said, and put my arm around her in an attempt to comfort her. I couldn't quite comprehend why she hadn't thought to tell her own brother of her change back to her origional gender, but it wasn't my place to judge - just to be there for her, no matter what. I was aweare I sounded like I was making marrige vows in my mind, but Jasmine had that kind of effect on me. I placed a kiss on her cheek, which she seemed slightly uncomfortable with.

"It'll be fine", I told her. "He'll be happy to see you. Especially as _you_. Jasmine".

She nodded, then got up without a word.

"I'll see you around Bart", she told me as she started to walk off.

_I'll see you around_? What the fuck? Was that seriously all I got? What the hell happened to _I still love you, I always will_? Every inch of my body wanted to follow her, but deep in my heart I got the feeling that I needed to give her some time.

**Jasmine's P.O.V**

It had been a long time since I'd set foot inside The Dog In The Pond. The first time I'd come here had been as Jasmine, every-one in my family had managed to forget about my return from American Summer Camp that day and got a hell of a shock when the daughter and sister they were positive was in America walked through the enterance. If that had been a shock, nothing could compare Riley for this time - simular circumstances, only this time not only did he think I was in America, but thought I was living as a boy.

I must have been just standing outside, looking at the outside of the pub, building up the courage to go in, for a good half an hour. Luckily the village was quiet and no-one I knew had recognised me. Dodger Savage had walked past, giving me the eye as he did so, but as far as he knew I was just so random girl. I laughed a little at the thought of what he'd think when he found out the girl he'd been checking out was the same person that used to be Jason Costello.

"You can do it Jas", I instantly recognised the voice beside me.

"I know I can. When I choose to do it, however, is entirely up to me and nothing to do with you".

"Jasmine your not being fair".

I'd been determined not to look at him but this comment had angered me so I turned to face him. His eyes were full of concern. I forbid myself to think about that. All I'd wanted for the past year had been to see Bart again, our encounter just now had matched up to all of my dreams and beaten any expectations. However, the shock of how intense it had felt to finally see each other again reminded me that we still had plenty to talk about.

"Fair? I'll tell you what's not bloody fair! What's not fair is how you can tell me you love me, promise me everything, only to pretend it never happened ten minutes later, keep stringing me along, because your too frightened of what being with a transgender guy might to do your image!"

He looked taken aback for a moment, then angry himself.

"Well I'll tell _you _what's not fair. Making me fall in love with you before thinking to maybe, I don't know, mention the tiny little detail that you actually want to be a boy! Oh! And I'll tell you what's also not fair! Leaving for no apparant reason, not keeping in contact, so that I have no idea whether or not the girl I'm in love with has had a permenant sex change!"

"I think it's pretty obvious that I haven't".

"I know that now! I didn't know it for a whole fucking year though, did I?"

Neither of us said anything for a while after that, just stood looking at each other - not wanting to speak to each other anymore, but not wanting to look away either, after so long apart.

"Jasmine!"

I forced myself to turn away from Bart at the sound of my twin brother's excited exclamation. As strong as my love for Bart was, I hadn't seen Seth in nearly a year either, and he was an important guy in my life too. As much as we fought, our bond as twins could never really be broken.

I flung my arms around him as he hugged me, both of us holding on tightly. Finally we let go, Seth looking down at me estaticly, but also like he was struggling to take it in.

"I can't believe your here. That Jasmine's here. That _you're _Jasmine again".

Seth had a habbit of thinking aloud, which often meant he didn't have as much of a way with words as most others.

"I've missed you too", I replied, knowing that was what he'd meant. "It's been boring as hell this last year, without the constant calamity of your love life for entertainment".

"Oh ha-ha", he replied sarcasticly. "Hillarious. You just had to go and spoil our little moment there, didn't you?"

"Yep", I smiled, laughing. We'd had our hug, said our _I miss you_'s, now it was time to get back to normality. I'd been looking forward to it.

"Not the first time she's done that today, is it Jas?" I'd almost forgotten Bart was still here until his comment.

"Bart..."

It was too late, he was already walking away. Seth saw me watching him leave.

"Don't even think about it. You can chase after Bart McQueen later, right now I want to spend some time with my twin sister. It's been a while".

"Yeah", I agreed. He was right, I could find Bart later - I was looking forward to some way-overdue quality time with Seth. "But I need to find Riley, too".

"He's upstairs", Seth told me.

I followed him into the pub. It was a magior deja-vu walking in, looking around.

"Oh my God!" I heard the shrill squeal of Theresa McQueen as she trotted her six-inch heels in my direction. Great. Bart's cousin and one of the many village gossips. Exactly what I needed.

"What is it Theresa?" Anita Roy sounded vaguely amused by her friend's enthusiasm as she watched the squeal from the comfort of the table Theresa had previously been sitting at. Thank God Anita was here. I didn't know if she was visiting or had moved back - as far as our friendship went I was hoping for the second - but it was a relief to have some-one to calm Theresa down, the last thing I wanted right now was the McQueen version of the Spanish Inquesition. "Oh my God", Anita repeated, in a much calmed tone, as she saw me. Getting up, she walked over and gave me a hug.

"Jasmine", she exclaimed, smiling. "I thought you were living as Jason full time now?"

"Change of mind", I told her. "Long story". I hadn't even explained to Bart or Seth yet, it seemed wrong to tell Anita all about my decision before either of them. Or Riley. Jesus Christ, soon half the village was going to know before him. "I'll talk to you about it later", I told Anita. "Right now I need to see Riley".

As I said his name, Riley himself appeared from behind the bar.

**Riley's P.O.V**

After finally finding a bar pump that worked, I made my way from the storage room back to behind the bar, where Jacqui McQueen was meant to be working but was nowhere in sight. Bloody typical. I rolled my eyes. I'd have a good mind to sack Jacqui if she wasn't the sister of the mother of my child. If you got on the wrong side of Mercedes' family, you instantly put yourself in a war with Mercy aswell. We were on thin enough ice as it was, I didn't want to cause her to cut back the time I was allowed with my son.

While scanning the pub for Jacqui I noticed Seth was back from wherever it was he had been, I hadn't really been listening when he'd told me, and was now surrounded by girls. Well, there were only three of them but it was still surrounded by Seth's standard. One I recognised as Theresa, another McQueen - the village was filled with them - another I vaguely remembered once being friends with Jason, and the other I assumed must be their friend. I could only see her side-on but she looked a hell of a lot like - she interrupted my thoughts by turning around. In front of me was some-one I'd thought I'd never see again. A wave of love rushed over me as I came face-to-face with my little sister once more. I was confused as hell but that could be pushed to the side for a moment as I came out from behind the bar and hugged her.

"Jasmine, what the-?" I asked after we ended our embrace, not wanting to let her see just how elated I was to see her once more.

"Nice to see you too Riley", she laughed.

"Come on", I said, struggling not to let my massive confusion show in front of everyone in the pub, "Let's get you both upstairs".

**Bart's P.O.V**

I kicked off my trainers as I closed the front door behind me. I'd have to chuck them in the bin. It was a shame, they were brand new and although they were admittedly knock-off, they were still a good brand. But I'd kicked the ground and everything on it so frequently on my way back from The Dog In The Pond that the front of both shoes had completly fallen through. I was still angry with the whole Jasmine situation, and it hadn't helped that on the way home I'd passed the Graffiti _Mitzee is fat _that Jas and I had sprayed the second time we'd hung out, the day of our first kiss. Well, the day I'd first kissed her. She'd pushed me away from her and ran off. I should have known something was wrong then, really. But I didn't. I ignored all my insitincs and fell for her anyway.

And what had it got me? Jasmine was never going to be simple. Today was the proof of that. I loved her, honest to God I did - I loved her more than life itself, I didn't care how soppy and shit it sounded, it was true. And I was fairly sure she loved me too. She had too. You couldn't love some-one that much just for them to not love you back. It wasn't fair.

That last thought brought my memory back to the argument Jasmine and I had just had. I hadn't even thought to ask her how long she was going to be around for. Whether she'd be at college tomorrow. Shit. College. I'd only just realised how I'd skived off today. I made my way to the answer machine quickly, checking for any messages from the college. Luckily there were none.

"Don't worry", my cousin Mercedes, who I hadn't even realised was in the room, told me. "I deleted the college's messages for you. I'm not going to tell Mum". Thank Christ. The last thing I needed after the head-fuck of a day I'd had was Aunt Myra in a pissy with me. "As long", she continued, "as you look after the baby tonight. I was planning on going to the pub".

I rolled my eyes.

"Is that really the best idea?" No-one really ever knew what the situation was between Mercedes and her ex-fiancee and father of her child, Riley, but whatever chance they had of a potential relationship they had Mercedes always ruined by pushing him too fast, spending most of her time at the pub so he had to speak to her.

"Do you want to get in shit about college or not?"

"You realize blackmail is illegal?"

"You realize my last name is McQueen?" She had a point.

"Fine", I sighed. "I'll look after the baby".

It wasn't that I minded looking after him, I loved my little nephew. Okay so he was technically my second cousin, but I referred to him as my nephew in the same way that I called Kathleen Angel, Theresa's daughter, my neice. It was just that I could really do with some peace and quiet to try and figure things out. There was no chance of that with a screaming one-year-old to care for.

"Oh my God, Bart", Theresa gushed as she burst through the door with her friend Anita, who was staying with us for a few days. I tried my best to ignore her, it was awkward - she'd been Jasmine's friend which instantly made me dislike her as she brought back memories I'd been trying to forget. Also, recently after Jas had told me about her want to be a boy, desperate to get her out of my mind I'd had sex with Anita in the school janitor's closet. Especially after today, seeing Jasmine again, I was not in the mood to see Anita Roy.

"You'll never guess who I just saw!" Theresa continued.

"Keep it down Theresa, I've only just got him to sleep", Mercedes ordered, gesturing towards her sleeping baby.

"Jasmine Costello!" Theresa lowered her voice slightly, looking at me eagerly.

"You what?" Mercedes seemed to forget all about keeping quiet in her shock.

"It was definatly her", Anita added, not that any-one had asked for her input. "Jasmine's back Bart".

"Yeah, Theresa already said", I snapped at her. "And anyway, I know - I've seen her".

"You have?" Theresa looked like she was about to burst with excitment.

"Yes", I replied, not wanting to go into it too much, mostly because I didn't want to talk about it but also partly to annoy her. All three of them had their eyes on me, hesitantly awaiting an answer. I headed upstairs and slammed the door to my room shut. I could imagine them downstairs talking about me, deciding whether or not one of them should try and talk to me. They'd better not. I was not in the mood for talking.

Once I'd waited a few minutes and was pretty sure they wouldn't be coming in, I finally let my guard down and allowed myself to cry.


	6. Why Things Changed

**Jasmine's P.O.V**

Riley had taken the news really well - after we'd sat down on the sofa and Riley had gotten us some drinks, refusing to give either Seth or I anything alcoholic as we were still technically underage just to be annoying, we'd all talked. Talked a lot. Although for obvious reasons he'd been confused at first, as he understood more, I learnt that although he and Seth had accepted me as Jason and loved me either way, they'd spent over fifteen years of their lives with Jasmine as supposed to a year living with Jason and couldn't help missing her and a part of them hoping she'd one day return.

We didn't just talk about me, we also discussed how living with Dad had been - the lifestyle, amazing, the home life not so great, how things had worked out for Riley - he was loving being a Dad to Bobby, although he and Mercedes weren't on good terms which worried him on Bobby's behalf, and teased Seth a lot about his lack of a life. I did discover later, however, when it was just he and I in my room, that he had been seeing Ruby for a few weeks, but broke it off when she refused to go public about it. Although I knew the only reason Ruby didn't want to make it official was because she was ashamed of Seth, which really made me want to slap the bitch, I was secretly quite pleased that to make a change it had been my brother that had done the ditching, espeicially when it was a girl like Ruby.

Seth was back in his room now, after our little heart-to-heart where we'd also talked about my love life, discussing the current situation with Bart aswell as talking properly about life in California and how much we both missed Mum, which had brought us both to tears at points, and how much we had actually missed each other. Riley was downstairs talking to Mitzee who I'd heard come in a few minutes ago, I assumed he was explaining to her about me, so I didn't want to go downstairs and see her until she'd been properly filled in.

It was only early evening, about six o'clock, so it was definatly too early to go to bed, and besides, I wasn't tired. I didn't feel like going out either, though, I knew people would be talking about me all across the village by now and just because I was aweare it was happening, it didn't mean I wanted to go outside and risk hearing it for myself. So in the spare time I had to myself in my room, I'd found myself lying back on my bed with my earphones in, listening to the latest Kelly Clarkson album, every lyric of every song reminding me of Bart.

_I forgive you, _

_We were just a couple of kids,_

_Trying to figure out how to live,_

_No shame no blame, _

_Cause the damage is done and I forgive you._

_I forgive you, I forgive me,_

_If I hate you what does that do,_

_So I breathe in and count to 10._

The chorus of the song made me sit upright, pause the music and remove my earphones. As much as I doubted the song was written about a couple that had been through exactly what we had, I could completly relate to it. We'd been younger, we'd both screwed up. I'd been so focused on him having been the one causing the heartbreak and turmoil, but as he'd pointed out earlier, I'd done my fair share too. But the damage was done. How did hating him do anybody any good? We could stay stuck in the past, constantly hurting, or we attempt to make a go of it - the only thing that would make either of us truely happy.

Excited by my realization, I opened my wardrobe and took out a coat Mum had bought me the last time I'd been Jasmine. I put it on - it was cold outside, and glanced in the mirror. The last time I'd looked in this bedroom mirror as Jasmine, it had been to cut off all of my hair before shocking my family by coming out as Jason, on Christmas Eve of all times. Thinking back, I probably could have chosen a better day.

The longer I stared at my reflection, the more insecure I became. I was about to go round to Bart's and tell him I loved him. I wanted to look my best for him. I took my coat off again, flinging it on the bed, and opened my wardobe door once more. I thought about the last time I'd gotten dressed up for Bart - for our first date, I'd worn a pretty dress with a short demin jacket and a little bit of make-up thinking that dressing girly would give me the power into twisting Dad around my little finger and getting him to allow me to go on the date. However it hadn't worked, so Bart had never seen it. There wasn't much in my wardrobe, I'd taken most of it to America, and the few remaining items were boy's clothing anyway. The coat had only stayed as it worked for either gender. I unzipped my suitcase and rummaged around until I found my only dress. I still wasn't the dress type of girl, Dad had bought it for me and so far it remained unworn, but for Bart, just this one time, I was willing to make an exception. I was about to tell him I loved him too, talk everything through with him, hopefully get back together with him, if he'd still have me after earlier.

I slipped the dress on and sat down at my bedside table, where I quickly realized I didn't actually posess any makeup. I'd had a few items in California but the strict liquid allowence limit on the flight here had prevented me from bringing most of it with me, and as I hardly used my other beauty products I'd forgotten to pack them. Luckily for me, I was sure Mitzee probably owned more cosmetics than Boots Pharmacy. I made my way downstairs, where I was greated by a squeal, something that was just becoming the usual for today. Mitzee ran towards me, flinging her arms around me and squeezing tightly.

"Jas", she grinned. "Aw, it's really great to see you sweetheart".

"Hey Mitzee", I smiled. As irritating as the woman could be at times, she was family, she'd been our rock throughout everything with Mum and Grandad, and I really had missed her. She took a step back to look at me properly.

"Good God", she exclaimed. "You really have changed - a dress? It does look gorgeous though, you've always had a figure to die for". She paused, her eyes watering slightly. "You look beautiful, Jas".

Riley, who had been looking on from the sofa, letting Mitzee have her seeing-Jasmine-again moment free of interuptions, now walked over, nodding.

"You do look great Jas", he agreed.

"Thanks. That's what I wanted to ask, Mitz. I haven't changed that much by the way - the dress is for Bart and it's a one-off, but I was wondering if I could borrow some make-up?"

"Of course", she told me, taking my arm and leading me upstairs, in the direction of her bedroom. "And some shoes too, because if I know you, Jas, your entire collection consists of trainers only, and you do not mix converse with a dress like that". I smiled, she knew me too well. It was so great to once again be surrounded by people that knew exactly who I was, and immideatly accepted me.

Twenty minutes later I emerged from Mitzee's room, having had my make-up done and hair straightened, why Mitz had felt the need to straighten it I wasn't sure as it was fairly straight naturally anyway, although I had to admit it did look slightly more professional this way. I also had a sparkly silver necklace that she'd made me promise not to get a scratch on, and that I had to admit was gorgeous, and some mid-height black heels. Making my way to the stairs, I saw Seth coming from the bathroom. He opened his mouth slightly when he saw me.

"Wow. You look different", he told me.

"Well yeah, I wouldn't spend ages on my appearence just to look the same. It is okay though?"

"Let me guess, it's for Bart".

I sighed.

"Just answer the question Seth". I was starting to feel even more insecure dolled up that when I'd been in my casual clothes with no make-up. Maybe I should just wipe it off, get changed and turn up at Bart's the same as he'd always seen me.

"He's going to be one happy guy", Seth told me. "And that's the closest to a compliment your getting".

"Oh ignore him", Mitzee laughed. "You look amazing, you're going to knock him dead. Now go before you change your mind and wipe all my work off". She really did know me far too well.

Walking in heels was a nightmare. From just walking the distance from the pub to Drive'n'buy I was in enough pain to safely say that Bart was only ever going to see me in heels once. By the time I reached his house, I felt like I'd been walking on shards of glass for the past few minutes and I was wobbling like a drunk.

Jacqui's husband Rhys opened the door.

"Oh my God Jacq", he called through to his wife, who came to the door. "Theresa wasn't making it up". I couldn't be bothered with this right now, not until I'd spoken to Bart.

"Well let her in then", Jacqui scolded, whacking his arm. "Bart's upstairs", she told me. I was thankful for Jacqui's calm approach to the situation. Then again, the ammount of dramatics Jacqui had experienced in her thirty-three years as a McQueen probably meant that a girl wanting to be a boy then changing her mind wasn't that much of an occasion. I made my way up the stairs as Rhys and Jacqui started a domestic, scanning my brains for the right words to use to Bart. Screw it, I was just going to burst in there and come out with it.

"I love you!"

The words I'd made this visit to say were said aloud, and for a moment I wondered if I just hadn't realized the words had been leaving my mouth, I wouldn't have been too surpised by this as I was starting to become a nervous wreck. However I was certain it hadn't been my voice. The accent was Northern, and coming from the other side of the door to Bart's bedroom. Frozen to the spot, I stayed outside, listening.

"I know", Bart said quietly, using the same guilty tone as he had that time in the woods. "And I'm sorry Sinead. I am so, so sorry. But Jasmine..." His voice trailed off. As usual he was backing out of saying what he really meant, instead forcing her to fill in the blanks.

"You really love her?" I couldn't hear a response, so as Sinead answered him I assumed he must have nodded in replacement of words. "That's bullshit", she told him. "If you really loved her you would have stayed with her through anything, even as Jason, instead of sticking with me".

Although it wasn't me they were aimed at, her words stung, cutting at me like knives. Did she have a point? Did he even actually love me, or was it all just a part of the facade? I heard footsteps across the room, then Bart's voice.

"See this?" He asked her. "I can't throw it away. Two years after we broke up and I still can't get rid of it". More footsteps, the sound of a door opening. "She left this jacket here the last time she was here, as Jasmine. I couldn't bear to give it back to her, because it was the last thing I had left of her. There's traces of her all around this room. Mostly up here". I figured he was gesturing to his head. "In the memories, and in my imagination". He paused, not saying anything for so long that a small voice of doubt in my mind told me they could be not talking because they were too busy doing something. "So don't you dare tell me I don't love her, Sinead. Just - just don't.

All doubt dissapeared instantly. That was all I needed to hear. Slowly I opened the door, Sinead rolled her eyes and looked up to the celing at my arrival, blinking back tears.

"Jasmine", Bart whispered my name as he looked me up and down. "You look ... beautiful". I smiled.

"Can we talk?"

"Of course". He turned to Sinead. "Can you, like...?" He left out the main part of the sentance again. It slightly annoyed me, the way he was treating her. He'd told her he loved her only to discard her like trash as soon as the girl he loved returned. I knew all too well what that felt like and I didn't want it to happen to any-one else.

"I'm sorry Sinead". I really was. In all my dreams of getting back together with Bart over the past two years, feeling bad for Sinead had never been part of the equation. However now, seeing her expression, knowing exactly how she was feeling, I felt almost as if I was looking at my former self, at Jason, being played by Bart yet again.

Of course the Jason situation had been slightly different as Bart had actually been in love with me more than Sinead, but only as Jasmine, to be fair to him it was a pretty confusing, surreal situation for any-one to be in, but for Sinead the feelings would still be simular to what I'd gone through.

I desperatly wanted to comfort her but it hardly seemed appropriate, I looked after her as she slowly left the room, then ran down the stairs. I heard the front door open and close as she left, then Jacqui yelling at Rhys.

"Why didn't you think to mention Sinead was up there!"

"You never asked?"

"I told Jasmine to go on up. I would've thought it was pretty obvious that you should have pointed it out!"

"Well you've got to admit Jacq, it was entertaining".

"Well I'm glad you think so Rhys because it's the only entertainment of any kind you'll be getting tonight".

Bart groaned.

"Too much information", he told me, imitating shoving his fingers down his throat.

I laughed. Just being alone with Bart had instantly lifted my spirit, I hadn't even thought about the throbbing pain of my feet in these ridiculous shoes since hearing his voice. It would be so easy to just fall back onto the bed and have a laugh with him, perhaps watch a film, snuggle up to him, kiss, go back to being a couple. But I couldn't allow myself that luxury yet. We needed to talk. As painful as it was going to be, there were certain things that needed to be said.

**Bart's P.O.V**

Jasmine was looking gorgeous. As I'd told her, she looked beautiful. That had been an understatement, and she always looked beautiful anyway, but I wasn't ready to share that much emotionally with her yet. She'd been the only person I'd ever fully let my guard down to, told absolutly everything, the darkest, meanest, most caring, corniest thoughts I'd ever had, up until a year ago, she'd known them all. I gotten so close to her that I couldn't feel whole without her in my life and look what it had brought me. Two years of heartache and suffering in exchange for only a matter of months that we'd had as a couple. How was that fair? So I was being more cautious this time around. I hoped we'd get back to that level again, but it was going to take time. Or maybe even just talking. Which is what she'd come around to do.

She sat down on the edge of the bed, looking on edge. I desperatly wanted to put my arm around her, help her relax, but I understood perfectly well why she was so tense, and the feeling was mutual. Hopefully, though, tonight was going to change that.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier", she said.

"It was true", I admitted.

"Yeah", she agreed, not looking at me. "But the way I said it was uncalled for. You told me you loved me and I had a go at you".

"Wait". I was confused already. "Are we talking about in the folley or outside the pub?"

"I was thinking about the pub", she replied. "But that too".

"I'm sorry too", I told her truthfully. The things I'd said had also been true, but I never wanted to hurt her.

"I've been thinking about what you said".

"Yeah?" _And? Just telling me you've been thinking about it isn't helpful. After thinking about it have you decided to give us another chance or that I'm a total bastard who can't be trusted? _

"Yeah". She played with her hair nervously. "And I think we both screwed up. Pretty magiorly. I heard what you were saying to Sinead, before I came in. Is it true? That you kept my jumper?"

"And that", I said, gesturing towards the photograph. She smiled, getting her phone out of the small bag she'd been carrying. She pressed a few buttons then held it up for me to see, displaying the same picture I'd just pointed out to her.

"Snap".

"Do you remember it being taken?" I was about to go into a detailed reccolection of that day but she cut me short.

"Yeah", she replied briskly. "But we need to stop avoiding the main topic".

"Which is?"

"Everything that went wrong. And how we can make it right".

"Well you can start off by telling me how your suddenly back to being a girl. Not that I'm complaining at all".

"Can we just leave that for another day?"

"No". I felt myself getting angry again. "No, we can't".

"Fine", she sighed, looking towards the celing. She'd avoided looking at me since she'd got here. "As soon as we arrived in America, I made sure Dad was keeping to his promise about progressing my treatment. We increased the ammount of blockers I took, booked the operation, went to countless ammounts of therapy sessions to check I was really ready for it. I was already starting to have doubt by then but I'd assumed it was just nerves so I pretended I was still desperate to go ahead with the op. They believed it, even the top consultants. I've learnt I can be a very good actress when I want to be". We both smiled. Seeming embarassed at the moment we'd just shared, she looked straight back to the celing. What was so interesting about the bloody celing? "I don't really know for sure why I started having doubts. But as time went on, the thought of the operation scared the hell out of me. I pretended to be ill the first time I was due to have it done, so they postponed it. The second time, just as I was about to take the medicane to make me sleep through the operation, I backed out. Literally at the last minute. I passed the medicane back to them and ran out of the hospital. I spend the next few days locked in my room, refusing to come out. While nobody was around I could try out living without my bandages, seeing how comfortable I could be in my body. I realised I felt more free as a girl then I'd ever had by becoming a boy. I thought that was what I wanted - to be a boy. To be Jason".

She slammed her fist in the same place I had the previous night.

"I don't get why things changed", she continued, clearly annoyed. "How can some-one go from being trapped in a girls body to almost trapped in a boy's? How can that even work?" She calmed herself down slightly before continuing. "I had so many theraphy sessions to follow that. Eventually they said it was an incredibly rare phase. I still find that hard to believe. I'm certain now that I want my life as Jasmine back, for good, but being Jason - that didn't feel like a phase. It was who I was. Argh, it's so confusing".

I couldn't help it - I reached my arms out and held her, stroking her hair softly.

"It'll be okay", I reassured her. "I promise, everything will be okay".

She redirected her gaze to me and smiled, leaning in. Our lips were just about to touch when we hear the shrill scream coming from outside.


	7. It Comes With The Territory

**A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews and to my new readers gleekfinchelover1998 and oliviaemma , I'm glad your enjoying the story :)**

**Jasmine's P.O.V**

Sinead lay limp on the cold wet concreate of the road, her long silky, brunette hair covering her face, which under the circumstances was probably for the best. I didn't want to see the terrified expression that was bound to be on her face.

The man who'd been driving the car, who I didn't recognize, stood a few feet away from her, his feet fixed to the spot.

"I wasn't speeding", he told us for about the tenth time. "She just ran out. She just ran out". He was clearly in shock, his face full of despair at the damage his own veichle had done, and a part of me had empathy towards him - the state Sinead had been in, she probably had just ran out without looking. I doubted it was his fault. However, an urge to protect her had overwhelmed me, I didn't care for his excuses - Sinead was still lying almost lifeless in the road and his words couldn't change that.

As soon as I'd heard the scream from Bart's bedroom I'd rushed outside, Bart grabbing a coat and following me, not seeming to fully understand why I was so concerned. Sinead had left only minutes earlier, and in a village this small, a girl's shriek coming from the direction of her route home had seemed far too coincidental for my liking. As I'd opened the front door, my fears had been confirmed - further up the road, a pale-faced man with dismay all over his face was getting out of his car, not bothering to close the door behind him, his eyes not moving once from the girl spread out only a few inches from his car bonnet. I'd run to her side immideatly, crouching down beside her. I hadn't moved since.

I knew from being forced to watch an unhealthy ammount of Casualty when I was younger - Jem found one of the doctors incredibly attractive and therefore insisted on watching it every week without fail, even though her interest in the storylines was non-existant - that moving her could be fatal. However, hoping it wasn't harmful, I'd taken her hand. I'd checked for a pulse rate on her wrist, so I knew she was still alive and breathing, but that didn't help much. I peeled my eyes away from her for a moment to glance back at Bart, he was stood on the kurb of the pavement, not moving.

"Call the ambulence", I told him, my voice shaky. He nodded, removing his mobile from the pocket of his pale blue jeans. I returned my focus back to Sinead. My mind flashed back to January of 2011, when I'd almost died by being hit by a car myself. Although this brought back bad memories of being at the emotional state where I'd thought the only answer to my problems was suicide, it was also reassuring - I'd pulled through and survived it. There didn't seem to be any logical reason to me why Sinead couldn't do the same. She had a strong personality, she could get through this. _Such a strong personality that she was in a state earlier. That's why she got hit by the car, because she was upset and didn't look before crossing the road. Because of you. _As much as I tried to push these thoughts away, I knew there was truth in them.

"Are you family?" A paramedic asked me as she climbed out of the ambulence. I'd spent the last fifteen minutes waiting for them to arrive crying and blaming myself for the tragedy. Suddenly, at the question, I realized I should have instead spent the time informing her mother Diane and younger brother Finn of what had happened. They'd be sitting in the flat in ignorant bliss while Sinead was being put in a stretcher and wheeled into the back of an ambulence.

"No", I replied. "I'll go get them".

"We can't wait", I was told. "She's in a critical condition - she needs to be taken to the hospital as quick as possible. Her family will have to meet us there".

I nodded, tears streaming down my cheeks. The ambulence drove away into the night quickly, blue lights flashing and siren on full blast. I ran over to Bart and hugged him, holding on tight. I knew we hadn't finished talking yet, I knew we weren't officially together, but in a time like this I just needed him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. As if he could honestly promise me something like that.

"We need to tell Finn and Dianne".

"Yeah. Great - I'm hardly their favourite person at the moment". I found it hard to grasp how he could be concerned over her family's perception of him when his ex girlfriend was in, as the paramedic had said, critical condition.

"I don't think you'll exactly be their main priority", I told him snappily as we made our way towards her home. We weren't moving fast enough for my liking, I started to run, Bart doing the same.

It was ironic to think that earlier this evening, I'd thought it was going to be hard thinking of how to word things to Bart. That hardly compared to having to explain to some-one that their daughter was currently speeding down the motorway in an ambulence. Diane had given us a frosty look as soon as she'd opened the door, after looking puzzled at my bare feet. I'd kicked off my heels mid-run. My feet had been killing me. _Sinead's in hospital and your thinking about the pain in your feet. _

However, as we explained, I would have given anything to have Diane just giving us dirty looks again - the obvious distraught she was going through was heartbreaking to watch. Finn had been staying over at the Brady's place having a sleepover with Declan, Brendan's son who was staying with him for a few weeks, and had to be called home. He'd been furious when he first came through the door, yelling at his mother for cutting his fun short, but his expression changed dramaticly as he took a proper look at her, he could clearly see instantly that something was very wrong.

Two hours later, I was sat in the waiting room outside the room Sinead was in, Bart sitting beside me.

"You know, we can always come back in the morning", he told me, taking my hand.

"I'm not leaving until I know she's okay", I replied, taking my hand away from his. He looked confused by my actions. "I'm annoyed with you okay". There was no point beating around the bush, to use one of Dad's ridiculous expressions.

"Why?"

"Because of Sinead".

"Sinead?"

"Yes".

"Okay". His face was blank, he really didn't seem to have any idea. "Would you care to expand on that?"

"Well why aren't you more bothered about the fact that she's in hospital?"

"I am concerned. But like you said, she's in hospital. Which means she's getting treated".

"How can you say that so casually? Hospital isn't good! You two have history - a lot of it. Just because I'm back now you can't ignore that - stuff has happened with you the two of you, you used to be in love for Christ's sakes! And she's in there lying in a hospital bed, Bart, so why don't you care?"

He took a while to respond, his face first displaying a range of emotions.

"It just doesn't feel real", he replied finally. "None of today feels real, like it must be some kind of twisted dream that I'll wake up from to find her lying next to me any minute and you still in America, still Jason".

"Right". I paused, yet again tonight trying to conjure up the right words. "Well it is real. So you'd better start accepting that and show some concern".

Diane and Finn emerged from Sinead's room.

"You still here?" She was back to giving us daggers. "Well I guess you should know that she's woken up. The doctors say she's going to be fine".

I turned to Bart.

"Did you hear that?" He asked me, grinning.

"Yeah", I replied, only smiling a little. "She's still in hospital though".

"Not for long. They let you out pretty soon after deciding you'll survive. You and I both know that first hand. Give it a few days and she'll be back at home".

"Mm-hm". I sighed. "I'll probably see you around tomorrow, Bart", I told him, getting up.

"Are you going home?"

"Yeah. I know she's okay now, and I think this is mostly a time for her to be around family, not girls who just stole her boyfriend".

"Don't say that".

"Why not? It's true. We're the reason she's even here in the first place".

"I know", he replied, his voice quiet. "I know".

I didn't reply, just carried on walking down the corridor until I got to the lifts that would take me to the hospital exit. Part of me was desperate for Bart to follow me, however another part of me was dubious of how sustainable a relationship with him could be - I'd been back less than twenty-four hours and already our love for each other had once again caused pain to people that didn't deserve it.

"God", Mitzee laughed, a cheeky tone in her voice, as I came through the door. "You took your time - what were you doing? Wait, do I want to know?" She smiled and winked at me.

"We were at the hospital". That was definatly a reply they hadn't been expecting. Seth, Mitzee and Riley all stood up from the sofa they'd been sitting on and made their way over to me.

"Oh love, did something happen to Bart?" Mitzee hugged me as she spoke.

"No", I replied as I pulled away. "Sinead".

"Sinead?" Seth looked confused as hell. "You were and Bart were with Sinead? Jesus that must have been awkward".

"It was. So awkward that it ended in her being so upset that she ran out into the road and got hit by a car".

"Shit". Seth's previously amused expression turned serious. He and Sinead had always been distantly friends, and in the last year since I'd been gone they'd aparantly gotten quite close.

"Does Diane know?" That was Riley. Since becoming a parent himself he tended to look at things from more of a family perspecitve than the rest of us.

I nodded.

"I think I'm just going to go up to my room if that's okay", I told them. Mitzee and Riley nodded in response and I made my way up the stairs, the events of today replaying over and over in my mind.

I hadn't been in my room for long before there was a knock at the door.

"Can I come in?" Seth asked, as he came in the door.

"What was the point in even asking?"

He shrugged, sitting down next to me on the bed.

"Make yourself comfortable", I snapped sarcasticly.

"Thanks, I plan to", he replied, deliberatly ignoring the sarcasm. "Are you okay?"

"What do you think?" I instantly regretted being so bitchy towards him. "I'm sorry Seth".

"It's okay. You've had one hell of a day".

"I thought the biggest drama would be coming back as Jasmine." I agreed.

"Well at least the village won't just be talking about you".

I smiled weekly at his attempt to lighten the situation. It had been the completly wrong thing to say, but I appreciated the thought behind it. Reminding myself that words were not on the very short list of things my twin was good with, I instead just leaned my head against his sholder. One thing he was reasonably alright at was hugs. And I was in desperate need of one.

**Bart's P.O.V**

I loved American Dad. It was hillarious, but the thing that I secretly loved most about it was that no matter how huge a problem was, it never lasted longer than five minutes of an episode. Whether it was the world ending or the teenage daughter starting a relationship with an obnoxious Koala bear, there was nothing that couldn't be sorted out with ease. I'd give anything for real life to be like that. I watched it on repeat from when I got back from the hospital right through to sunrise.

**Seth's P.O.V**

Jasmine had been back for mere hours and already the whole family's minds were soley on her. I loved her, she was my twin sister and annoying as she could be nothing could change that, and I really did feel for her after the day she'd had. However, I had secretly, selfishly enjoyed the past year, actually getting a second of attention occasionally. It had made a change. It had always been Jasmine Mum Dad and Riley had worried about, splashed out on, congratulated at the slightest accomplishment. It had been the same as Jason, although Mum had started to treat us more equally. When Dad cheated on Mum with Riley's fiancee Mercedes, he'd made me keep quiet. There was no way he would have done that to Jas. When he made the decision to bugger off to America, Jason was the first he'd asked. He'd only really pretended to care when I'd refused to join them.

My mobile began to ring. I looked at it - it was Ruby. After deliberating for such a length of time I was suprised it was still ringing, I finally decided to answer.

"What do you want?"

"Is it true Jasmine's back? Like, as Jasmine? Frankie reckons she saw her outside Drive'n'buy and the whole village is talking about it".

"Yeah, she's back. What's it to you?"

"Oh my God! That's amazing!"

"Yeah", I smiled. "It is. I've missed her". Crap. Ten seconds into the call and I'd already let my guard down, something I'd sworn I'd never do again around Ruby Button.

"I can't believe I get to be the one to confirm it to everyone at school", she gushed excitedly. "They're all going to love me! So, like, it didn't have the sex change then?"

"No, _she _didn't. Bye Ruby". As hypocrital as it may sound, judging by my recent thoughts towards Jasmine, I didn't want anyone slating her. If Ruby had been a guy, and our conversation had been face-to-face, she would have a seriously sore jaw by now. How dare she talk about my sister like that?

"Seth wait-"

"What?"

"Do you want to maybe go out for lunch some time?"

For a moment I was flattered, until I realised what her angle was. There was always an angle with Ruby.

"I know you, Ruby", I told her. "I know what you're like. You think over lunch you can get me talking, to tell you all about Jas so you can twist it all into one of your pathetic lies and spread it around school". She made a noise of disgust and ended the phonecall. I was half tempted to throw my phone at the wall in anger after Ruby's comments, but decided that reminded me too much of something Bart would do. I'd seen him do it a lot over the past year. He'd seemed to be constantly angry over the past year. Whatever, so maybe he'd been hurting from Jason leaving along with any reminders of Jasmine, but that didn't excuse the way he'd treated her. Jasmine aside I got on fairly well with the guy, the week in Greece had been fun, but now Jasmine was back so was my role of being her brother. And I was planning on stepping into that role by keeping her away from anybody likely to hurt her. Namely Bart McQueen.

**Sinead's P.O.V**

The hospital bed was uncomfortable as hell. I almost wished I could be unconsious for a little longer just so I couldn't feel the springs jutting into my already tender back. Every touch felt amplified just now, my whole body was so fragile. I couldn't remember much about the actual accident, but I could remember the events running up to it clearly. All too clearly. I tried so hard to push them to the back of my mind but it the tast was impossible.

Every time I closed my eyes, even for a split second to blink, I saw her. Him. The way he was looking at her, in that caring way that made me want to lock myself in my room in utter darkness and never come out. That could actually be quite dramatic and artistic, like the old lady in some play or book or something by Shakesphere of Dickens or some-one. We'd learnt about it in English class in school, a girl who got stood up by her fiancee for somebody else at the alter and spent the rest of her life locked away in her room, never going out, still wearing her wedding dress forty years later. I'd only learnt the gist of it, I hadn't been listening for most of the lesson - I'd been too busy at the back of the class with Bart.

Bart. No matter what trivial things I tried to focus on to get him out of my brain, everything always eventually came back to him. Him and Jasmine. Jason. Jasmine.

The driver of the car that had hit me had turned up at the hospital with flowers. Mum had yelled at him and he'd left. It hadn't really been his fault. Not at all. After running out of the McQueen's, I'd leant up against their house for a few minutes in a failed attempt to compose myself before setting off to Maddie's house. I'd been in no mental state to return home.

Practicly running, desperate to get as far away from that house and whatever was happening between Bart and Jasmine inside it, I hadn't looked where I was going. I'd darted out into the road, seeing the headlights, hearing the screech of the breaks blurring with the sound of my scream, all too late. By the time all this information had properly sunk in, I'd been lying in the road. I'd tried to speak but my mouth didn't seem to form the words in my head. I'd felt the touch of some-one else's hand in mine, and although I knew it wouldn't be, I'd used up all my willpower hoping it was Bart. It wasn't.

Ever since I'd seen Jasmine clearing tables out in California, I'd known that I'd lost Bart. But last night, him showing me the reminders he'd kept of Jasmine - just how much he'd loved her the whole time he'd claimed I was The One - that was something I hadn't prepared myself for.

Typically Jasmine had to be really nice and sensitive to my feelings. As Jason he'd at least acted as unlikeable to me as I had to him. But being sympathetic towards me? Holding my hand as I lay near the gutter? Coming to the hospital? That was a real kick in the teeth. As much as I wanted to despise her, I couldn't. Though judging by what Maddie had said in her visit to the hospital earlier, I didn't have to worry about that - she was going to do more than the fair share of loathing and trouble-making on my behalf.

**Theresa's P.O.V**

Bart was still sat on the sofa when I came down to get some SMA milk for Kathleen Angel in the morning, watching that cartoon he enjoyed involving a talking fish, an acne-ridden adolesent, a pyschopathic alien and a man with an un-naturally large jaw. I was pretty sure he'd been watching it the whole night through. I was the only one in the family to notice that he only ever did that when he was upset.

"Jasmine?" I asked, sitting down next to him. Kathleen Angel's milk could wait. Or even better Michaela could get it. She hardly did anything to help any-one around the house.

"Huh?"

"Jasmine. Is she the one upsetting you?"

"Who says I'm upset? Theresa I'm trying to watch something here".

I sighed, knowing he wasn't planning on talking any time soon, and grabbed the remote control, turning the TV onto standby.

"What did you do that for?"

"To get you to talk. Spill".

Suprisingly he relented almost straight away.

"Fine", he sighed. "It is Jasmine. But it's also Sinead. She got hit by a car last night".

I had to admit, that was a twist I had most definatly not been expecting.

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah. The doctors said she'll be fine - Jas and I were at the hospital last night". He looked like he was about to cry, something he didn't tend to do whilst in company. "The last time she was in hospital, it was from drinking too much before going in the sea, when we went to Abersoch". I nodded, not entirely sure where he was going with this. "She only drank so much because she was jealous of the attention I was giving Maddie and not her". I still wasn't sure what his reasoning behind this story was, however judging my his unusually sincere expression I let him continue without interruption. "And this time it's because of the attention I'm giving Jasmine. Because I never stopped loving her, the whole time I was dating Sinead".

I was pretty shocked by this statement - not because of what he'd said so much as the fact he'd been so open with me, that he even had a deep side to him. All I'd seen before was him joking around, being a pain in the ass.

"But what about wretch 32?" I asked him.

"What?"

"When you crashed the gig, told her you loved her, sang Don't go to the whole crowd. You must have loved her to do that".

"I did. Just not as much as - not as much as Jas. The whole reason I was there in the first place was because Jasmine - Jason - forced me into it. Hours before telling the crowd I loved Sinead I was crying over missing Jasmine, deleting the texts to each other".

"Right". Although I wasn't quite sure what was meant by the deleting texts thing, everything was slowly starting to make more sense.

"I never treated Sinead right, not once", he revealed. "That girl loved me - I mean, really, _really _loved me - still does - and I threw it all in her face. On multiple occasions. She's in that hospital all because of me. Jasmine reckons it's because of us, but it's not - not really. She's only a small part of the equation. What really got her in that state was discovering just how in love I'd been with Jasmine the whole time. I was pretty harsh about it. Really harsh. And when I saw her in the road - I just - I don't know. Completly closed up, shut myself out of it, trying to pretend it wasn't real. I just couldn't - can't - face the fact that it's really happening, because then I have to accept that it's my fault. And I'm not ready for that".

Still shocked by how honest he was being, I hugged him, and weirdly for him he returned it.

"It'll all be okay", I promised him.

"How do you know that? Have you ever had some-one nearly die because of you?"

My mind shot back to May 2010 - Calvin's expression as the bullet I'd just fired hit him, causing him to stagger to the ground.

Back to real time, I hugged Bart harder.

"Jesus Christ", he laughed. "I mean, I like a girl on top as much as the next guy but legal or not, your my cousin and it's weird". He was back to his normal, jokey, sick-minded self, then.

"Your disgusting", I told him, laughing.

"Shit - today's another day I haven't been in college".

"I'm sure aunty Myra will understand".

"Do you think Jasmine will be back at college on Monday?"

"Well that depends - is she staying for good?"

"I hope so".

"You haven't even asked her yet?"

"There were bigger things to talk about?"

"Like what?"

"Well maybe why she was back to being a girl again?"

"Okay fair enough - stupid question".

"Yeah well you are full of them".

"Hey", I scolded. "Just because your angry with yourself doesn't mean you can take it out on me".

"Sorry", he apologized. He groaned. "Can I not have just a bit of time out from all the drama?"

"Sorry", I told him, "but you're a McQueen. It comes with the territory".

**Maddie's P.O.V**

According to Seth, who let things slip way too much when talking on MSN, Jasmine was going to be at college on Monday. Also according to him, he wasn't a fan of her and Bart together either. I smiled. I could easily manipulate Seth into helping me. _Watch out, Jasmine Costello, _I thought, _if you thought today was bad - just you wait until Monday_. No-one puts one of my best friends in hospital and gets away with it.


	8. Some Things Never Change

**A/N I know this chapter isn't as long as some of the others, but I thought they deserved a bit of happiness before any more drama :L**

**Jasmine's P.O.V**

"Come on Jas, get up!" I woke up with a jolt as Riley burst into my room, opening the curtains to let the harsh sunlight into my room. I shielded my eyes - it was far too bright, and it reminded me of the outside world - something I'd been planning on completly ignoring for the day.

"Get up!" He repeated, I sat up in bed slowly, rubbing my eyes.

"What time is it?"

"Eight thirty", he informed me. Eight thirty, seriously? On a Saturday morning? No chance. I snuggled back down in bed and closed my eyes.

"Don't even think about it", he laughed, peeling the covers away from me. I made a desperate grab for them but a sleepy teenage girl was no match for a young premiership league footballer who hated losing and whose specialities included being annoying as hell.

"Does Seth have to get up?"

"Yeah. He reacted pretty simularly to you".

"Well that's just proof of how unreasonable your being. I'm going back to sleep".

"The only place your going is downstairs for breakfast. Mitzeee's done a fry-up, and then we're going out".

I was suspicious of this. Saturday's usually meant Riley spending all day at training.

"Why? Don't you have football?"

"Yes. But I also have the first full day with my little sister in way too long. Practice can wait, we're having a family day".

"I'm sure the coach will be estatic".

"Screw him. Now get _up_!"

As much as my body was telling me to just defy him and return to my slumber, my head was telling me otherwise. Riley never passed up football. Never. The one positive I could say about my brother, and let's face it possibly the only one, was that he was no slacker. He gave absolutley everything his best shot. The fact that spending time as a family after my return meant more to him than getting a shouting at by the coach, who was practicly a God in Riley's eyes, meant a lot.

"I'll be down in a minute", I told him. "Now get out, I'm getting dressed".

He smiled and nodded as he left. I pulled on some clothes, not really bothered as to whether or not they matched, and ran down the stairs. Now I could smell the bacon cooking I was eager to get down and eat it as soon as possible. It was funny how you could be perfectly content, but as soon as you caught a whiff of delicious food-like scent, become instantly starving.

When I reached the dining room, Seth was already sat at the table, looking about as awake as I'd felt a few minutes ago. Mitzeee was serving up the food onto plates, already in heels and full make-up with hair done to perfection just to cook the breakfast, and Riley was sat reading a sports magazine. I smiled. It was such a breath of fresh air to wake up to find that no matter what, some things would never change.

"You got kicked out of bed too then?" Seth asked me, his words only just understandable through his yawning, as I sat down at the table.

"Quit moaning you two", Riley laughed. "Eat up".

Mitzeee handed us all plates and sat down with us. To an outsider, Mitz, or Anne as we'd all originally known our cousin as, probably looked incredibly high maintinence. However, unknown to most, she was great around the house. She happily did most of the housework and was an excellent cook who could probably put Tony Hutchinson, the village chef who liked every-one to know it, to shame if she wanted to.

"So where are we actually going today then?" I was curious where Riley thought we'd actually all enjoy. The four of us had quite a wide range of personalities.

"I thought we could go to Chester Zoo", he replied. Seth, Mitzeee and I all laughed.

"You do realize we're not five anymore?" I asked through my laughter.

"Well where do you suggest Jas? I know it's not ideal but Mitz likes the cute fluffy things, you like the boat cruises and stuff you get a zoo's and there's a resteraunt, so that's me and Seth sorted".

I shrugged. As crappy as the day ahead sounded, I supposed I couldn't think of anything better myself.

"You can take a friend each if you want", Mitzeee added. "Make it more enjoyable".

"Seth would have to find one first", I teased.

"Oh yeah? And how many friends do you have here again?" Annoyingly I had to admit he had a point. I got on well with Tilly, but I'd only seen her once in the past year and I could hardly count Sinead after the events of Friday night.

Besides, I was secretly looking forward to a day out with just Seth, Riley and Mitzeee. As dysfunctional as my family was, I wouldn't swap them for the world.

"Okay, well how about we just go as a family then? Save any arguments starting". Good old Mitzeee. She was constantly having to be the voice of reason. _Wait_. An idea struck me.

"Seth you can invite a friend, I don't mind".

"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel left out".

I smiled. We'd only just stopped fighting seconds ago but when it came to it he was still concerned for my feelings.

"I'll be fine", I re-assured him. "But could you not invite Jonno or Neil? They were my mates as Jason, and they're not the most sensitive - it would be weird".

Seth nodded.

"I'll ask Tilly".

"Please don't - she'll have heard about Sinead by now. She'll hate me".

"She won't hate you".

"It'll be awkward".

"Fine", he sighed. "Your not really leaving me with many people left to invite Jas".

I took this as my que.

"You could always invite Bart?" I heard my voice rise by a pitch or two as I asked this question, so it sounded really girly, the way it always seemed to when I was talking about Bart.

"Ah now I see where you've been going with this". He laughed slightly. "Nice try Jas".

"Please". I found myself pleading with him. I was having to beg my twin brother to help me with my love life. Pathetic, I knew, but it was better than not seeing him.

"Invite him yourself", he told me.

"That looks too obvious", I replied.

"No more obvious than getting me to do it for you". Annoyingly, he had a point.

"Do you mind if I invite him though?" Why was I asking him? What if he told me not to?

"Well it's either hanging out with you listening to you moan about Bart all day, or have to put up with the idiot himself and watch him trying to on with my sister. Neither of them are exactly great prospects".

"Just make your mind up Seth".

"Fine. Invite him".

I squealed and got out of my seat to hug him.

"Thank you!"

Now I had to find something slightly more decent to wear. I didn't know what had gotten into me - I'd acted like this as Jasmine before, but that had been just that - an act. Now I wasn't making a consious effort towards my behaviour. It seemed to come naturally.

I darted up the stairs and dialled Bart's number.

"Hello?" He sounded terrible.

"You okay?"

"Jas?" He sounded better at the sound of my voice.

"Yeah".

"I'm fine, just tired. I didn't exactly get much sleep last night".

"You're not the only one".

"I'm sorry about last night".

"Me too".

"Why are you sorry?"

I didn't want to talk about this just now.

"We can talk about that later. It's been ages - I want to spend some time with you".

"Me too. What did you have in mind?"

"Well sorry for the dissapointment but I was hoping you could save me from the family outing from hell". I decided not to mention how much I'd actually missed them. I was trying to keep the conversation light-hearted.

"Where to?"

"The zoo". I laughed again as the words left my mouth.

"Sounds fun". I could picture him at the other end of the line, grinning that cheeky grin of his, finding it thoroughly amusing.

"You can wipe that grin off your face", I told him.

"How do you-"

"I know you Bartholomew. Stop laughing at my family's deluded idea of entertainment".

"Was there really any need to use my full name?"

"No but I felt like it. Are you coming or not?"

"To the zoo?"

"Yes, to the zoo. Stop laughing".

"I'm not laughing".

"You're trying not to".

"Yeah, there's a distinct difference".

"Just please come. It'll be good to just forget about everything for a day and have some fun. Remind ourselves how everything started in the first place".

"You're right", he agreed. "I'll be there in ten".

The zoo was tiny, the cafe was closed all day and most of the animals were nocturnal which meant they were asleep for the duration of our visit. But the day was still great. Riley agreed to accompany Mitzee to the "small furry animals" section, only to trick her by leading her to the reptiles, resulting in a still shaken Mitzeee and a broken finger on my brother from the strength Mitzee had placed on his hand in her fright. Seth had tagged along with Bart and I, which I didn't really mind, and they'd actually appeared to get along moderatly alright so far. We were sat on a wobbly picnik bench, overlooking the sleeping lions.

"Lucky", Seth commented. "They don't get any-one waking them up at eight thirty". I laughed in agreement.

"Riley?" Bart queried.

"Yeah", I informed him. "So we could go on this fascinating trip".

"Hey, it hasn't been so bad", Bart smiled. "We get to spend some time together".

Seth coughed.

"Pass me the sick bag".

"Shut up Seth", I laughed.

"Have you seen Jonno or Neil or anyone yet?" I asked Bart. "Since yesterday. Since ... you know".

"No, there's been too much going on - you know what yesterday was like and all this morning until you called I've been getting yelled at by Carmel".

"What did you do?"

"Sinead".

"Oh".

The atmosphere was tense for a few moments before Seth broke the silence.

"It wasn't your fault. Either of you. You weren't driving the car".

I nodded, not really agreeing with what he was saying but not wanting to ruin the day.

"Come on", Bart said, putting his arm around me. "Let's go and find some animals that are actually awake".

We walked, Bart and I hand in hand, around the zoo in search of something vaguely interesting.

"God this place is dull", Bart stated. "It couldn't half do with some brightening up".

"What do you suggest?" I asked him, knowing exactly what he had in mind. Smiling, he took a few small cans of spray paint out of his coat pocket, passing one to me.

"I think I'm going to find Riley and Mitzeee", Seth told us, walking away. I was grateful for the time he was giving us.

We'd just finished what was in our eyes a work of art, but was clearly vandalism in the view of the very angry sounding site manager, so we were hiding from him, having ran to the nearest building and sneaking behind it. As Bart followed me to the back of the toilet block I was standing behind, laughing, he stood in front of me. I felt myself pushed back slightly so that my back was upright against the brick, Bart smiling down at me, both of us laughing as he leaned in to kiss me.

I was reminded of the 8th of August 2010, I still remembered the date, when I'd caught Bart tagging grafiti around the village. He'd thought I was going to grass him up but I'd instead taken the can from him and joined in. After telling him about the return of my cousin Mitzee to Hollyoaks that day, to make me feel better he'd sprayed _Mitzee is fat _on the wall in green lettering. We'd watched her reaction from the safety of the arch, peering over as she screeched "Where are ya?" at no-one. Laughing, we'd ducked down quickly before she'd had a chance to see us, laughing, Bart had put a finger to his mouth before kissing me. I hadn't wanted to, but due to my urge to be a boy, I'd known that pushing me away from me had been the best thing to do.

That had been before anything dramatic had happened between us - back when we were just young, together and crazy about each other. No drama, no heartache, no complications. I'd almost lost hope of it ever being like that again. Today, however, had reminded me of how easy it could be between Bart and I, how well we really got on with each other - that we were great friends aswell as being in love. The last time I'd been in this position, two summers ago, I'd pushed him away, started all the complications that eventually ruined our relationship when he'd found about about my dressing up as alter-ego Jason at nights.

Right now, I had something precious. I had a second chance. They didn't come around often and this time I was determined to do everything right. I leant in and kissed him back. The kiss was passionate, soft and gentle but also with a hint of lust. I never wanted it to end and when it did I felt all girly and light-headed.

"Bart", I whispered as we leant our foreheads against each other. "What are we?" We still hadn't made it clear what was going on between us, we'd both needed time to get our heads around the situation. But now I had, and I was more certain than ever what I wanted. Or should I say who.

"I love you Jasmine", he told me for the second time in the duration of my time back in Chester. I may have over-heard all the stuff he'd said about me to Sinead, but it meant more to hear him say those three little words to me directly.

"I love you too", I replied, saying the words aloud for the first time since the phonecall. The first time I'd told him that since that night in London when I'd gone with him as Jason to help him win back Sinead. "So, so much". I paused. As estatic as I was to have heard him tell me he loved me, I couldn't honestly think of a time I'd felt so happy, I knew from experience that those words didn't nessicarily mean we were together. "So what are we Bart?"

"I'm sorry to break it to you, Jas", he told me smiling. "But I think this means I'm your boyfriend, so like it or not your stuck with me". I felt myself smiling widely.

"You're very sure of yourself", I replied, laughing slightly.

"No. I'm just very sure about you", he told me. Before I knew it we were kissing again.


	9. Still Not Sure

**A/N Any hard-core Jart fans that didn't already know, the storyline is up for two awards, one for their scenes in the cellar and another for A Little Film About Love - you can vote for free at e4(dot)com/hbb2011 Every-one else just enjoy the story :L**

**Bart's P.O.V**

"Bart have you been listening to a single word I've said this morning?" Carmel tutted and shook her head as she spoke. "You know, sometimes I wonder if you ever even stop to think about other people. Poor Sinead, after all you told her and -" It had been the same crap on repeat for the last two days. Well, when I said crap what I really meant was the truth I was trying to avoid, but Carmel was my cousin - she was one of the few people in the village I'd hoped to be on my side.

"Are you still going on at him?" Thankfully Mercedes interrupted her mid-sentance as she made her way down the stairs. "Give the boy a break".

"Yes, well". Carmel looked outraged. "You would feel for him, wouldn't you, Mercedes? You're hardly great with relationships yourself. When was the last time you spoke to Riley?" Although it was true that, when it came to staying faithful, Mercy's track record wasn't great, I couldn't help feeling that Carmel's comment had been uncalled for. Carm was generally a really happy, bubbly person, however infidelity seemed to be a touchy subject for her, it nearly always set her off. I wondered which guy had screwed her over so badly she'd ended up like this. Whoever it was, I wanted to find them and have a few words. Not only for being an asshole to my cousin but also for getting her so uptight about the subject that I'd been in a two-day lecture from her.

"Riley and I aren't in a relationship", Mercedes replied flatly.

"Yes you are. As mother and father of your child. You should be working on getting back to being a family, not being constantly at war with one another".

"Right, I'm going to get off to college", I told them, leaving my half-eaten bowl of cereal on the side, grabbing my coat and heading to the door. I figured it was probably best to leave now before my eardrums collapsed from the volume of the screaming match that was bound to start any time soon. As I closed the door behind me I could her Mercedes trying to reason with her about Sinead, then Carmel yelling something about Calvin, who's name I recognized as her late husband. As to what relevence he had to the argument, I had no idea, but I was sure as hell glad I'd gotten out of there in time.

I met Jasmine outside the pub, she'd been sitting at one of the tables overlooking the so-called village lake that I would have described as more of a pond, sipping a glass of coke. She looked a lot more relaxed about the day looming ahead of us than I felt. I'd even revised last night, some-thing that was about as unusal as Theresa forgetting to apply her make-up, just for something to take my mind off things. It hadn't worked.

"Hey gorgeous", I grinned, trying my hardest to obtain the confident act I was putting on and taking a seat opposite her.

"Hey", she smiled back at me, twirling her straw around with her fingers for a moment before taking one last sip and standing up. "Let's get going then".

"You feeling okay about today?" I asked her, taking her hand as we both started to walk in the direction of the college.

"Well we survived a trip to the zoo with my family. We can get through anything", she joked. She was smiling but I could tell from her eyes that she was acting just as much as I was. She may have been able to fool the top consultants in the USA but she couldn't fool her boyfriend. I knew her too well. I gave her hand a little squeeze for comfort, which she returned.

"Hey, Bart! Jason! Wait up!" Jas and I exchanged worried glances at the familiar sound of Jonno's voice. Soon he was walking beside me.

"Jase mate, long time no see". He turned to me and grinned. "I see you two finally got it together then mate? Good job, she is well fitter than Sinead".

"Em, thanks mate". I laughed slightly. "But her name is Jasmine".

I could sense Jas was feeling a little isolated from the conversation as we both talked about her in third person and decided to do something about it.

"Jas you remember Jonno right?" I knew she full when she remembered him, we'd only talked about every-one who had known her as Jason the previous night on the phone, but it was the only thing I could think of to bring her into the conversation and she seemed to pick up on it.

"Yeah", she smiled at him. "I looked a bit different back then though".

"So you're back to being a girl full-time now huh?"

"Mmhm". I could tell she was starting to become uncomfortable with where this conversation was headed, she'd been dreading having to tell every-one the full story again, although she was aweare it was something she was likely to have to do.

"Good. It would've been such a waste if you'd gone through with it. And let's face it you were hardly the best lad were you?"

"Huh?"

"Well, the guy who used to be a girl and still liked lads. It's hardly the same as being gay is it? It was just weird. And you were crap at football".

I had a feeling that, in his own warped little world, Jonno was probably doing his best to try and comfort her - make her see that no-one would judge her for going back to a girl, that they could just pretend like Jason never existed. In reality, though, it didn't matter what his intentions were - he was being an ignorant bastard towards my girlfriend, who was going through a hard enough time already.

"Yes, Jonno. Because being crap at football does generally mean you must want to be a girl". As the words left my mouth I was surpised at myself - it sounded like much more of a Jasmine thing to say that my own. She'd been back just two days and was already starting to rub off on me.

"Alright, stupid thing to say, sorry", he apologised.

I decided to cut him some slack. He was my best mate, after all. Besides Jasmine of course.

"Don't worry about it", I told him. "We need to move quicker if we're going to get there on time".

"Since when have you cared about stuff like that?"

"The first day back after this weekend's going to be hard enough. The last thing either of us need is to be late aswell", I informed him, gesuturing to Jasmine and myself.

From the moment we stepped through the college gates, all eyes were on us. I wasn't sure I even knew the names of half the people staring but they certainly seemed to know me. I was Bart McQueen, the stupid prick that made Sinead O'Connor so upset she got hit by a car. And then there was Jas. Jasmine Costello, the weirdo that screwed up her own life and every-one around her's by wanting to be a boy, only to do the same thing again when she reversed back to a girl. I hated knowing that was how they'd be thinking of her.

As we walked into the main building, we tried to be quick, both of us desperatly wanting to get inside and escape the taunts and objects being thrown at us.

"You guys not coming over?" Jonno asked us, gesturing over to my usual group of friends, who I assumed he was about to walk over to.

"Not today mate".

"Maddie will be there", Jas added. "And I don't think she'd be too pleased to see me".

Jonno nodded.

"Later then".

As he walked over to the picnik bench they were all gathered around, with the obvious exception of Sinead, we walked inside.

"I've got to go to the head", Jasmine told me. "See about timetables and stuff".

"Can't you just carry on with your old one?" I didn't like the way she was being treated as a new girl. She wasn't. She'd simply returned.

"I doubt they still have it on the records after a year", she replied. "I definatly threw my copy out. And anyway, I don't want one with Jason Costello written on it". Okay, so maybe now she had a point. I could live very happily never hearing the name Jason again.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"I'll be fine". She smiled at me reassuringly but I wasn't convinced.

"Tough. I'm coming".

"Are you sure?"

"Stop talking and start walking. _We _need to get there".

"Thank-you", she smiled, genuine this time. "You're the best".

"I know", I replied. "I hope you're aweare of how incredibly lucky you are to have me".

She laughed, punching my arm playfully.

"You shouldn't do that so often", I told her, laughing aswell. "I don't want to get into an abusive realtionship".

I got another light playfull punch for that.

"Oi!"

"Sorry". She was still laughing as she apologised. I stood in front of her, placing my hands around her waist.

"Don't be", I told her. "You could always kiss me better though, if your concerned". After giving me a light kiss on the cheek she pulled away. Knowing this was all she'd feel comfortable doing publicly, I nodded and didn't chase her up on it.

We didn't have many classes together. Only one, and that was Geography which neither of us had until further on in the week. I hoped she was at least with Seth today. I couldn't stand the thought of her facing people alone.

I walked her to her first lesson, Maths - I was unsure why she'd chosen to take such a boring subject but at least pleased that there was no way Maddie would be the class. Although she was fairly academic she didn't like it to show, and prefered to take subjects in The Arts.

"You'll be fine", I told her, attempting to reassure myself as much as her, before giving her a quick hug and heading to my own class.

Unfortunatly for me, my first lesson's population consisted mainly of girls. Girls seemed to treat their friends practicly as family. I knew if any guy did to my cousins what I'd done to Sinead, I wouldn't be able to wait to get my hands on them. And Sinead had a lot of friends.

The room went silent as I entered it. Once again, all eyes were on me. I tried to shrug it off and go to my seat but their gaze followed my movement.

"What?" I knew exactly what it was, but I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of getting upset over it. I wanted them to know how much they were pissing me off, how pathetic they were being. It wasn't as if the majority of them had ever had more than a few conversations with Sinead.

Maddie was the first to approach me.

"Bart hun, you know I love you but there's only so much I can do when you start going out with a boy".

Her calm approach suprised me - I'd expected her to be fuming.

"Look Maddie", I replied, lowering my voice as much as I could - I didn't want every-one else to hear the conversation. "Okay every-one you can stop listening now!" I practicly yelled the last bit. It had no effect, the rest of the room remained in an eerie silence. Seeing that my protests were getting me nowhere, I rolled my eyes and lowered my voice to a whisper once more. "I really am sorry about Sinead. I never wanted to hurt her and I did, so I'm sorry. She doesn't deserve to be in that hospital".

"No. She doesn't. They're letting her home today by the way".

"Thank God. But anyway - what happened with Sinead, that was terrible - I take full responsiblity. Because it was my fault. Not Jasmine's. So stop taking it out on her - you've got no right to go around calling her a boy".

"She's back to being a girl for good?"

I was sick and tired of answering the same question.

"Yes".

"I think maybe the two of you need to talk".

"We have. Not that it's any of your buissiness".

"Has she properly explained why she didn't want to go through with the transition?"

Thinking about it, she hadn't, not fully, all she'd explained was how she'd ran out of the operation, not why. However, Maddie didn't need to know that.

"Yeah. So? What's it to you?"

"I just think you should talk to her again Bart. Make sure she's certain before you get your hopes up".

"She told me she's sure Maddie".

"And you trust her?"

"What the hell? Of course I trust her!" That last bit had been a bit louder than I'd meant for it to be, and the few people who had finally started to quietly talk amoungst themselves returned their attention to my table. Great. Where the hell was the teacher, anyway? "I trust her", I repeated, returning to a whisper. "I love her".

"That's the whole point, Bart".

"What?"

"I just ... I think maybe you love her _too _much. Too much to see what every-one else can".

"And what's that?"

She sighed.

"I didn't want to have to tell you this Bart. But it's only fair. Because I care about you".

"Spit it out Maddie". I was growing increasingly annoyed with my ex, so much so that I was starting to wonder what I'd ever seen in her in the first place - as a girlfriend or a good mate.

She took her bag off her sholder and took out a small container, the label clearly reading "JASON COSTELLO".

"I saw these fall out of her bag this morning", she told me, passing them over. I inspected the label - I'd had my worries ever since seeing the name printed, and my fears were confirmed as I read the small-print. It contained testosterone.

"She's still taking them", she told me. "She's still not sure about being a girl, Bart".


	10. Broken Record

**A/N Sorry for two uploads in one day but this was all origionally written as one chapter, when I uploaded it to the Doc Manager and saw how long it was I decided to spread it out more so there wasn't one randomly long chapter. And btw the flash-back is actually what happened in Hollyoaks, I paused it and wrote it out so yeah, *disclamier* or whatever you're supposed to do, for the flashback.**

**Bart's P.O.V**

My head was spinning out of control, my whole world feeling as if it was on the verge of falling apart once again. I didn't know what to think any-more, but one thing was for sure - I needed to find Jasmine. Now.

Taking the pills with me in their container, I stormed out of class and made my way to the maths department, my feet moving on auto-pilot. I reached her classroom a lot quicker than I'd expected to due to my quick movement, and looked in through the small window from the corridor to the classroom. Jas was sat at one of the desks with her head down, writing. She had her free hand to her head, holding her hair away from flopping to the front of her face as her head was slanted downwards, her expression full of concentration. She looked gorgeous.

I couldn't bring myself to go in and confront her just yet - I was terrified of the outcome. Leaning back against the corridor wall, I was reminded of the 28th October 2010, lying in hospital after Fern had stabbed me, Jasmine knocking at the door to my hospital room. The day my life changed forever. The memory played over and over in my mind like a broken record.

_I looked up as I heard the knock and looked through the small window in the door. My beautiful girlfriend Jasmine was stood outside, looking in, smiling sadly when she saw me. About thirty seconds previously I'd been in indescribable pain, however the sight of her pushed that to the back of my mind. Shit. I had to stop thinking about her as my girlfriend - she'd broken up with me the night before, after the second time she'd ran out as we tried to have sex. "What's up with you? You're not normal", I said to her. I'd seen her at Anita's earlier, she'd been crying, I'd tried to apologise but she wasn't having it. But she was here now - proof that in spite of everything, when it came down to it she still cared about me and, hopefully, wanted to be with me. I smiled at her, letting her know I wanted her to come in. She didn't say anything as she opened the door, just walked straight over and hugged me tight, yesterday's break-up seemed to be forgotten._

_"Ahh!" My outburst came out as more of a whisper, the pain flooding back as she hugged me right where I'd been stabbed. _

_"Sorry"._

_The pain was now worse than it had been before now, but I didn't want her to know that._

_"Ah it's alright". I'd been trying to sound reassuring but was pretty sure I'd failed._

_"I'm so glad you're alright", she told me, smiling, sitting down beside me and holding my arm._

_"Fern beat you to it". _

_"What?"_

_I sat up in the bed, slowly._

_"She was my first visitor"._

_Jas looked concerned._

_"Oh, did she say anything about me?" I was confused by this - I'd just been stabbed. Why was Jas more concerned about what she may have said behind her back than what she'd said to me?_

_"Why would she?" _

_"With me not being here". She smiled as she spoke and the pain seemed to somehow subside yet again._

_"Nah", I told her. "It was all about Jason". She nodded, her expression sincere. "You wouldn't believe what she told me". I took me a while to explain what she'd said, how Jason had stabbed me. "I knew he wasn't right the minute I saw him", I added when I'd repeating the story to Jas. "I mean you carry a knife on you, what do you think's going to happen?" I ignored her question, still puzzled over this mysterious Jason kid._

_"Well that's the thing - are you sure she's telling you everything?"_

_"Why, do you think she's blagging me?"_

_"It's just one side of the story"._

_"Well have you got another?"_

_"No"._

_"This is so messed up", I groaned, taking her hand. "It's all mad"._

_"I know". _

_"I need to speak to the coppers"._

_"Just slow down a sec. I thought you didn't remember anything?"_

_I lay back, looking at the celing._

_"Just bits. It doesn't matter though. What matters is he stuck a knife in me"._

_"Remember Fern hates him - what if she's trying to get back at him?" She sounded desperate now. _

_"You must really like Jason"._

_"What?"_

_"To keep backing him up"._

_"No, I just-"_

_"What?"_

_"Everything's not always as it seems"._

_Suddenly, looking at her as she said those words, snippets of earlier, of the stabbing, started to come flooding back. Fern holding the knife. Pushing me over. Stabbing me, then running off._

_"So it was Fern. But he said _I'm not who you think I am_"._

_"What?"_

_"That's what he said to me. What does he mean by that?"_

_I could see it clearly now, Jason standing by the tree as he told me._

_Then Jasmine, in front of me - just how uncannily simular their voices and faces were._

_"It means I know exactly why you wanna protect him, Jas". She looked as if she were about to cry. "Or should I say Jason"._

I couldn't go through that again. Watch as she slowly turned into Jason - first telling me she wasn't a girl on multiple occasions, showing me herself dressed in her boy's clothes, then cutting her hair and telling her family, gradually _only_ wearing lad's garments, changing her name, taking blockers, starting treatment, planning to have a sex change. The pain watching that had caused me the first time had been excruciating.

I punched the wall so hard my fist began to bleed, desperatly fighting away the tears that were threatening to fall any second. Leaning back against the door to her classroom, I knew I had to do this. As much as I wanted to just chuck the pills out and pretend I'd never seen them, I couldn't. Something as magior as that could not be put to the back of my mind that easily.

I walked to the small window overlooking her classroom once more and knocked on it. Inside, every-one looked up. I shook the small bottle of pills in Jas's direction. She got her stuff and left the classroom. I heard the teacher shouting after her for leaving as I held her by the wrist and marched her further up the corridor. As much as I would have prefered to hold her hand, I didn't trust myself. I needed to somehow push away my feelings for her and urge to kiss her for the next few minutes.

Maybe Maddie had a point - in my eyes, Jasmine was perfect. I'd thought our love was a good thing, but maybe she was right - maybe I was in far too deep. How had I not noticed she'd been lying about her sincerity about being Jasmine again? How had I not been more suspicous, demanded she explained in depth what had made her change her mind? I loved her so much it had clouded my vision.

Deciding we were far enough away now to not worry about her teacher or any-one from her class following, I held the pills up to her again.

"Bart what the hell do you think you're doing? If you think you can just pull me out of class to do drugs with you - for a start I actually want to do well in my exams later this year, and also do you not remember what happened to Seth when he took steriods? How do you know whatever pills those are aren't dodgy too?"

I was a little taken aback by this. Was she just calling bluff same as always or was she actually just that stupid?

"Oh, are you sure you don't want one?" I asked her. "_Jason_".

Her expression stayed as angry, but now there was hurt and confusion in her eyes, too.

"What the _hell_?"

"Oh come on. You might reckon you're a good actress, Jas, but you can't lie your way out of this one! How could you do this to me? After _everything _we've been through!"

"Right Bart, so are you actually planning on telling me what you're on about any time soon or are we just going to stand here playing the guessing game all day?"

I couldn't take this any more. I thrust the pills at her. Eyebrows lowered, she read the label, looking confused. Great. She was going to play the "I don't know how you got these" card.

"I don't know how you got these, Bart, but they're not mine".

"Oh right on cue!"

"What?"

"Nothing". I paused, trying to compose myself. "So who's are they then, Jas? Go on, tell me - who's pills are these, with testosterone in them, adressed to Mr Jason Costello? Eh? Go ahead and tell me because I'm dying to know".

"I don't know!" She screamed. "But they're not mine, you have to believe me!"

"Maddie saw them fall out of your bag!" I roared, unable to contain my rage any longer.

She didn't respond for a good ten seconds, just stared at me, her expression unreadable, though I could make out her emotions from the tears streaming down her face.

"Maddie", she repeated, quietly, appearing deep in thought. I saw where she was going with this.

"Oh don't you try and turn it around on her now", I warned her. "How would she get your pills eh? How would she do that?"

"I don't know", she admitted. If you were going to lie you could at least think of a decent excuse to back it up. "I used to get mine online, sneakily", she told me after a few moments pause. "You just need to pay, give them your name and address and they'll send them to you".

"So what are you saying Jas?"

"I'm just saying, everything isn't always as it seems".

Oh no. No way. No fucking way in hell was she going there again. I slammed my fist against a nearby locker. My fist had slammed into a lot of things in the past few days, and by now it was really starting to hurt, especially considering it had only just stopped bleeding. The nightmare was happening again. Most nights until Jasmine had returned, I'd had that dream. That day in the hospital. _Everything isn't always as it seems. _She was not doing this to me again. She couldn't. I put my hand in a fist again and raised it to my mouth, as I always seemed to do when thinking things through seriously. I desperatly wanted to believe what she was telling me, that the pills weren't hers. But how could I when the evidence was staring me in the face?

"Right, so let me get this straight Jasmine - you're telling me that Maddie, yeah, ordered these pills, in your name, and told me they'd fallen out of your bag?"

"Yes". She nodded, looking relieved. Relieved she hadn't been caught.

"Okay, well let's go and see if that's true shall we?"

"What are you talking about?"

"We should be the only ones who know where your new locker is. Let's go check it. And then we can check your bathroom and all - see what delightful little pills we can find".

I was already storming off towards the direction of her locker. She grabbed my arm, pulling me back.

"Bart come on, you're over-reacting".

"No _you _come on".

Seeing her defeat, she followed me, standing a few yards back as I opened her locker.

"See", she told me. "I told you you wouldn't find anything".

"Oh yeah?" I asked her, my hand on my mouth in a fist again in my shock. "Then what's this?" I pulled out the book, _Transgender: Making the transition_, for her to see. As if she hadn't seen it many times before. The corner of one of the pages was folded down, I assumed it was the point she'd last been reading from. My heart sank as I opened it and saw the text.

"It is common", I read aloud, "to feel guilt over the stress put on the family during the stages of treatment. Many can attempt to go back to living as their biological gender to please others, only to find it too much of a struggle and continue their transition. This is perfectly normal and you should feel no guilt if this happens to you". I was literally shaking. When I'd finished reading the passage, I closed the book and threw it to the ground. "I can't believe you", I told her. "I can't even look at you".

First lesson was starting to come to an end now so the corridors were no longer empty. We were greeted with many amused looks by every-one who'd witnessed the argument.

"Please Bart you know that isn't true. You know I'm serious about being a girl. I _am _a girl", she pleaded.

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL RILEY?"

I felt myself about to explode. I'd been asking myself the Riley question for days on end, however it was only now that it caused me such a worry. It was all slotting into place, slowly making sense. She'd never been serious about going back to Jasmine at all. It had all been one huge facade.

She still hadn't respoded to me, just stood in the the corridor, not moving, tears pouring down her cheeks.

"You know what, Jas? Feel free to live a lie for as long as you damn well want. But you're going to have to do it without me".

**Maddie's P.O.V**

"Just this once", I pleaded.

"No", Tilly laughed. "I am not doing your homework for you so you can spend the night with Callum".

"God Tilly you have to make everything sound filthy. We're just going for something to eat".

"I don't, maybe you just have a filthy mind".

"On behalf of Bart and the stories he told me when you were going out", Jonno added, "I can confirm that".

"Shut up". I shoved him jokingly, laughing. "Oh, speak of the devil". Bart was storming out of college, bumping into loads of practicly every-one as he did so. He didn't even seem to notice.

"God what's up with him?" George queried. "I know his girlfriend doesn't want to be a lad anymore and his ex has been hit by a car but seriously, he's behaving like more of a drama queen that me. That's not on".

"Cut him some slack, George", I smirked. "He's just got the shock of his life. For the second time around?"

"And what do you mean by that?" Jonno asked, looking genuinly concerned for his friend. Shame. Jonno could do better than Bart and his manipulative ways. We all could.

"He's just found out", I announced to the others - which consisted of Tilly, George, Jonno and Callum - rather proudly. "That his girlfriend wants to be a boy. Again".

"Bloody hell, are you serious?" Jonno couldn't help laughing slightly.

"How do you know Mads?" Callum was suspicious as always.

"Because", I informed them all. "I was the one who told them. I found testosterone pills in her bag, the label saying they were for Jason Costello". I smiled. "Tragic really".

"Yeah", Callum agreed sarcasticly. "You look gutted".

"Oi", I laughed. "He put one of my best friends in hospital. I'm allowed to be happy with something not going his way for a change".

"Because things always work out so hard for you".

"Okay, enough with the sarcasm. I thought you were supposed to be my loving caring boyfriend? Stick up for me for a change".

I was only pretending to be annoyed - I actually really liked the whole dynamic of Callum and I's relationship - in many things we were polar opposites, and loved to remind each other of it. In other ways, however, we brang out the best in each other, and were more ourselves around each other than any-one else.

"Oh God", Tilly exclaimed. "She looks terrible".

I followed her gaze until I saw Jasmine, stood in the corridor, eyes red from crying.

"You're not wrong there Tills", George agreed. "She couldn't half do with some foundation".

We all, suprisingly including me, looked at George weirdly.

"Sensitive George, sensitive". Tilly rolled her eyes and walked off towards Jasmine.

I didn't know why but I couldn't help feeling sympathetic towards Jasmine.

"Should we go over too?" Jonno asked. Callum nodded. Reluctantly, I followed them. Just because I felt sorry for her it still didn't mean I wanted to be anywhere near the skank that stole Sinead's boyfriend. Plus I was feeling way more guilty than I'd anticipated and I wasn't sure I trusted myself not to blurt out the truth.

"You". Jasmine pulled away from the hug she'd been in with Tilly to look at me directly. "How could you do this? I know you're mad about Sinead. But this?"

"Hey", Tilly scolded. "There's no need to blame Maddie. If you say the pills aren't yours, then I believe you - but it could have been any-one in the college".

Jonno nodded, but after taking one look at my expression, Callum could see right through me. He shook his head slowly.

"Please tell me you didn't".

"I didn't". I could tell how unbelievable I sounded. "It's not my fault she's a freak. I mean come on guys - the pills, the book -"

"What book?" Jasmine cut me short, walking over to her locker and opening it. "Oh that's right, maybe this one". She removed the book from her locker for every-one to see. "The one that nobody's actually mentioned yet. So how the _hell _would you know that if it wasn't you?"

I scanned my brain franticly, but I couldn't think of a plausable excuse.

"I'm sorry Jasmine".

For once I wasn't lying. I'd thought of it as just sticking up for Sinead, letting people know not to mess about with my friend's fragile heart. There were many things I'd previously done on occasions like this that, although Tilly had had a go at me for, I still didn't regret. But with this, I could see I'd taken it too far. Way too far. I remembered what Sinead had said in California - Jasmine was the love of Bart's life. She hadn't stolen him away from her, it had been Bart's choice to make. All she'd done was return to the place that was rightfully her home. If I was going to be mad with any-one, it should have been Bart. Now I'd just turned what must have already been a pretty shit day into probably the worst in her life. _Well - apart from finding out her Grandad was a murderer who had in fact been the cause of the deaths of both her Gran and Mum. _Crap. Jasmine Costello had had one hell of a hard time. And just as she'd been about to get a fresh start I'd screwed it all up for her.

Worst of all, I knew the real reason I'd been so mad at her. Because two years ago, in August of 2010, Bart had fallen in love with some girl he'd met in the village he'd moved to, where his Auntie lived. Only a month after breaking up with me. I'd been completly crazy about him and wanted him back, only no matter how much I offered myself to him, over phone or the internet, he'd always decline, telling me he had a girlfriend, he loved her, and to back the hell off. Two whole years ago. I'd somehow thought that when Sinead got hurt by her and Bart's strong love for each other aswell, Jasmine needed to get what was coming to her. What had, in my mind, been building up for two years. It was only now that I was begining to realise just how pathetic that was.

"Save it Maddie", she told me, walking off. I stayed stood where I was, trying to get my head around the harsh reality of what I'd done to her, as Callum joined her in walking away. I turned to Tilly and Jonno, the only ones remaining. George hadn't bothered to come with us to see Jasmine.

"Look", I tried desperatly to explain. "I never meant to hurt-"

"You knew exactly what you were doing", Jonno snapped, interrupting me. "You always do".

With that, they both walked away, leaving me standing there. I'd never felt so alone in my life.


	11. Talking It Through

**A/N Thank-you to the Jart fansite jartfans(dot)tumblr(dot)com for the mention of my fic on their site, and thanks to OliviaEmma for telling me about the mention on there and her constant reviews and helpful chat messages :)**

**Jasmine's P.O.V**

I was dreading this day at school even more than I had the day before. Today, not only would every-one be judging me for being the girl who'd changed her mind about being a boy, but the girl who couldn't decide and was happy to screw around with everyone else's lives while she figured it out. The people who hadn't seen Bart and I's fight had been informed about it from those who had, or had made up their own version of events. Seth had tried to clear it up but as my twin, no-one had really paid much attention.

Determined to be strong and not run away from things any more, I'd stayed for the duration of the school day. It had been a constant nightmare - hardly any-one talked to me and those who did were only there to insult me or dig for gossip. Maddie had made numerous attempts to apologise but I'd ignored her. Maybe she really did wish she hadn't done those things. But she had done them and I wasn't interested in her pathetic excuses. Even those closest to her had hardly said a word to her all day, with the exception of George, but I often wondered if he really had any standards at all. Thinking about it, that was probably a harsh and un-nessicary thought. I'd been snappy with everything and every-one for the last twenty four hours.

I wasn't sure what had upset me most - the fact that I wasn't being allowed to forget about my past as Jason, that every-one in school had seen the argument - I hated my buissiness being spread so publicly - that every-one thought I was even more of a freak than they had done already. Or if it was that Bart hadn't believed me. And that however hard we tried, we could never escape the events of two years ago.

Seth had tried his best to be supportive. He'd stayed with me at break and lunch, let me have control of the remote back at home - which, for him, was quite an honour, and told me over and over that Bart was an idiot. The worst part was that, even after all that had just happened, the thought of some-one insulting Bart still angered me. As much as I wanted to hate him, it was pointless even trying to pretend to. I knew from experience that it wasn't that easy to fall out of love with him.

"You thinking about Bart again?" Seth nudged me, bringing me to my senses. "I don't know why you waste so much time on him".

We were on our way to college. It was a cold, rainy November day and I would much rather have been tucked up in my bed, warm and cosy, but instead I was on my way to another day of inevitable torture. On the bright side, I doubted I'd have to deal with Bart today - he was well-known for his skiving so with the weather like this, the chances of him pulling himself out of the house were unlikely.

"I thought you were supposed to be his mate?"

"Yeah. But you're my sister, and that comes first".

"Thanks Seth", I smiled. "You know, at times you can actually be alright".

"And very occasionally, you can be alright too. If you carry on thinking about that tosser, though, this will no longer be one of them. Come on - the sooner we get there the better, I want to get into the warm".

"Then let's just go back to the pub". I suprised myself there, I hadn't even known I'd been thinking about being at home as anything more than the normal on-the-way-to-college daydream until that point.

"No way", he told me. "The longer you put it off, the worse it's going to be when you finally do go back".

"You go, then", I replied, walking away.

"And where do you think you're going?"

"There's somewhere I need to go, Seth", I yelled after him, continuing to walk away.

"This is ridiculous, Jasmine. You're acting like a stupid little girl".

"I thought that was what you wanted? You never really loved me as Jason, remember?"

"Oh just stop attention seeking Jas".

He sighed and carried on walking. Attention seeking? It was true that I could be guilty of that at times, like when I'd sent a picture of Mitzeee asleep in Riley's bed to her boyfriend at the time, Warren. But I didn't see how this was one of those times. Sinead had been hit by a car, practicly every-one hated Bart and I for it, Maddie had proven that I couldn't really trust any-one, even Bart hadn't believed me and now I was being told to stop attention seeking? Yes, I was annoyed, and yes, so the comment may have been un-called for. But everything was falling apart around me - wasn't I allowed to be a little selfish once in a while? Seth turned back round, shaking his head at me.

"You're seriously not coming?"

"Like I said - there's somewhere I need to go".

"Whatever Jasmine", Seth sighed as we both walked off in opposite directions.

Finn did not look impressed as he answered the door to the O'Connor household.

"What do you want?" He snapped.

"Is Sinead in?"

"Of course she's in. She can't exactly go anywhere".

I'd never seen Finn behave like this before, but he was being protective of his sister and I didn't blame him. I knew what Seth and Riley could get like over me.

"Can I talk to her?"

"And why would she want to talk to you?"

"Finn please".

"Finn just get to school!" I heard Sinead's voice increasing in volume as she got further down the stairs. She stopped walking for a moment when she saw me. "Finn get to school", she repeated.

Rolling his eyes, he left.

"What do you want?" Sinead repeated her brother's question as she walked closer to me, holding on to the door-frame for support. She was wearing loose-fitting pyjamas, her hair was tied back in a bun like she'd always used to have it in year eleven - her face pale and bare of make-up. She looked almost unrecognisable. "Well?" Her attitude towards me had changed greatly in the few days I'd been back from California. I could hardly blame her.

"I just wanted to see how you were".

"Wanted to get rid of some of your guilt more like".

I had to admit she had a point. I was concerned for her, I'd be worried about any-one who'd been hit by a car, but the main reason I'd been so desperate to see her had been to reassure myself that she was okay. That she hadn't been hurt too badly, since it had after all been at least partly my fault. And possibly even to get some reassurence from Sinead herself, for her to tell me the accident hadn't been down to me.

"Look, Sinead - I'm really, really sorry".

"For what? Acting all friendly to me then completly blanking me, leaving me standing there looking on while you and Bart had your massive fucking moment? For stealing my boyfriend - not even waiting for him to break up with me before snogging the face off him? Or for the fact I got hit by a car? What exactly are you sorry for eh? There's quite a choice".

"All of it", I admitted.

"I assume you found out it was Maddie who planted those pills in your bag?"

"You knew about that?"

"Not before she did it. News travels fast, that's all. Especially when you've got a brother that likes to know everything about every-one. I'm not stupid. I know what you're up to. You've come round here to make yourself feel better and make me feel sorry for you so I make sure Maddie doesn't do anything like it again. Well it's not going to work Jasmine, so you can take your pathetic pity party elsewhere", she snapped, slamming the door in my face.

I sighed. That had not gone the way I had hoped, but I couldn't deny there were aspects of truth in what Sinead had said. Now I was stood outside in the chilly weather on my own, not sure where to go. Although I'd stupidly suggested to Seth earlier that we went back to the pub, I knew that in reality there was no way I could go home. Riley would see me come in and march me straight up to the college. That was another place I didn't want to go. I knew for certain that there was only one place I wanted to be right now, one person I wanted to be with. Typically it had to be the person I was most angry with at the moment.

I started walking and didn't stop once until I reached Bart's house, despite many people's attempts to stop me and ask nosy questions. This time, I wasn't nervous about ringing the bell and going in - I didn't even bother to knock. The door was unlocked as always - I walked in, slamming it behind me and storming through to the kitchen where I knew Bart would be. Sure enough there he was, opening a beer can.

"What the-"

I cut him short.

"You told me you want to be with me", I told him, anger evident in my voice. He looked away, not saying anything. "That you love me", I continued. His face turned further towards the floor. "Look at me Bart". I found myself brought back to the first time we'd talked after he'd discovered I wanted to be a boy, I'd come round to his house and he'd refused to look at me as I tried to explain. _Look at me Bart_. Were we just destined to repeat the same conversations over and over, stuck in an inevitable loop of time that we were unable to get out of, trapped in the past? That was what it had seemed like so far. "Well, relationship's are about trust". I carried on with what I'd been planning to say, trying to push all thoughts of how doomed our relationship had been right from the moment we'd met out of my mind. "And you didn't trust me Bart. I told you those pills weren't mine and you didn't believe me".

"I can't believe I'm hearing this". He finally looked directly at me. "You still can't admit it can you? You reckon relationships are about trust?". He laughed slightly. "You're one to talk. I'm not the one who's hiding behind a mask, lying to their boyfriend the whole time for the second time around". He walked closer to me. "You seem to think it was me that messed you around as Jason, don't you? Do you not have any idea what it was like having to call you that? Having to try and control the way I looked at you, call each other "mate"? But I did it. I carried on being friends with you anyway, even though it was painful. Even though every time we hung out I wanted to scream. I stood by you because I loved you, because I still do - and what do I get for it eh? I get it all thrown back in my face. Time and time again. How can you _be _so selfish?"

I stood where I was for a moment, not really knowing what to say to respond to that.

"Call Jonno", I replied eventually. "Ask him about the pills. See what he says".

He looked at me for a while before getting out his phone, pressing a few buttons and holding it to his ears.

"Alright?" He instantly adapted a much more confident sounding voice to speak to Jonno, clearly not wanting to him to know about the much more vunerable side to him he'd been displaying just now. The side only I seemed to know. "Yeah... Just trying to get my head around this whole thing with Jas ... You what? ... How do you- ... Okay. Right. Well thanks for letting me know mate". He ended the call, put his phone away and slowly walked into the living room and collapsed down onto one of the sofa's.

"Well?"

"How could she do that?" I noticed he had his hand in a fist shape, placed on his mouth. He only ever did that when he was really stressed. "This is so screwed up". I was still waiting for an apology. As I had the thought, he stood up and walked over to me, looking guilt-ridden.

"I am so, so sorry", he told me, reaching out his hand to my face. I pushed him away.

"Don't. Just... don't". I realised I was almost in tears. Tense was an understatement to describe the atmosphere. "I think ..." I paused, finding it hard to believe what I was about to say. "I think it might have been a mistake getting back together".

"Jas". It was only three letters but from the way he said it and the way he was looking at me, I knew exactly what was meant by them - _I've only just got you back. I love you. Please, please don't leave me again_.

"I don't want to break up with you", I told him, blinking back tears. "I love you".

"Then don't".

"But I think it might be for the best".

"And why the hell's that?"

"Because of this!" I was practically yelling. "Us! The way we just can't get past this! No matter what we do or how much time goes by everything all just comes down to this doesn't it! What happened two bloody years ago!"

"Don't let her do this", Bart begged me. "Don't let Maddie break us up".

"It's not because of Maddie", I replied honestly. "I wish it was. It's because of how you reacted after, what you said just now. You haven't let it go, have you? Everything that happened between us. And neither have I".

He sighed and walked over to the staircase, where he sat down.

"We need to talk". His voice was firm for the first time in this conversation. I was glad he could be so assertive. Both of us falling to pieces wouldn't help matters. And that was what I was on the verge of doing.

"What about?"

"Everything". He looked directly at me. "Everything", he repeated. "Starting in August 2010. When we first met".

I nodded and sat down beside him, impressed that I wasn't the only one who remembered the month we met.

"Alright?" He asked me.

"What?"

"First thing you said to me", he replied. "Then you asked if Carmel was my mum, and started moaning about yours". He put his hand on my arm. "I'm sorry", he told me. "I didn't think". I knew what he was refering to - my Mum's death.

"It's okay". I took a while before continuing. "I'm just ... I can't believe you remember that".

"I remember most things about that day Jas".

"But your memory's crap".

He laughed, a geniune smile on his face for the first time since I'd arrived.

"Yeah well some things are worth the effort", he replied. "Some people anyway".

"Go on then", I urged, eager to know how true his earlier statement had been. "What else happened that day?"

"Well, we messed around with the stuff in the salon - Evissa - while Carmel was doing some kind of fancy treatment on your mum. You waxed my legs for a laugh - hurt like hell, that - and told me it would never grow back".

"You believed it", I smiled, remembering.

"And then I said it was your turn, joked that you needed to get your kit off".

"Yeah".

"You weren't laughing at that".

"No. Hey - I wasn't snappy though. I probably just rolled my eyes".

"And said _as if_". He nodded.

"Wow, you really do remember a lot about that day don't you?"

"I didn't catch on at first, that there was anything weird about it. It makes sense now - it wasn't that you didn't want to strip off in front of a lad you'd just met - it was that you wanted to be one". He'd removed his hand from my arm now and there was a hint of anger in his voice. "Then I asked you out the next day".

"I wasn't allowed to go", I added, remembering. "I dressed up nice and girly thinking it would help me wrap Dad around my little finger. But it didn't work - he still wouldn't let me go".

"You dressed up? I never saw it".

"Well you wouldn't have, would you? I wasn't allowed to go".

"What were you wearing?" He looked thoughtful, his eyes glazing over slightly. "I never saw you dressed up. Not back then".

"A dress", I told him, remembering it clearly, "a short demin jacket, and some make-up. Some heels, too". I paused, remembering how I'd felt looking in the mirror. "I felt disgusting".

"You dressed up like that, even though you felt like a ..." He trailed off, not wanting to say it. "You did that for me?"

"I would have done anything for you. I still would".

"Not anything".

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Well you didn't care about me enough to stay did you? You left me Jasmine. You went and bloody left me".

"I'm sorry about America".

"I'm not talking about America".

"Oh". I paused, hoping he'd just continue talking - I hadn't got a clue how to respond to what he'd just said. "I needed to", I told him eventually, once it had become clear he wasn't going to carry on with what he'd been saying until he got a reply. "I'm sorry, Bart. But I had to".

"For one moment", he'd been looking down at the stairs since sitting down but now turned his head to face me, looking straight into my eyes, his own watering up, the heartbreak obviously still fresh in his memory. "Just for one split second, did you ever consider staying as Jasmine? Not buggering off and leaving me?"

I nodded. "The night you before you got stabbed. After we tried to - you know - the first time, after running out - I went to Anita's. She told me I had to decide who I wanted to be. I went home, did my make-up and went to the shack, to get my head around what I was about to do. Let go of Jason completly. Then Fern called, talking about you. She was with Mark, my mate as Jason. I wiped off the make-up, got back into Jason's clothes and went to meet her".

"You hit her", Bart smirked slightly.

"You almost hit _me_", I replied. "To be fair you did think I was just some asshole who thought it was okay to go around hitting girls".

"Yeah", he agreed, smiling. "I'm sorry about that". He paused before continuing. "So you were going to just stay as Jasmine?"

"Well, I was going to try anyway".

He nodded. I couldn't quite make out his emotion. "I think we can skip the next bit".

"What, the stabbing?" I felt my mood drop even lower at the memory of Bart lying in agony on the ground, his eyes rolling over and closing as he drifted into unconsiousness.

"Yeah", he replied. "And everything after that, until around Christmas".

"When I told my family I wanted to be Jason. They forced me to keep dressing as Jasmine until my Grandad left". I cringed slightly at how we'd all loved him before carrying on. "And you got me into the boyband, told me you loved me, and that we'd run away together".

"Yeah". He said the word slowly.

"But of course that was another lie in the long string of broken promises you gave me, wasn't it?"

"When I told you I loved you", he said sincerly, "I meant it".

I couldn't take this anymore. I'd thought talking it all through would make everything okay, but it hadn't. All it had done was dig up the feelings of sadness and heartbreak we'd both experienced during the times we'd been talking about. I didn't want to forget about what had happened - it had been time spent with Bart and that meant I never wanted to forget it - but I'd made my decision at the zoo on Sunday to give us a second chance. To concentrate on our future rather than our past.

"Bart, do we have to do this?" I asked him. "Drag up the past". I sighed. "I left, and I'm sorry - and I know everything from New Year's onwards was so screwed up - but I'm back now. I know what I want".

"To be a girl?"

"Well, yes, but you know what I'm talking about. _Who _I'm talking about".

I moved in closer to him and rested my head on his sholder. He put an arm around me, pulling me closer as I snuggled into him.

"I love you", he told me, kissing the top of my head gently. "And I am so, so sorry I didn't believe you straight away".

"I love you too", I replied. "We'll get through this, won't we?"

"Come on Jas - we're Bart and Jasmine. Jasmine and Bart. We can get through anything. Everything we just talked about proves that".

I smiled, looking up at him.

"I don't want to lose you again", I told him. "Not ever".

"Well you don't have to worry about that", he laughed. "You're not getting rid of me that easily".

"Michaela Mcqueen you will do as you're told!" The brisk voice of Myra McQueen at the other side of the front door was un-mistakable. Bart and I glanced at each other, laughing.

"I mean it, Michaela", she continued. "If you don't start helping around the house once in a while - " Her sentance was cut short as she entered the living room and turned to see Bart and I sat on the stairs. "And what the bloody hell are you doing out of college?"

"Ah give him a break Mum - me and Sonny used to skive all the time".

"You what?"

"Nothing".

"So it is true, then", Myra grinned, walking closer to me. "I always knew you couldn't be serious about being a trendygander".

"For God's sake Auntie Myra!" Bart snapped. "Leave her alone. And how many bloody times it's transgender!"

Myra sighed. "Well if you two aren't planning on going to class today you can do some work around here instead".

"Aw do we have to? Look", Bart reasoned, "we'll just go up to my room - you won't even know we're here".

"You will not", Myra scolded. "I don't want any funny buisiness while I'm still in the house Bartholomew McQueen".

"Yeah because we've never had to witness you and Durk Savage about to get it on have we?" Michaela scoffed, turning to me. "It's gross. You seriously never want to be around to see it".

I laughed a little as Bart and I stood up, Myra beckoning us through to the kitchen.

"No, Bart", she told him. "I want to have a little word with Jasmine if that's okay".

Bart looked at me, asking me with his eyes if I was okay with it. I nodded, he gave my hand a small squeeze and walked back through to the lounge. In reality I was anything but okay - I was nervous as hell about Myra had to say - I knew she wasn't often keen about her family's love interests. I hoped she wasn't about to warn me off him - although it would make no difference to how Bart and I felt about each other, it was difficult enough with my family not particularly liking him. We didn't need it on both sides.

"I just wanted to say thank-you, Jasmine", she told me, smiling. "Bart never was the same after you left. Well - not left - you know what I mean". I nodded. This was a new, more serious side to Myra McQueen that I didn't think I'd ever seen before. "I hope you'll be very happy together. And just know that you're welcome any time. I always liked you far more than that Sinead anyway. Or Maddie. That girl's in need of cosmetic surgery, her head's so far up her-"

Having heard the entire conversation - Myra had been speaking a lot louder than she'd probably realised, Bart walked over and interrupted at that point. Sliding his arm around my waist, he turned to his aunt.

"We'll see you later auntie Myra", he told her. "Right now we're going upstairs".

Walking home, I practicly felt like skipping with happiness. Bart and I were better than ever. His family had been completly accepting. I wasn't even dreading college tomorrow. Yes, we'd been through hell. But finally, we'd gotten all we'd ever wanted. There was no way we were going to ruin that by letting ourselves be dragged down by sadness. We'd had such a great day - we hadn't done much at all, just hung out in his room watching movies, playing on his Xbox, laughing, chatting, a bit of kissing. It hadn't exactly been what most girls would describe as their dream date. But that was what made it seem so perfect to me. The fact that we could just do literally nothing and enjoy ourselves more than most couples would have at some fancy candelight dinner in a posh resteraunt. We were friends aswell, and no matter how hard going back to college would be, I knew that with him by my side, I could get through it.

Making my way up the stairs behind the bar, I couldn't wait to spill all to Mitzeee. Seth and Riley weren't exactly Bart's biggest fans, and didn't care about girly gushing even if they did like him. Mitzeee, however, was about as glam and girly as you could get and also incredibly nosy, which made her the perfect person to go to about anything Bart related.

As soon as I opened the front door I could tell something wasn't right. Mitzee, Seth and Riley were sat on the sofa in a frosty silence as I walked in, and it took a while for any-one to speak up.

"Come over here Jas, sweetheart", Mitzee said, attempting a smile, as she ushered me over.

"What's going on? Is this about me skipping college today? Because I'm sorry and it won't happen again but it really is only one day". I knew in my heart that the reason for their behaviour had nothing to do with me bunking off but something far worse, however I was desperate for them to agree with me - for Riley to stand up and yell about the importance of education. He didn't. They just stayed sat there, looking straight ahead as if in a daze.


	12. A Million Pieces

**Bart's P.O.V**

"Hey, Jas - wait up!" I called down the hallway of Hollyoaks Sixth form as I saw my gorgeous girlfriend making her way to class. She looked around, confused, until she saw me and smiled. God she had an amazing smile. _Get a grip, Bart_, I thought to myself. _All that slushy shit was alright when she first came back. It's been over a week now - what's your excuse? _

I was fully aweare that I was turning into a right cheesy bastard, since her return my thoughts had become even more Jasmine-filled than they had been before and all I could think about was how beautiful she was, how lucky I was to have her. I'd even found myself thinking about our future together as I drifted off to sleep. If I wasn't careful I was going to turn into Justin Bloody Bieber.

As soon as I reached her I wrapped my arms around her, taking in the sweet scent of her trademark floral perfume. In small doses, like perfume and the occasional bit of mascara, it was true that Jas had gotten more girly since her decision to stay as Jasmine, who she'd always been in my eyes, but not so much that it changed the girl I'd fallen in love with. And that just made me love her even more. She returned the hug then broke away from our embrace, I had to remember that she wasn't comfortable with PDA's - anything other than a hug or holding hands was off limits until we were alone - in some ways I'd gotten too used to being with Sinead.

"You're looking amazing today", I told her. "As always".

"Cheers", she smiled, blushing slightly. "Not looking too bad yourself".

She really did look great. She wasn't dressed that different to usual, in loose fitting demin blue jeans, a top and blue baseball-style jacket with minimal make-up. Yet she still managed to easily out-shine the numerous girls who probably spent at least an hour getting ready for college every day.

"What have you got first?" I asked her, taking her hand as we continued to walk through the corridor.

"Psycology", she replied, grimicing slighty. "It sounded so interesting when I chose it. I didn't realise we'd have a seating plan. In sixth form".

"Just ignore her", I told her, knowing exactly what she was referring to, or rather who - Maddie had been assigned the seat next to Jasmine, and I knew how much she dreaded the lesson because of this. "She's not worth even thinking about".

"I know. But it's easier said than done".

"Listen, right - no-one gives a damn what Maddie Morrison thinks anymore", I comforted her.

It was true. In a weird way, framing Jasmine with the pills had worked in her favour - those who had origionally had a strong hatred towards her due to the Sinead incident now instead felt sorry for her, and the only people who hadn't turned their backs on Maddie were George and Tilly. I loved Jas, and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, but it was nice in a way that she could no longer spend every spare moment with me - that she made plans with other people than just me and her twin brother. She was finally comfortable in her body, she had me, she had Seth - as much as he could be annoying with his protective brother act at times did really care for his twin - she had a few good friends - I didn't think I'd ever seen her happier.

"You're right", she agreed. "I shouldn't let her get to me. I've got so much more I can be happy about instead".

"Oh yeah? Like what?" I knew I was being a tease but she had no idea how much it meant when she talked about me like that, whenever she said those three little words.

"Well I think I saw some fit guys checking me out earlier, so I might have a chance with them", she smiled, knowing exactly what I was playing at. "So that's something to be happy about".

"Hilarious", I laughed. If any other girl had said that to me I probably would have been at least a little pissed off but there was something about Jas that made everything she said automaticly adorable.

"This is my class", she told me, slowing down to a stop outside a classroom door, removing her hand from mine.

"I'll see you later then".

"Yeah".

I gave her one last smile before walking away.

"Bart wait".

"Huh?"

I turned back around to face her as she wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

"See you later", she smiled. "Love you".

Pulling away, her cheeks tinted ever so slightly with a rosy pink as she did so, probably at the thought of the affection she'd just shown in public, she headed towards the classroom door.

"Love you too", I announced, loudly. I didn't care who heard it - to be honest I wanted people to hear it - to hear that Sinead was nothing but a vague memory while Jasmine was the present aswell as the past, and almost certainly the future also.

She turned back to give me a quick smile and wave as she opened the door and walked through. For the next hour she'd have to endure Maddie's pathetic attempts at apologies and people asking stupid questions - she didn't really have any friends in that class, but she was putting on a brave face and getting on with it. I was so proud of her.

"Bart, man", Jono exclaimed, thudding my back. "Long time no see".

"We talked yesterday", I replied, confused.

"Yeah, me you and Jasmine. It's been ages since we hung out, just me and you. You finally managed to pull yourself away from each other I see".

"We're in different classes", I explained. "Look mate I'm sorry I've been a bit A-WOL lately - we'll hang out soon yeah?" I added, feeling a slight pang of guilt at how I'd been neglecting my best mate recently.

"Alright", he grinned. "Neil was going to come round mine tonight for an Xbox tournament if you want to join".

"Mate, come on", I laughed. "Me against either of you - you can hardly call that a tournament. It's just a chance for me to kick your ass".

"Your a twat man", Jono informed me. "But it's good to have you back".

I laughed and made my way to my first class, History. I didn't mind the subject that much, however sitting next to Seth could prove troublesome at times. As just the two of us, we got on fairly okay, in Greece in particular we'd gotten along really well, but with Jas back he was firmly in Jasmine's-brother routine. I couldn't say I really blamed him - he must have seen her in tears over our relationship more than once over the years.

"Alright?" I asked him sitting down.

"Alright", he replied. "You seen Jas this morning?"

"Yeah. She is my girlfriend". I liked to fit that last word into conversation whenever possible.

"So you know about this weekend then?"

Suddenly I found myself paying a lot more attention to Seth Costello.

"No", I replied, slightly suspiciously. "What's happening?"

"We've got the pub to ourselves", he told me. "Riley's away at football training and Mitzeee's got a modelling job somewhere. We were planning on having a party or something".

"Sounds good", I replied, my mind quickly filling with thoughts. Why hadn't Jas thought to mention everyone going away? Would having the adults out of the house for two nights mean we might get the chance to take our relationship to the next level? Was Jasmine not mentioning it to me a sign that she was most definatly not ready?

I was distracted from my thoughts by the ammount of gasps coming from the entire female population of the class. Looking up, I saw what they'd been suprised at. Sinead O'Connor was walking slowly into the classroom, her face pale and limping slightly, clutching at her crutches tightly for support. She looked terrible. I didn't mean that in a harsh way - she was still as pretty as she always had been, but she seemed so fragile, like just one touch could knock her to the ground.

Instinctivly, I stood up, ready to go and help her. Seth shot me a warning look. Idiot. Wanting to help Sinead didn't mean I had any feelings for her in that way - it simply meant I felt sorry for any-one in a situation like that. Especially if the reason for their current state was entirely down to me.

"Sinead - are you alright?" I walked to the front of the class to meet her.

"What does it look like?" She snapped. "Are you happy now eh?"

She slowly made her way to her seat at the back of the class.

"Sinead please", I pleaded. "I never meant for anything like this to happen".

"Why?" She challeneged. "Because you love me?" She only waited a split second for a response. "Thought not", she shot at me, sitting down. I sighed.

"Look can we talk?" I hated how I'd acted towards her the night of the accident - how I'd told her I'd never been in love with her, that she'd been nothing but a meaningless rebound. In a way it had been true - no matter how hard I tried - and believe me, I had - I could never love her or any-one else the way I love Jasmine. But a part of me had had feelings for her, even if I'd be lying if I said the magority of them were nothing but love for a friend that I'd just about managed to convince myself had been something more. Still, no-one deserved what I'd put her though. Sinead had given me her heart and soul and I'd discarded it like trash before stomping all over it and smashing it into a million pieces.

"We have been talking. Now the conversation's over. Bye Bart".

She turned away from me, the other girls at the table giving me looks of death. I stayed stood there for a moment longer before finally deciding that my being there was doing more harm than good and returned to my seat by Seth.

The teacher came in shortly after. I couldn't concentrate on one word of the lesson. The whole hour through I kept stealing glances at Sinead - every time she caught me looking she turned away, clearly hurt. I couldn't stop thinking about how terrible a person I was to have broken her down like that, so that she was hurting not just internally but physically, too. And worst of all, I hated myself for the knowledge that, despite what I'd put her through, as it meant getting Jasmine back, if I was to go back in time I'd do it all again.

Jasmine herself was doing her best to stay well away from Sinead. She'd already informed me of how well her visit to Sinead's had gone, and she didn't seem in a rush to conflict with her again. She'd had been waiting outside my class for me at the end of the lesson, but as soon as she'd seen Sinead emerging from inside, had quickly made her way out to the courtyard.

"She's been through enough", she explained to me as we sat opposite ends of the picnik bench outside the college, holding hands over the table. "I know how hard first days back can be - every-one gossiping about you. I don't want to make it any worse for her than it has to be".

"You're beautiful, you know", I told her, thinking aloud. "Inside aswell as out".

"Well I don't know about the out", she admitted, laughing slightly. "But thank-you".

That was one of the many, many things I loved about Jasmine. She was such an incredible person in so many ways, yet she was completly unaweare of it.

"Your welcome", I told her. "Anyway - why didn't you tell me about this weekend? Riley and Mitzeee going away?"

"Oh yeah", she remembered. "Riley's training and Mitzeee's going away with Nancy for the weekend".

"Nancy?" I asked, confused. "Seth said it was modelling".

"Well yeah, Nancy's going with her". She shot back the answer quickly as though she had no time to spare. I thought about questioning her sudden act of defensiveness, as it was unlike her, but decided that given the events of last week it would not be a good idea to doubt Jasmine's words again.

"So", I grinned.

"So?"

"So we've got the place to ourselves".

"Seth's going to be there. But you can come round too - it'll be fun".

"What, with your brother tagging along? Yeah, it sounds it".

"He's hardly tagging along Bart", she scolded. "It's his house too".

"Well can't he just sleep at Jono's for one night?"

"Bart I'm not kicking him out of his own home".

I was starting to get slightly irritated now. Even if she didn't want to go all the way, didn't she still like the idea of a night to ourselves? And _kicking him out_? Really? It was one fucking night! She seemed to sense my frustration.

"I'll ask if he's making any plans", she relented, smiling and taking one hand away from mine to reach for her phone, presumably to text Seth.

"Oh look at love's young dream". A voice I recognised as Maddie's smirked behind me. I turned around to see her watching us, her arm linked around Sinead's, who smiled slightly at her comment. "What's up, Jasmine not wanting you around for the night? Well, who can blame her?" She came closer to us, looking directly at Jasmine. "Why would she want to go anywhere near your parts? She's only just stopped wanting some of her own".

I glanced quickly over at Jas, she looked about to burst into tears, as if she no longer had the strength for anger.

"You want to be careful what you're saying Maddie", I warned. She simply gave me her trademark smile and continued walking, still arm-in-arm with Sinead. I was relieved - not only because she was leaving Jasmine alone but also because she wasn't the only one tired of the constant fights.

"So much for being sorry then", Jas sighed.

"Yeah". I paused, desperatly thawing my brain for something helpful to say. "It's just Maddie", I came up with eventually. "And she's just jealous because you've got everything she'll never have".

"Oh yeah, like what?"

I hadn't really thought my statement through at the time of speaking - it had just seemed like a sensitive thing to say.

"Well, you're stunning, funny and kind too - something that seems to be a bit of a foreign concept to her", I replied, hoping it was a decent enough answer. Luckily it seemed to please her.

"Seth's texted me back", she announced. "He's making the most of a night with no curfew and going into town with Neil, trying to sneak into the clubs".

"Oh, cool", I replied, trying hard not to smile at the idea of Seth and Neil trying their luck with the bouncers. There was no way they were getting in.

"I'm glad you find my brother so amusing", she laughed.

"I don't".

"Uh-huh". She nodded sarcasticly, her eyebrows raised. "Anyway, so we should get going to class".

"Feel like skipping it?"

"Bart".

She got up and stood in front of me, holding out her hand.

"Fine", I smiled, taking her hand and heading into the main building with her.

**Seth's P.O.V**

Jasmine was by the enterence to the college, walking hand in hand with Bart, who looked very happy with himself, presumably Jas had allowed him to stay the night at the weekend. I'd recieved a text from her pleading with me to do something out of the house, which I'd agreed to on the condition that there was money supplied. I couldn't help be a little worried as I watched them - my sister had been to hell and back, and judging by the fact that she hadn't been the first to inform Bart of our vacant house this weekend she wasn't entirely sure about sleeping with Bart. I just really hoped he got the message - the last thing she needed right now was some asshole putting pressure on her.

"You don't have to watch her 24/7, you know", Tilly told me, arriving at my side.

"I don't", I replied truthfully. "I'm just a bit worried about her at the moment".

It was true. It wasn't just the possible events of the weekend ahead on my mind - it was the cover Jas had given Bart as to why Riley and Mitzeee both needed to be away at the same time. We hadn't actually discussed our cover yet, only that one was needed. I just prayed that Bart hadn't questioned it, or brang into conversation the story I'd spun. Judging by how happy they both looked, I was optimistic that this was the case.

"Well keeping tabs on her isn't going to help any-one", Tilly stated. "Me and Jono were going to skip last period, feel like coming to the coffee shop with us? You could use a break - it's just a guess but all the family drama must be pretty stressful".

"What drama?" I asked, instantly on edge.

"Well you know, everything that's happened with Jasmine these last couple of weeks", she replied.

"Oh, yeah", I smiled, sighing with relief. "Coffee sounds good".

"This village isn't half weird", Jono laughed as we walked to Tony's cafe.

"A bit of an understatement there Jono", Tilly smiled.

"No but I'm serious", Jono replied. "That's like the tenth one of those things I've seen left lying around today".

I followed the direction his finger was pointing in, to a single chess piece standing on the ground.

"Weird", Tilly agreed.


	13. The Only One

**A/N **Sorry for not replying to inbox messages for ages, my fanfiction inbox is screwed up and I cant message on it atm, I've been getting them though.

**Jasmine's P.O.V**

Every morning, on December the 13th, I'd be woken in the early hours by the clatter of Mum's heels on the stairs as she brought the decorations down from the attic into the living room. She always did it on this day, exactly twelve days before Christmas - she always was hugely organized like that. While Dad, Seth, Riley, Jem and I were sleeping, she'd turn the house into a winter wonderland. It was always to impeccable taste, but still seemed fun and friendly too. We'd have around four Christmas trees in total, two in the lounge and another pair in the kitchen, silver and blue tinsel and ball-ball's entwined around them, joined by the sparkling fairy lights.

I was the only one who ever seemed to be awoken by the decorating - every-one else always slept straight through it. I'd wait until I was certain Mum was downstairs before sneaking out to the hallway, sitting on the bottom of the stairs and looking into the lounge as she transformed the house.

"Jasmine", she'd tut when she inevitably caught me, "you should get back to bed". She'd never tell me off for more than a few moments before inviting me in to help with the decorations. I loved it - just me and Mum, creating Christmas for the family - no questions as to when I was going to start showing an interest in clothes and make-up, or lectures about boys - just myself and her. For me, the morning of December the 13th was more magical than that of the 25th.

I found memories of years past spinning through my head as I tossed and turned in bed, desperately trying to regain my slumber. It was the same every year - I no longer needed the sound of my mother's shoes on the staircase of our London home or, in my last year of living with her, our Hollyoaks home - to wake me on this particular morning - I did so automatically.

In California I'd spent the morning, as Jason, crying silently into my pillow. This year however, as soon as I'd woken I'd been aware of a clatter on the stairs. In my tired delusion, I'd rushed to the bannister, squealing of elation at the prospect of coming face to face with my mother again. Of everything being okay once more - back to normal. I didn't know why I was so shocked at being greeted by silence and darkness, but I had been - for minutes I'd stood there, frozen to the spot as I contemplated what I'd expected to find. _Who _I'd expected to find. Her shiny, bouncy golden-blonde hair, scraping her shoulders. Her dazzling smile that may well have cost her a fortune but was worth every penny. Her annoying tendency to wear clothes aimed at a much younger age range than her own. How warm and comforting her hugs could be, whether you were suffering from a broken finger or a broken heart. How she'd never really stopped mourning for Jasmine, yet tried her very best to be welcoming to Jason. How she'd never know her dreams of her daughter returning had become reality.

Now, back in my bed, I couldn't seem to do anything. I could tell from the frost mounting up on my windowsill that it must have been cold in the room, however I felt nothing. I couldn't seem to sleep as every time I shut my eyes I saw him - Silas - yet keeping my eyes open at this level of tiredness made me feel as if my eyelids were being set alight. I most certainly couldn't form tears, no matter how much I wanted to cry and scream. There seemed to be some kind of emotional block on my body.

There was a thud on the stairs. At first I assumed it was my delusion again, however my mother's steps had always been more delicate and that was how I would remember them, even in subconsiousness. I found myself walking to my bedroom door, for some reason curious as to who it was. As I opened the door, reaching for my dressing gown simultaneously, I saw my twin brother sat on the stairs, about three down, staring at the ground.

"Seth?"

He looked up, startled.

"Holy shit Jas you freaked me the hell out".

"I'm not the one sitting on the stairs by themselves at three in the morning", I replied, sitting down beside him. "You okay?"

"Just ... thinking", he replied eventually.

"Finally found some brain cells then?"

"More than you - you're dating Bart McQueen".

"Enough with the Bart jokes alright - what's up with you?"

"It's stupid".

"I've lived with you for the majority of my life. I'm used to stupid".

He nudged me gently, laughing slightly.

"Mum always used to decorate today", he whispered finally.

"I know", I whispered back.

"You always used to help her", he sighed. "Sneak down and do the decorations together".

"How do you know that?" I asked, confused - I was pretty sure that was a story I'd never told him.

"I used to watch", he told me. "As a kid, I mean. Until I was about eight or so. It seemed to magic".

"Yeah", I agreed. "It did".

"She liked everything to be perfect", he continued, still seemingly staring into space. "It didn't matter what was going on in her life - whether Granddad was ill again", he grimaced slightly as he spoke the last part of the sentence, "or Dad was having another affair - she always liked to keep up appearances. Make sure we still had the perfect Christmas, for our sakes. She'd hate to see the flat this year".

I laughed slightly. What had once been the perfect portrayal of a front cover of _Vogue Home_, if there was such a thing, now looked more suitable to be featured in an advertisment for _Grimebusters_. Mitzeee did her best but there was only so much she could do when she was living alongside two guys, a baby, and a girl that was messier than all of the above three put together. The sofa's and tables were constantly covered by a sea of take-outs and empty beer cans while the floor was littered with everything we had yet to put away.

"Should we, you know - decorate the place a bit?" I offered. Seth thought for a moment before turning towards me and nodding.

"I'll get the ladder", he smiled.

Two hours later, I was certain the flat looked far worse than it had done before. Seth and I had both failed miserably at correctly putting together the tree and so had followed his at the time seemingly genius idea of using one of the large plants in Riley's room. Admittedly, decorated in ball-ball's and tinsel it didn't look too bad, and I was sure that later in the morning Mitzeee would be able to fix the actual tree for us. However the amount of pins scattered on the ground, having missed the celling in our attempts to hang up dangly decorations, was sure to be a safety hazard, especially considering our small baby nephew was due to visit today. The star at the top of the plant - tree – whatever you wanted to call it – had fallen off multiple times, twice of them being into Seth's eye, which was now constantly covered by his hand to the sound of his groaning. As I put wrapped out last piece of tinsel over the mantelpiece, knocking over five photographs in the process, I stepped back to admire our work.

"Mum would hate this", I observed. "What she used to do fitted the family perfectly".

"The family's not the same anymore though, is it?" Seth queried, standing beside me, still covering his eye. He was right. We were far from the seemingly perfect D-list family, with the WAG Mum, the premiership footballer Dad, blonde twins with a brother looking promising to follow in his father's footsteps, constantly in and out of minor articles in celebrity gossip magazines. We were misfits – the family who included personalities so varying, but who somehow managed to stick together, no matter what life threw at us, and eventually always come out the other side. We'd been to hell and back on multiple occasions – we were now living without any adult supervision – Riley may have been a father but he was still lacking maturity levels in many ways, Mitzeee was hardly the most responsible either – but we managed.

I looked around the room once more – at the overly decorated plant, wobbling under the weight of the amount of unnessicary decorations, the photographs scattered around the floor, the fairy lights that refused to go properly around the plant so had instead been draped across the window.

"You're right", I agreed. "And this does fit us perfectly. Now".

He nodded.

"They will catch him, won't they, Seth?" I asked, desperate, although I knew there was no way my brother could possibly know the answer to my question.

"Of course they will", he told me. "They have to. They'll catch the bastard and he can rot in jail".

"With higher security this time", I added, in a failed attempt to lighten the mood. Seeing through my act, Seth pulled me into an embrace – something we didn't do often.

"I know you miss her, Jas", he told me, his voice quiet. "I know you wish you could turn back time and stop her going out that night. I do too. But we can't. She's not here anymore and we need to stop conning ourselves that she is. I mean both of us waking up this morning – seriously?"

"We need to try and move on", I agreed. "Things changed".

"They defiantly did", he smiled, looking around the room himself. "Mum would freak out if she saw this".

We both erupted into fits of laughter then, giggling non-stop for what must have been at least ten minutes, even though to an outsider it probably wouldn't have been a funny situation in the slightest.

"Oi", Mitzeee laughed as she and Riley walked into the room. "You two. What's so funny you had to wake us both up at five AM?"

She stopped speaking as she looked around the room.

"Holy crap", Riley laughed. "What the hell have you done with the place?"

"Well, it looks … unique", Mitzeee reasoned, evidently trying incredibly hard not to join Riley in his laughter.

"It looks dysfunctional as hell", Riley smirked. "But pretty damn awesome too".

"So", Mitzeee smiled. "Who's up for breakfast?"

As we all sat around the breakfast table, at five in the morning on a freezing December day, near our – as Mitzeee had put it, unique – decorations, I didn't think I'd ever been more proud to be a part of the Costello's.

"So when are they leaving?" Bart asked me as we walked to the coffee shop hand-in-hand.

"Around six I think", I replied. "But I'll text you when they're gone to make sure".

"Okay babe", Bart smiled giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. "Seth's going out tonight then?"

I shook my head.

"Tomorrow", I told him. "Tonight's the party".

"Who's getting the drinks?" Anita, who seemed to be sticking around at the McQueen's for a while, asked me.

"Well that's the thing", I told them. "Riley's left Jack Osborne in charge and you know what he's like, he'll check the tills every five minutes. So if everyone could just bring a little bit that would be great".

"Shouldn't be a problem getting any from my place", Bart laughed.

I laughed with him in agreement.

"So where are they going again?" Anita asked. I knew she was only trying to make conversation but the questions were starting to bug me. Especially in this particular subject.

"Riley's at football training", I told her, repeating the same lie I'd told most of the village. "And Mitzeee's…" I struggled to remember my cover for her. "She's going away with Nancy to work on her book".

"Oh right", Anita replied. "Cool".

"Jas", Bart looked concerned. "Can I talk to you?"

"What is it?" I asked once we'd walked out of earshot from Anita or any other passers-by, to a stretch of grass not far from the folley.

"This weekend".

Oh God. He was going to ask about sex.

"With Riley and Mitzeee going away", he continued. Jesus Christ. I'd known I had to face this conversation some time but I'd been hoping to postpone it for as long as physically possible. "You use a different excuse every time some-one asks you".

Shit. That had not been the direction I'd been expecting him to go down. I'd actually rather he wanted to have sex.

"Your excuses aren't much different. But I can tell. Look, Jas", he took hold of both my hands and looked me in the eyes. "If there's something going on – you know you can tell me anything, don't you?"

Looking back into his eyes, the way he was looking at me, I knew there was no way I could lie to him anymore. Not to Bart. I'd know I was in love with him for approximately two years, however it was only now that it struck me for the first time that I wasn't just in love with him – that he was the love of my life. The One. No way in hell was I keeping something this big from him.

"It's my granddad", I sighed, after a long pause. "Silas", I added, correcting myself quickly.

"What about him?" Bart took one hand away from mine to wrap it around my shoulder, holding me close, his voice full of concern.

"He's escaped prison", I informed him. "God knows how. Riley and Mitzeee are flying over to France to help the police look for him – they're pretty sure that's where he's gone".

"Wow".

He didn't say anything else for a moment – just held me tighter, kissing the top of my head gently, his free hand stroking my hair.

"I don't know what to say, Jas", he replied finally. "But I hope they catch the bastard and lock him in jail".

"Seth said pretty much the same thing".

"Riley and Mitzeee are brave", he said, thinking aloud. "Facing him again".

"They'd do anything to get him back where he belongs. Stop him coming back here".

"Back here? I know he's a psycho but he's not that mental is he?"

I smiled slightly at Bart's momentary lapse of sensitivity.

"Who knows with him", I shrugged, snuggling up closer to him. Somehow all my problems seemed smaller when I could feel the warmth of his body around me.

"You know what I think?" He asked me. "I think you need to take your mind off all of this. You've had more than enough to worry about recently, you don't need anything else to add to it".

"I can't just pretend this isn't happening Bart".

"I'm not asking you to. But just one night, for the party. You deserve to have a good time".

"You're the best", I told him, looking up.

"So I've been told", he replied, grinning.

"You're a total twat sometimes you know", I laughed.

"Oh yeah? How are you going to shut me up then?" He grinned again, leaning in. "Because I've got a few ideas".

Three hours later and the party was in full swing. The music was so loud the floor was vibrating slightly, the alcohol was flowing like tap water and there was a mass of people everywhere you looked. I'd surprised myself by having had a great time so far, chatting laughing and dancing with everyone, even some people I'd hardly spoken to before that night. I assumed it was the alcohol's effect on me because I didn't normally speak to people I wasn't friends with, not after the events of the past two years. Bart had divided his time between myself and Jono and seemed to be having an amazing time also, and even Seth had pulled.

"Hey gorgeous". I turned around to the sound of Bart's voice behind me, wrapping my arms around his neck as he placed his own on my waist.

"You'd better have known it was me", I lectured him, laughing.

"Well I did think you were Maddie but I guess you'll do", he replied. I nudged him, laughing, as we leaned in.

"God get a room", Jono laughed, interrupting our kissing session.

"Shall we?" Bart teased, looking down at me. Although he was saying it jokingly, I knew a part of him was asking in all seriousness.

"I'm fine here", I replied. "Do you want another drink?"

"Yeah sure", Bart smiled, clearly trying to hide his disappointment. "I'll get them. Beer?"

I nodded as he walked to the kitchen table where the drinks were laid out. Watching him go, I felt a rush of something I hadn't felt before surge over me. I wasn't sure if it was strong love or lust but all I knew was that I was certain of exactly what I wanted - Bart was stood getting me a drink, happy to wait and not pressure me, to stand by me through anything. I'd never been more certain of anything in my life.

"Bart", I whispered, wrapping my arms around him from behind.

"Jasmine?" He turned around to face me.

"Let's go upstairs".

I took his hand and started to lead him away.

"I thought you wanted a drink?" He looked confused.

"No, Bart – I mean _let's go upstairs_".

"Huh? Jas I can't hear you that well over the music!"

Great. My rush of confidence was vastly decreasing – saying stuff like this was hard for me, being forward with Bart wasn't one my my talents. I walked closer to him, looking him right in the eyes.

"Bart", I whispered, making sure I was close enough to be heard. "I'm ready". I smiled up at him as his eyes glazed over slightly.

"Like..?"

I nodded. He grinned, looking slightly concerned also.

"Are you sure though? If it's because of what I said earlier, with Jono – it was stupid and-"

"It's not because of that. Just, please Bart", I willed him. "You either want to or you don't. But don't just ignore the question. I feel stupid enough as it is".

"This is really what you want?"

"Yes", I nodded.

"Well come on, then", he grinned, taking my hand and leading me upstairs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Seth rolling his eyes as he saw Bart and I heading for the stairs, but I didn't even care. He could disapprove all he wanted. Any-one could. All that mattered to me was that I was in love with Bart and he with me – why shouldn't we do what most couples did without that?

"I love you, Bart", I told him as I sat on the bed, him leaning down and kissing my neck.

"I love you too", he replied, looking up to look me right in the eyes again. I loved the way he was looking at me. "You're the love of my life, Jasmine. The only one I want. You always have been and you always will be. Don't forget that alright?"

"You're the love of my life too", I told him honestly. He smiled, the warmest, most genuine smile I'd seen him give, before starting to slowly peel away my clothes.


	14. Hunt For A Murderer

**Riley's P.O.V**

"I can't believe you wore heels to a hunt for a murderer", I laughed as I watched my cousin stumbling and cursing as she struggled to walk through the woods at the back of one of Silas's many properties in France.

"Yeah well, I thought we were going to be sitting around in a room all day answering questions about where he might be", she told me irritatedly, holding her arms out to steady herself. "Not walking through mud".

"Anything to find him", I reminded her.

"Well why are we looking for him in a wood? Where do they think he's hiding - up a tree?"

"It's a possibility".

"Nah". She shook her head, then quickly reached up her hands to check her hair was still in place. "No-one in their right mind would hide in this scabby place. Mud, insects - I vowed never to step foot in a place like this until I'm asked onto _I'm A Celebrity_".

I decided to ignore her tactless comments - I knew for a fact those weren't her true thoughts. She was doing what she always did - trying her best to stay calm and keep the situation under control, make light of it to stop others worrying. Mitzeee may come across as superficial and self-obsessed but I knew more than most others that in reality, she was one of the most geniune, caring people you could meet.

"Come on", I urged. "We need to keep up".

Looking ahead and seeing how far away we were becoming from the police, she nodded and started to walk faster, as best as she could anyway.

"Look, are you alright?" I asked her, putting an arm on her sholder as I saw the panicked expression she was trying desperatly to hide.

"I'm fine Riley", she smiled. I wasn't convinced. "It's just the woods...looking for a - it's all a bit too close to everything that happened with Warren to my liking, that's all".

I held her tightly, neither of us saying anything for a few moments. What was there to say? Mitzeee had been nearly killed in the woods last year trying to frame a killer once before, a killer that had once meant so much to her. And now here she was, doing it all again - searching for Silas, a man she'd trusted as a member of her family, prepared to yet again face the bastard that had killed her aunt and attempted to murder a selection of her friends. All for the love of her family.

"I won't let anything happen to you", I told her. "You're safe - I promise".

"Thanks Riley". She smiled up at me and for a split second I saw right through her - her guard was completly down and I saw the fear behind her eyes, how vunerable she was really feeling, past the facade she put up I saw the girl I'd grown up with. Moments later her guard was firmly back up, Anne dissapeared and Mitzeee was back, smiling and putting on a brave face. "But I don't need you looking after me - I'm a big girl", she reassured me. "Metaphoricly, of course. I'm a size eight".

I found myself smiling as she carried on tottering in her heels. She was so brave. And so beautiful, too. It was beyond me why she felt the need to plaster all that make-up on every day. Well, that was a lie. I knew perfectly well why she did it. Because it was just that - a plaster. Trying to smooth over the cracks and imperfections, not on her face but in her past - to get rid of any traces of Anne Minniver, try and convince others she was this self-absorbed model. To put up a thick wall between her and everyone else, not let her emotions get the better of her.

Looking down, I realised I'd taken her hand. It was slightly weird but I didn't particularly want to let go. After giving my hand a squeeze, Mitzeee pulled her's away.

"Come on", she urged. "We need to catch the police up. For our family".

I noticed she emphasised the words _our family_ - possibly to remind us both of our relation. I found myself contemplating that second cousins were legally allowed to date when we heard dozens of the police dogs barking loudly, and both immideatly ran in their direction to see what they'd discovered.

**Bart's P.O.V**

I could hardly comprehend where I was. Lying in bed next to my gorgeous girlfriend, Jasmine Costello, who was sleeping beside me silently, smiling through her dreams. Her silky blonde hair flowed out behind her, draping across the pilow on which my head was resting, the front sections framing her face perfectly. This time a month ago, this was something that I only ever got to experience in my dreams. When awake, I'd had to face what I'd thought was the harsh reality that I was never going to see Jasmine, or even Jason for that matter, again, and was stuck pretending that Sinead was The One.

However, here I was - here _we _were. She'd turned away from me to sleep but I'd snuggled up next to her, holding her loosely as she slept. We'd had sex, and with any other girl that would have been the reason for the grin on my face, but with Jasmine it wasn't the only one - sure, that was great and everything, but even without it I knew that lying here next to her, the prospect of falling asleep with her in my arms, was enough to complete my world.

The fact that we'd gone all the way had pleased me no end, though. There was no doubt whatsoever in my mind now that Jasmine was back, that all the shit we'd been through was over. She'd been more than happy with it happening, in fact she'd been the first one to suggest and encourage it - she was comfortable enough with her body and gender. The thought of that made me hold her slightly tighter, kissing the top of her head softly. It wasn't just that I was thrilled to have the girl of my dreams back once and for all, I also felt complete elation that she was no longer experiencing emotional torment every second of every day. Gone were the days of her hating her body, calling it disgusting, wanting to burst into tears each time her body reminded her of the girl she physically was when her mental state didn't match it, cutting herself, even throwing herself in front of a car ... a car I'd been driving.

The reminder of how close I'd been to losing her - not just to Jason but to death - and how far we'd come since then, almost brought me to tears. Almost. There may have been something about Jasmine Costello that made me go weak at the knees and turn into a total mushy idiot, but I was still Bart McQueen. The guy in the relationship. The only one. See you Jason Costello.

"You not asleep?" Jasmine asked me, rubbing her eyes and sitting up slightly in bed.

"Yeah, I'm sleeping with my eyes open. It's a new trend", I replied. She smiled and rolled her eyes.

"You can be a total idiot sometimes, you know". It was an insult she'd thrown my way more than once, but then again it had probably been deserved more than once.

"Ah yeah but you love me anyway".

"Luckily for you. I don't know if I'm mad or what".

"I'm mad".

"Well I knew that".

"For you".

"Oh my God you cheesy twat", she laughed, sitting upright now and thumping my arm playfully. "That is such a line".

"I made it up on the spot though", I told her. "I was pretty pleased with it to be honest".

She laughed again, I found myself laughing with her - I realised this probably meant I was now laughing at myself but I didn't care, I couldn't help but laugh when I was around Jas. I'd done more laughing these last few weeks since she'd been back than I had done the whole time she'd been away. More than my entire life until I met her that day in Evissa.

"It's three AM", she informed me, glancing at her alarm clock. "We should probably go back to sleep, but I'm not tired".

"Don't want to get up then?"

"What's the point? Like I said, it's 3AM. What's there to do?"

"Well I've got a few ideas", I grinned. "It doesn't really involve getting out of bed though".

She was laughing once more, though this time I didn't think she was laughing at me so much as with general happiness.

"You, Bart McQueen", she told me, "have a one track mind".

"Oi that's not true", I defended myself even though she probably had at least a slight point. "I think about loads of other stuff".

"Oh yeah?" She challenged. "Name three other things you've thought about this morning".

"A little about the past", I replied. "But mostly about the future". I paused, seeing her dissapointed expression. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing", she lied unconvincingly. "So what were you doing in your future then?"

From the way she said _your_, I knew instantly what was up. I'd never been able to read any other girl like this. With the exception of Auntie Myra, that was, if you could class her as a girl - the only thing constantly on her mind was the contents of the fridge.

"I was thinking about our future", I told her. "You and me. Not about me getting out of this place, getting on with my life and leaving you. That's what you were thinking, isn't it?" I put a hand on her arm.

"Maybe", she admitted. "I mean we have only been back together for a few weeks. I'd understand if you weren't that serious about us. I just thought after what you said last night - but then you could've just been saying that to-"

I knew where she was going with this.

"I told you that you're the love of my life, Jasmine Costello", I said, turning her head to face me and looking directly at her. "Because it's true. Because it's you, only you, it always has been and it always will be". I cringed slightly inside as I rememembered the familiar words I'd said to her as Jason, in the cellar. I'd meant them with all my heart, as much as I did now, but I hadn't acted on them at the time - just strung her along, playing the same old games. It had been like her heart had been a puppet and I'd been holding the strings, controlling it's every move, until I dropped it and it crashed to the ground, smashing beyond recognition and leaving her to rebuild it by herself. Hoping she hadn't had the same thoughts as me, I continued with what I'd been saying. "Not because I wanted to get you into bed. I'd never use you like that. I mean it Jas, I want you in my life. For ever".

She smiled widely then, for quite a while before saying anything.

"You know I feel exactly the same about you right?" She said eventually. "So", she continued. "What was going on in this future of our's you were thinking about?"

"Well, we were about sixty five and living in a bus shelter with our twenty-five cats, affectionatly combing the lice out of each other's hair", I joked. Soon enough my head was greeted by a pillow being thrown at it.

**Mitzeee's P.O.V**

Anne Minniver. That was the name my passport to the place displayed, the name the police spoke to me by. Anne. I wasn't sure I even knew who that person was anymore. As far as I was concerned, she may aswell have been dead.

Mitzeee - 3 e's, as I loved to point out to every-one - didn't even need a surname. She was tough, strong, glamarous, without a care in the world. There was only one slight flaw in her otherwise perfect life, though, and that was her lack of existance. She was fictional, a character formed by my imagination. She was everything I'd ever wanted to be. When I was being her, playing the part, I was safe. Nobody could hurt me.

When I wasn't, however - at times like these, when I was stripped bare - emotionally naked for every-one to see, I didn't know who I was. I wasn't Mitzeee. She didn't exist - not really. I hadn't been Anne in so long that she seemed just as make believe. It was only Riley that seemed to see straight through me, deep down, to whoever the hell I was. And that scared the hell out of me.

Riley, Seth and Jasmine - those three meant the world to me. With or without the village slapper on Riley's arm, Seth in a good mood or dragging up the past and flying insults in my direction, Jasmine wanting to be either a girl or a boy - they were my family and nothing they did could ever break my love for them. Mitzeee may not really exist but her friends and family were real, and so were my feelings towards them.

It had always been the four of us when we were younger, at family gatherings. It would be Jasmine and I against the guys, or her with Seth and myself with Riley. I'd noticed even back then that Jas always seemed puzzled as to why she couldn't be on the guys' team. I'd mistaken it for her disliking me, but it hadn't been - she just didn't see why she was so different from her brothers. It always worked best with the twins against me and Riley.

Riley and I had so much fun playing tricks on them. We could talk to each other about anything, play a game and espcape the hectic family dramas into a perfect fantasy world where nothing mattered. I'd never really grown out of that one.

Then Heidi and my mum fell out - didn't speak for years. In the years we didn't see each other, Riley became a sucessful footballer - even at a young age, Jasmine was frequently in minor articles of the gossip magazines I was so fond of, Seth sometimes pictured with her. The captions were often comparing her fashion choices to that of Heidi's. I wanted to strangle the journalists who had written the cruel words. For daring to speak badly about one of my cousins, and for leaving the other out of the spotlight. Riley was the only one the papers appreciated. I was so proud of him.

The whole time I'd been away from my extended family I'd still kept up with the going-on's of their lives as best as I could, but when I found the courage to turn up and see them - now as Mitzeee supposed to Anne, the family had been far from welcoming. I'd been greeted by Jasmine's graffiti _Mitzeee is fat_. Still, I'd stuck up for her, lied to her parents that she'd been with me and not Bart. Then it came to the fashion show. By then I'd had enough - enough of all the digs at my mum, of all the snide comments at my clothes and attitude, of how little any of them appreciated me. So I did something I still regretted to this day - informed Heidi of her husband and I's one-night affair, in front of the entire population of the small Chester suburb.

Somehow, however, the family had found it in them to forgive me - Carl still held a strong disliking to me to this day but Riley, Heidi and the twins forgave me and moved on. After Heidi's death, the three of them carried on sticking by me through anything. Riley welcomed me back to The Dog when I split from Warren, but didn't judge me like many others did when I went back to him. After the ordeal I really didn't want to allow myself to think about with Warren, near Louise's body in the woods where he'd nearly killed me, Riley and Seth had helped me through it. I realised that in every list I'd made in my head during my thoughts, Riley was always the first one I'd named.

He'd been my rock through so much, I owed him more than you could imagine and my love for him was strong. But it had only been in brief moments that I'd wondered if my love for him was more than just a family bond. At his stag do a year previously, for example. And yesterday, out in the woods.

I shook my head, cursing myself for being so stupid - thinking about Riley like that. _He's your cousin for Christ's sakes. Get a grip Mitzeee._

"Morning Mitz", Riley smiled as he opened the door to my hotel room.

"Oi you", I laughed. "I could've been getting changed".

"What - in the living room?"

"Okay fair enough", I smiled. Riley and I were both staying in our own suites - there were some perks to being a part of a semi-famous family. "So, what fun activities are planned for us today? Talking them through the past again like we're in a bloody councelling session, maybe go out and search for him again trying not to get killed?"

"You'll have to wait and find out", he laughed.

"When do we have to be there?"

"Twenty minutes ago", he told me looking at his watch.

"Ah well, every celeb knows it's good to be fashionably late".

"Yeah I don't think that counts with the police. Anyway don't you have to actually achieve celebrity status for that rule to count?"

"Oi you", I scolded. "My modelling careers coming along wonders. I'm only moments away from getting a little blue tick on my twitter account".

"Come on", he grinned, laughing and rolling his eyes, "Let's go".

"Okay, one sec - I just need to touch up my lippy".

I walked over to the mirror and picked up my newest pink Chanel lipstick. Cost a fortune and wasn't any better than some of the cheaper brands but you can't buy class.

"Thanks for this Mitzeee", Riley said, his voice sincere. "For coming here. I couldn't have done this on my own".

"Well it's a good job you don't have to, then. Because I'm not going anywhere", I told him firmly, turning away from the mirror.

"And thanks for everything else, too. You know, since ... Mum".

"I'm family, aren't I? That's what I'm here for".

"Family", he repeated, nodding, as we looked at each other. God he didn't half have gorgeous eyes. And the way they were looking at me - _Pull yourself together Mitzeee! _

"Best get going then", I urged. "Can't keep the fans waiting too long".

We both laughed as we headed out the door. It wasn't until we reached the end of the corridor that I realised we were hand in hand.


	15. Happy New Year To You Too

**A/N Sorry for the really slow update, Christmas and revision and then I was ill and yeah this is a really late update :L So it's a bit late for a christmas themed chapter now so I've gone for New Year instead x**

**Jasmine's P.O.V**

It was fair to say Christmas hadn't gone as I'd expected. I'd hoped my first Christmas back at home, back as Jasmine - would have been a happy occasion surrounded by family, friends and hopefully Bart too, forgetting all the drama of the past and just having fun.

Instead, Riley and Mitzeee had been "held up" in France whatever that meant, Auntie Trish was away on some singles holiday, Bart was celebrating Christmas at his cousin's house in Dublin with the rest of the McQueen's and Dad was staying out in America. Seth and I had spent the holidays lounged on the sofa with beer cans and cheesy Christmas films Mum always used to make us watch.

"What's for breakfast?" My twin brother asked me sleepily as he made his way into the living room looking like hell.

"Whatever you feel like making", I replied from the sofa.

I got a few grunts as a reply as he collapsed onto the sofa next to me, conveniently only hungry when others were available to make the food.

"Good morning to you too", I laughed.

"Yeah", he mumbled.

"Well some-one's in a good mood", I smiled. Nothing was going to ruin my sunny mood this morning – Bart was due home today and I couldn't wait to spend New Year's with him.

"You heard anything from Riley or Mitzeee today?" Seth asked, ignoring my dig.

"Not yet", I replied. "But it is only ten. They're probably both still asleep".

"I'd rather they were on a plane. It's bad enough they've missed Christmas without New Year too".

"Yeah – it was weird without them", I agreed.

"You managed last year", he snapped. "When you buggered off and left us all to go and live with him". He said the word him with a venomous tone in his voice, the hatred for our father evident.

"Seth". I couldn't think of a response other than his name. His words had cut like knives. "That's not fair".

"Isn't it?"

"I came back didn't I?"

He didn't say anything for a few moments, then got up and walked through to the kitchen. I was just about to follow him and give him a few home truths when there was a knock on the door, interrupting what otherwise could well have been the start of world war three.

"Hey", Bart smiled as I answered the door. God his smile. Until I saw him right in front of me again, I hadn't realised just how much I'd missed him. "Well can I come in", he laughed, "or are you just going to stare at me until 2013?"

I shook my head, laughing, as I moved to the side to let him in.

"Good Christmas?" He asked.

"Nah not really, hoping for a better New Year's though", I replied.

"Why what happened? Did it all kick off?"

"There weren't enough people here for it _to_ kick off. Riley and Mitzeee are still in France".

"You serious? How come?"

"They just said they got held up", I shrugged.

"Yeah but over Christmas?"

"Like I said, they got held up", I repeated quickly, eager to change the subject. "What about yours?"

"It was good", he replied. "Eventful".

"Christmas with the McQueen's? I wouldn't expect anything less", I teased.

"Oi watch what you're saying", he laughed. "Anyway, I forgot to give you your present before I left".

"Forgot to give me or forgot to buy?"

"Just take the present" he smiled, handing me a small parcel wrapped in silver holographic paper. I unwrapped it carefully, unusual for me but something told me this wasn't one to just rip open. As I peeled off a strand of sellotape I glanced up at Bart, he was watching intently, his face full of anticipation. I returned my gaze to the small navy box that had been revealed and slowly opened it, being cautious not to drop it – I could be really clumsy at times. Inside was the most beautiful ring I'd ever seen. A simple gold band with one huge diamond in the middle, projecting a rainbow of light under the living room chandelier. I could do nothing for a few moments than just stare speechless at it's beauty - that a person like me could own something like this, and most of all that Bart had been the one to give it to me.

"Is this…" I couldn't even find the words to finish the sentence – I was too overwhelmed with emotion.

"We're seventeen", he told me. "Still at sixth form. I know we don't need to rush things – we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us. But I just want you to know, I want to spend it all with you". He paused, his eyes full of regret. "I don't want to be all talk. Not like before. The amount of times I told you how I felt and then-" he broke off mid-sentence. Typical. "And then ditched you to go back to Sinead", he continued, finishing off a hard sentence for a change. "Not just Sinead. Ruby before her. Or even my mates at school, because I was too much of a fucking coward, scared of what people would think. I wanted you to have some proof that I'm serious".

I could feel myself grinning really cheesily as I slipped the eternity ring onto my index finger.

"I did a lot of thinking in Dublin", he continued. "And I'm so, so sorry. For everything".

"Don't be". I shook my head, smiling, as I pulled him in for a kiss.

"Ugh". Seth made a noise of disgust as he walked in on us. "Don't make me throw up my breakfast".

"Delightful", I replied, pulling away slightly from Bart. "Except for that to happen you would have actually had to bothered making it this morning".

"Oh my God – you're getting married?" Seth's shocked face as he clocked the beauty on my finger was priceless.

"One day", Bart answered, pulling me into an embrace. "But it's an eternity ring".

"Good job Dad's on the other side of the atlantic", Seth scoffed, mistakingly thinking he was cool, "cause he's going to flip when he hears you want to be stuck with Bart McQueen for the rest of your life".

"When he hears what?" Mitzeee asked as she entered the room carrying no suitcases but at least a dozen shopping bags. "You better not be pregnant Jasmine Costello", she warned but she was laughing.

"Mitz", I smiled, getting up to hug her. Even as Jason, when it came to missing family I'd always acted like a little girl.

"Hey guys". Riley followed Mitzeee into the living room where we were all now congregated, five suitcases in tow – four of them hot pink. "Merry Christmas".

"A bit late for that isn't it?" Seth laughed. I could tell he was secretly too pleased to have them back to really be annoyed – usually two weeks away from them would have been a breath of fresh air but over Christmas it really had been strange without them. Almost as strange as last Christmas, with just me and Dad in California – with sun on Christmas day – and me questioning my gender once more.

"Yeah sorry about that". Riley's apology was casual, as if he'd missed footie in the park not the biggest day of the year. "We had stuff to sort out".

"And why couldn't you have sorted it out at home?" I asked.

"We just needed some space to get things straight", Mitzeee replied hurriedly.

"Anyway, onto more important things – why have you got a ring around your finger?" Riley shot Bart a look of death. He reminded me of Dad way too much sometimes.

"Yeah you still haven't answered my question Jas", Mitzeee added.

"What question?" I looked to Bart for help but he looked just as confused as I was.

"Are you knocked up or not?" Mitzeee paused, as if thinking about something serious. "I know you're seventeen now but do you think MTV would make an exception for the daughter of Carl Costello?"

"Jas". Riley was looking increasingly concerned. "Answer the question".

I found the worry on his face amusing so decided to leave it a little longer before answering. Apparently I left it a little too long because Riley was now right in Bart's face, yelling at him.

"Riley relax – I'm not pregnant!" I yelled.

"Well there goes the MTV deal", Mitzeee sighed. "I mean, that's good of course", she added quickly.

"It's just an eternity ring", I informed them, growing tired of having to correct people.

"Right. Now can we finally sit down and relax?" Mitzeee asked then flopped down on the sofa before receiving a response.

"Relax", Riley repeated, collapsing next to her. I noticed they seemed to be sitting a bit too close. "That sounds good". As he said the last bit he stretched his arm around her, pulling her closer as she snuggled in. Seth and I shared a worried look. That was the kind of behaviour expected from Bart and I – a couple. Not cousins.

"What the bloody hell is going on?"

Riley's relaxation was interrupted by the shrill angry voice of Mercedes McQueen, stood in the doorway with Bobby, a look of fury on her face as she asked the question on every-one's minds.

As Bart and I watched the New Year's Eve fireworks go off at midnight, downstairs was still also pretty explosive. I couldn't make out individual words but from what I could I could tell that Mercedes was not happy.

"Bart, you know Riley and Mitzeee earlier? Did they seem a bit … weird to you?"

"Your family are always weird", he replied. "Both of our's are".

"I meant to each other", I laughed. "Almost like they were together".

He appeared to think about what I'd just said for a few moments.

"I don't know", he replied finally. "A bit".

"But they're cousins. They're family".

"Well it's still not as screwed up as the McQueen's", he smiled. "Theresa's Jacqui and Mercedes' half-sister _and _cousin".

"True", I smiled, feeling only slightly comforted.

"Anyway, forget them", he told me, turning me to face him. "I haven't said happy new year yet".

"Yeah you have".

"Not properly".

Before I knew it he was kissing me, softly and gently and it was almost like the first time all over again. Not the first time when I pushed him off – properly, at his house, when we skived off school for the afternoon. Inevitably we had to break apart at some point but as we did so I knew we both would have liked it to have lasted as long as my new ring.

"Happy new year", he grinned.

"Happy new year", I repeated, smiling back at him as I thought back to New Year 2011 when we'd also spent it in my bedroom, and how this time I knew for certain that the year ahead would be a good one, and there was no doubt that I'd be spending it all with Bart McQueen.

All the noise and commotion from downstairs stopped abruptly. Bart and I shared the same confused expression as we both instinctively headed for the bedroom door to go downstairs and see what was going on.

"You bastard", I heard Mercedes whisper from the stairs, terror in her voice. On hearing her Bart legged it down the stairs and into the living room where he joined them in their stunned silence. Confused as hell, I rushed down after him.

As soon as I entered the room my feet seemed to stick to the floor, unable to move. Time seemed to stand still.

"Mercedes", my grandfather snarled sinisterly. "Happy new year to you too".


	16. I Needed You

**Jasmine's P.O.V**

I could hardly believe the sight before me. A scene I'd seen so many times – my Grand-father Silas turning up unexpectedly, standing grinning in the doorstep, hair slicked back as if he was still a top journalist even though he'd been retired for decades, carrying a small bag of which I assumed the contents were intellectual books and chess pieces. However seeing this no longer brought me joy – far from it. I felt physically sick just looking at him, like I should run to the bathroom but my legs refused to move. My whole body did.

I could tell from the tension in the room that everyone else felt the same, probably with the exception of Silas himself – I hated referring to him as "Granddad" anymore, however Bart managed a slight movement to reach for my hand, giving it a squeeze. He was looking directly at me, the concern in his eyes overwhelming, but for once I couldn't make Bart my sole focus. He seemed to share the thought as his eyes wondered towards his cousin, who Silas had locked in the cellar underneath the pub for weeks on end with the intention to kill her as soon as Bobby was born.

"You alright Merc?" He asked shakily even though she was clearly the opposite. She couldn't even summon herself to nod in response.

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER ALRIGHT!"

The situation had trapped me in such a dazey state, it took me a while to register the northern accent of my boyfriend, right up against Silas's face, his voice roaring at a volume I hadn't known it was possible to reach.

"Both of them", he added, still almost yelling but stepping back and composing himself slightly. "Jas and Mercy". He shook his head. "All of them".

"I beg your pardon", Silas replied mockingly. "But that is no way to speak to your elders".

The weirdest thing was that I didn't even know how I felt. This man had killed my mother and a part of me did contain a strong hatred towards him, but he was also the man that had sat me on his knee and read me bedtime stories even when I was probably too old for them, the man that I'd felt able to tell anything. The only adult in the family who had seemed to just get it. I'd loved him so much and if my time in Hollyoaks had taught me anything it was that you couldn't turn your feelings off that easily.

Maybe it would have been easier if I'd gone to his trial – gotten some closure. As it was, I hadn't seen him since November the previous year, in this very flat, when I'd walked in on his confession to Riley, him begging for forgiveness, the police racing to take him away. I'd tried not to think about him, to occupy my mind with other things – my new life in California, my fresh start. But the past has a way of catching up on you.

"_Jasmine?_"

Granddad – _Silas_, Jas, _Silas_ – was now staring at me intently, as if he couldn't believe his eyes. He wasn't the only one. All of the conversation, if you could call it that, since _I beg your pardon_, I'd missed as I'd been too deep in my thoughts, but now I was snapped back to reality.

"Yeah". It was a pathetic reply but it was the only one I had.

"Jasmine".

Bart grabbed him by his collar as he repeated my name.

"I said stay away from her alright?"

"Bart stop it!" I could hear my voice going up a pitch, quavering as I struggled to hold back the tears. I wasn't sure why I wanted to cry – whether it was fright towards the serial killer in my living room, concern for the safety of myself and my loved ones, the past being dragged up once again, Bart getting so annoyed – it was probably just a rush of emotion triggered by the shock of what was happening.

"I'm calling the police", Mitzeee informed us all shakily as she made her way over to the landline phone.

"Please", my grandfather begged, desperation in his voice, in his eyes. "Just give me ten minutes".

"Or what?" Mitzeee challenged, not looking anywhere near as strong as she was probably trying to. "Or I'll end up in a graveyard next to India Longford? I'm sure that would do wonders for your sentence".

"Just ten minutes", he repeated, looking on the verge. "You're my family". He looked at Bart and Mercedes with a vengeance. "With the exception of the McQueen's", he added. "Mercedes. You're looking better than the last time I saw you. Ah, and Bart – back now Jasmine wants to be a girl I see. I wonder if it would be the same if she were still Jason". He stroked his chin. "Questions questions".

"Fuck off", Bart told him, looking about to burst into tears, his tough guy act out of the window.

"Let him have his ten minutes", I said. "I want to know what he's got to say".

Everyone stared at me in shock as I walked over to the front door and closed it, gesturing to Silas to sit down. No-one moved except for him and myself.

"You're Jasmine again", he repeated as he sat down, shaking his head in disbelief. "I always thought you were sure".

I sat on the opposite sofa, he reached his hand out to my knee. It was just a small, light touch but it made me want to scrub my whole body thoroughly with soap.

"It must have been such a hard decision", he told me, the look in his eyes that of my caring Granddad and not of some-one capable of murder.

"It was", I agreed, realising tears were cascading down my face. "I needed you".

It was true – all the way through my transition back to Jasmine, he and Bart had been the two people I'd wanted by me the most. The people who would've known what to say. I couldn't talk to Dad. The first time he'd found out about my confusion had been when he saw me running out of a hospital room thirty minutes before I was due to have the procedure to turn me into Jason completely.

"_Okay Jason, you just need to drink this", Charlene, a nurse I was by now used to, smiled as she handed me a small plastic cup containing the drugs that would put me out for the duration of my sex change operation. I looked down at my chest – it wasn't strapped down as it needed to be worked on during the procedure. For years I'd strapped it down as hard as I could, until there was almost no feeling in my entire upper body. It had seemed ugly – the amount of times I'd considered just cutting them off before coming to my senses were countless. However over the past few months I'd found myself questioning my opinions on my body and had tried out dressing as a girl in the privacy of my room on multiple occasions. As I looked down at my unbinded chest now, all I could think of were the things that myself and others had said about my gender in the past._

"_**Jasmine's gone Mum – I'm Jason now. I can't go back, and even if I could - I don't want to".**_

"_**Do you think I chose to be like this? Don't you think I could stop feeling like this if I could?"**_

"_**How would kissing you make me**__**gay? You're a girl! All this, it's not who you really are, and deep down you know**__**that Jasmine!"**_

"_**Jasmine didn't leave you, Bart. She just … never really existed".**_

_I felt tears building up in confusion as the words of the past whizzed through my brain to the vision of my now visibly female body. I'd been so wrapped up in convincing everyone I was still intent on becoming a boy that I'd pushed my own views to the side, hadn't sorted out my head. As soon as I'd started to have doubts I'd known that if anyone were to discover that I'd be forced back into being Jasmine Costello, having many a frilly dress and make-up set thrown my way. Everyone would be ecstatic. And I wasn't sure that was what I wanted yet. I wanted time to sort things out. But I hadn't used the time to do that, and now here I was, lying in a hospital bed about to change into a boy._

"_You know all about the procedure?" Charlene double-checked, more because she had to than anything else – she knew how many times I'd been talked through it._

"_Yep"._

"_Any last minute questions?"_

_I shook my head vigorously, desperately trying to shake the voices of doubt from my head and swallowed the drugs in one gulp, just wanting everything to be over. The thought of not being able to go back now was terrifying and I just wanted to go to sleep and block it all out as soon as possible._

"_Okay well we'll wait until your asleep then get you into the theatre, then we're good to go", another nurse I didn't recognise told me. "You'll finally get what you've always wanted"._

"_**Be who-ever you need to be", **__Anita Roy's words sprang into my mind. __**"Boy or girl. But you're going to need to decide".**_

_I didn't know what I wanted. But I knew for certain that I was in no state to go ahead with something this definitive._

"_I'm so sorry", I spat out in a rush as I jolted out of the room, bursting open the door and legging it down the corridor. I had no idea of where I was or where I was going but I just needed to run._

"_Jason?"_

_My Dad's voice came from behind, sounding concerned. I ignored it and continued running. I heard the sound of him chasing after me._

"_Son? What's happened? Have they done something? Jason?"_

"_DON'T CALL ME THAT!" I yelled, flinging myself into a near bathroom and locking the door. I didn't know what I wanted him to call me – I wasn't sure I wanted to be called Jasmine either, I didn't know what I wanted. All I knew was that I wanted to be the one who made the choice. I didn't want others defining my gender for me._

_As I collapsed to the floor, the drugs starting to kick in, tears streaming down my face, there were only two faces in my mind. Bart and Silas._

_First I saw a car approaching, it's speed high – it seemed the perfect opportunity. I flung myself in front of it until the glass of the front window shattered and cut into my face as I was pushed to the ground._

_I heard gasps, a car door opening, hurried footsteps, then felt a hand around me._

"_Jas?" Bart's voice was unmistakable – he sounded broken. Past the point of tears. It was in that moment, that one word, that I learnt how much he really cared. I kept thinking about how much he missed Jasmine, how much it killed him knowing that she was never coming back._

_Then I saw my Grandad, coming into my room, sitting down, and being the first person to accept me as Jason, telling me that he'd always noticed I was different, more masculine that most other girls, and that he'd support me. I wanted him now more than ever, no matter what he'd done – he'd know what to say, what to do. But he wasn't there, and he never would be again. As I fell asleep the image implanted in my mind was the sight I'd seen that night in October – my mother's lifeless body._

"You weren't there", I repeated, wiping my eyes and cursing myself for crying over this monster.

"I'm so sorry Jasmine", he told me honestly.

"And what about all those girls? Are you sorry about them too?"

I never got an answer to that question. The next thing I knew Silas was at the opposite end of the room, getting a knife out of his pocket and holding it to Mitzeee's throat.

"You think I didn't notice that, don't you? You secretly reaching for your phone, I presume to call the police. I'm surprised you found a pocket to fit your phone into with the little amount of material you wear", he scoffed. "But you're not cleverer than me, Anne. Never make the mistake of thinking that you are".

Mitzeee didn't say anything, just moved her head to the side, facing away from him as she cried.

"GET THE FUCK OFF HER!" Riley enraged, making his way towards Silas.

"Now now Riley – what did I always teach you? Patience is a virtue", Silas replied, edging the knife closer to Mitzeee. "But sometimes, Anne, there's simply no time to wait about. You just have to get straight to the good bit".


	17. I Almost Forgot

**Bart's P.O.V**

The room seemed to be almost spinning, everything frozen in time, my senses all screwed up beyond belief. The shock of the situation was still settling in and I wasn't taking it well. Everywhere I looked, I saw torture. Pain. Despair. It was implanted on the faces of everyone around me.

Riley – the person nearest to me – his face read disbelief, courageousness, desperation, as he lunged forward in an attempt to snatch the knife away from Silas. Mitzeee – her expression didn't show her usual strength and determination, the self-assured model who could overcome anything and liked everybody to know it. All I could see when I looked at her, the knife so dangerously close to the skin on her neck, was a shaking, vulnerable, powerless girl, crying out for help. She was crying literally, too, a long and heavy stream of tears cascading down her face rapidly, smudging that orange slap I'd often seen my cousins cake onto their faces.

Mercedes was a vision of disbelief as she stood motionless, in the exact same position she'd been in for the duration of Silas's unwelcome visit, her hand stuck to her mouth like glue. I could only imagine what must be running through her mind and none of my imaginations were of anything I wanted my cousin to ever have to worry about. I couldn't help my mind conjuring up the image of her, heavily pregnant and sitting gagged in a cellar, still wearing the dress of the wedding that would never happen, screaming her loudest although she knew no-one would ever hear her. As hard as I tried to rip the image from my head, I couldn't. There was only one other thought my brain would allow, and that was _I want to kill the bastard._

But I couldn't. Not without hurting Mitzeee or myself. Although, for once, I wasn't so bothered about the last one. Not if it meant finally avenging what had happened to my cousin.

Then there was Silas himself – a sly, smug, sinister smile etched onto his face. _He's enjoying this, _I thought. _He's enjoying every bloody moment and no-one can do anything about it. _

Riley snatched the knife from Silas' hand, chucking it to the other side of the room out of his reach.

"Now", Riley said through gritted teeth, managing to keep himself impressively composed. "Let. Her. Go".

"Good try", Silas smirked. "I have to say, I am impressed. But what have I always told you over years of playing chess together, Riley?" He grinned then, his tone mocking. "Always carry a back-up plan!"

With that he dug inside his expensive-looking jacket and pulled out a small shotgun, Mitzeee still firmly pinned against the wall. If she tried, she could probably release herself at this point however all strength inside her seemed to have drained from her body momentarily. I couldn't blame her – I was fixed to the spot myself, unable to do anything but watch the terror that was unfolding before my eyes.

"Granddad, please". Jasmine's voice was quiet, her eyes brimming with tears, as she made her plea. Silas simply stared at her for a moment, clearly comprehending what she'd just said. He did seem to have a real weak spot for Jas.

I looked around the room once more – at Mitzeee, scared for her life, Riley, desperate not to lose her. Mercedes, clearly haunted by the past. Baby Bobby, who had now started to cry – Theresa had said once that babies pick up on atmosphere. If that was true then it was no bloody wonder my second cousin was crying. Then I looked at Jasmine. Both our families were in need of help, her's in grave danger. One of us needed to be the strong one here and judging by her earlier actions of trying to talk to Silas, it sure as hell wasn't going to be Jas. About time I manned up anyway.

I scanned my surroundings quickly, desperate for something to go on – to give me an idea. Nothing. Wait. Slowly, so as not to be seen, I reached out my arm to grab the ornament behind me. I remembered Mitzeee gushing about it when she first bought it – I'd been at the flat at the time, visiting Jas. It was made of heavy glass that would shatter instantly if required, and it's pattern consisted of spikes. Great. Not perfect – a rock of sledgehammer would have been preferred – but in life or death situations like this you haven't always got the time to search for ideals.

There was a loud noise as I smashed the ornament over Silas's head. It took me a few moments to register what it was – not just the cracking of the glass smashing into the side of his skull but also the unmistakable sound of a gunshot. As Silas staggered to the ground, blood pouring from his hairline, so did Mitzeee, slumping against the wall on her way down. Riley rushed beside her immediately, holding her hand as her head lolled to the side and her eyes rolled backwards.

"Jasmine". Silas's voice came out as a hoarse whisper but it was just about interpretable. "Just remember – I'm sorry. But it – some things", he reached out and stroked her cheek, his voice patronizing. "You really are just too young to understand".

With that, he flew out of the door, not bothering to close it behind him. Around five seconds after his departure he returned briefly to the doorway, giving a quick, small wave.

"My manners", he snarled. "I'd almost forgotten. Farewell, Mercedes".

Then he was gone. My first instinct was to let myself be taken over by my current state of shock, go into oblivion and ignorant bliss. Block out Riley's cries for help, Mitzeee's lifeless body, Mercedes' incredibly rare silence, my girlfriend in desperate need of a hug. But no. Bart McQueen's days of being a coward were officially over. I held out my arms as Jasmine collapsed into them, holding her tightly as she buried her head into my shoulder, soaking it almost instantly with her tears. I wanted to stay like that for as long as needed, until she finally felt safe once more, but there were other urgencies that needed to be attended to.

"Jas", I said, holding her out at almost arm's length. "I know this is hard. But for the next few minutes, we've got to try our hardest to be strong, yeah?" She meekly nodded as I went to check on Mercedes.

"You alright?" I asked. Okay so it was a stupid as hell question but what else was I supposed to say? I've never been too great with words at the best of times never mind when I've just had an admittedly terrifying encounter with a fucking serial killer.

Mercedes couldn't even find the strength to reply. Considering this was Mercy, who can't even keep quiet for two minutes on 9/11, her silence spoke volumes. Suddenly something hit me. Silas. In my shock I'd just let him fleet off into the night.

"I'm going out to get him", I announced, not bothering to put on any shoes as I headed for the door. I'd wasted enough time already.

"Bart don't", Jasmine pleaded. "Please".

"You what?" I yelled, finding myself getting angry with her. "He's a murderer, Jas, a fucking psychopath – look what he's just done!" I pointed towards Mitzeee, cradled in Riley's arms as she drifted in and out of consciousness. "What do you want to do, invite him in for tea or coffee?"

"Bart".

I felt Jas tugging at my arm as I stormed out of the flat but ignored it. Ignored her. Sure she had many amazing qualities but the extent of her family loyalty was not one of them. So he was her granddad. She loved him. Big deep. Whoop de fucking doo. She loved her Mum and Mitzeee too but that still didn't seem to cloud her perfect vision of Silas. How screwed up was that?

I rushed down the stairs leading to the main pub section of The Dog, skipping half on them in my hurry. The bar was empty. Shit. Why did Jack have to decide to be one of the only pubs in the world to be closed on New Year's Eve? If it'd been open, the place would have been packed and Silas would have had no escape. He wouldn't have been able to enter in the first place.

Luckily Silas had left the doors unlocked and I legged it outside into the crowds of people cheering, drinking and laughing as they celebrated the start of 2013.

"Hey, Bart man", my best mate Jono slurred drunkenly as he wrapped his arm around me. "Happy new year".

I pushed him off me, not even bothering to respond. There was no time and besides I couldn't concentrate on anything other than finding the monster that kidnapped my cousin.

As I pushed my way through the throng of people congregated by the village pond I vaguely heard Maddie's voice calling me back, asking what was wrong. I just carried on running, desperate for any clues as to where he might be.

I woke up the next morning with the entire population of my household surrounding me and an ice pack on my head. It took me a moment to recall the events of the night before – I assumed it was the night before anyway – and sit up straight in bed.

"Did I get him?" I asked.

"No love", Myra replied, shaking her head. "But you tried your very best. We're all so proud of you".

They all nodded, including Liberty who was for some reason as equally involved in the situation as the others who I'm actually related to and speak to. Lib's just my cousin's annoying friend who happens to live with us because her family is even more screwed up than ours and live in a van. However Theresa gets annoyed whenever I say this and I really couldn't handle any more drama right then so I kept my mouth shut.

"We are", Mercedes agreed, speaking again. "You were the bravest one there".

"So what's happened to him?" I wished I could take the words back as soon as I said them because I knew the answer would not be something I'd want to hear.

"Well that's just the thing", Auntie Myra continued. "No-one knows. Died from the damage you did to his head, hopefully".

"But one things for sure", Carmel butted in, trying to take control and failing as usual. "There's no way he'd come back here. Not again, not after what's happened. He'd have to be stupid. No – he'll get as far away from here as possible".

"Yeah that's what everyone said about Kyle Rider", Theresa said un-helpfully. "And look how that turned out".

"Right, okay – Theresa out", Auntie Myra ordered, pointing in the direction of the door.

"I was just saying", Theresa defended as everyone gives her dirty looks, then made her way to the door. Typically Liberty followed her. She doesn't seem to have a mind of her own much. Not that I'm complaining if it gets her out of my room.

"Aw sweet", Liberty cooed on her way out, spotting the teddy I thought was very cleverly hidden. Okay it is mine but I never touch it – haven't since I was about six apart from to put it into moving boxes – but it was bought for me by my stepmum and that makes it hard to get rid of. "What's his name?"

I ignored her until she eventually got the message and left without another word.

"You know, Theresa might have a point Mum", Jacqui pointed out. "We can't just hope for the best and get on with it, like we always do. It never works out. Look what happened to Mercedes, to Mitzeee, to Theresa – to our Tina".

"No", Myra shot back quickly and firmly. "We've had more than our fair share of doom and gloom in this family Jacqueline McQueen and there won't be any more. Silas is gone now and he's not coming back. That's all I'm saying on the matter". With that, she left the room.

"Typical", Jacqui sighed, rolling her eyes. "Burying her head in the sand as usual".

"Oh for God's sakes, Jacqui", Carmel criticized. "Do you ever have anything optimistic to say?" She turned to the rest of us. "You know, maybe Mum's right – I think we should just be thankful that Bart came out of this okay. You know, show God our appreciation".

"I'll go call the pope", Michaela said sarcastically. "Get him to come and do a private service for us here at Bart's bedside".

"Oh", Carmel squealed excitedly. "Do you think he'd do that?"

The next few days were a blur, all seeming to merge into one. I got up, ate, watched TV, got nagged at by one family member or another, then went to bed again. I did my best to avoid Jas. She was still annoyed with me over going after Silas and to be honest I was annoyed with her, too.

I didn't see her until the day before school, when I was making a forced trip to Price Slice to buy in the McQueen equivalent of groceries, which basically consists of oven chips, ketchup, chocolate biscuits and very little else. She was also in the store, chatting to George across the counter.

"Alright?" I asked as I approached with my items.

"Alright", she replied.

I was reminded slightly of the first time we met but decided to not let myself get distracted, and remember that I was mad at her.

"So I hear you didn't find my Granddad", she tells me.

"Silas was nowhere to be seen", I agree, emphasizing the "Silas" part.

"You know he's not all bad".

"Jas come on", I sigh, "Mitzeee's in hospital because of him. Your Mum's-"

"I know what happened to Mum!" She yells, cutting off my sentence. "But he didn't mean to. It was an accident".

"You're right", I agree. "He meant to kill some innocent girl instead". As I say this I notice Lynsey Nolan walking through the village with Jacqui, both of them looking deep in conversation. It doesn't take much to guess what they're talking about. Or should I say who. It's all around the village. "Oh there she is", I say, pointing out of the window. "Lynsey. Yeah he just wanted her dead instead so it's all okay".

"I'm not saying that", she snaps. "But he's my Granddad. Just promise me you won't do anything like that again".

"Okay", I sigh, knowing this is a fight I'll never win and besides I'm unlikely to come face to face with the man again anyway. "I promise".

"Thank-you", she smiles, giving me a hug. "I know he deserves to rot in jail but – I don't want people taking it into their own hands. Hurting him. I just hope the police find him before anyone else does".

"Yeah, me too", I agree, though not for the same reasons as her. More because I know if I encounter him first I'm unsure of how well I'll be able to keep my promise.

"You two are so good together", George beams, and I take that as my que to leave before he goes all gushy on me.


	18. How Little You Think Of Me

**A/N Sorry for the long delay in updates, the internet was down for ages. For those asking, yes SleepWhenYouDie on FictionPress(dot)co(dot)uk is also me. xx**

**Sinead's P.O.V**

"I mean, she's a _freak_", Maddie told me for the seventeenth time that morning as I ran my hands through my hair, looking at my reflection in the windows of Price Slice. "One visit from pyscho Grand-dad and every-one's forgotten everything she's done to you and its all Jasmine Jasmine Jasmine!"

"Oi", I scolded. "That was low. You know everything Silas did … it was pretty screwy. I'd hate for my family to be like that".

"Em, hello? Baby stealing, any-one? Oh and didn't your Dad and Diane get together when she was his student?" Maddie looked at me mockingly.

"Oh yeah, cheers for that", I snapped. Maddie and I both often dished out comments like this but not to each other. "What are mates for eh?"

"Look, I'm sorry babe", she apologized, taking my arm and linking it in hers as we started walking to college. "I shouldn't have said anything about your family. But I'm just so annoyed! How she thinks she can just waltz back into all of our lives like nothing's happened. It's not like we even hung out before – I didn't like her as Jason and I certainly don't like her as _Jasmine_". She said her name with such vengeance that it shocked even me - her best friend, slightly.

The day before Jasmine and Bart, love's young motherfucking dream, had started hanging around with all of us. Bart had still been mates with Neil and Jono anyway but had managed to avoid me, however now we were all expected to just accept him and Jas into our gang. And with the exception of myself and Maddie, everyone seemed okay with it. Happy about it, even.

"Promise me you won't cause any trouble", I told her. "The last thing I need is any more gossip surrounding me and Bart McQueen".

"She needs to pay for what she's done Sinead", Maddie insisted. "You can't let her get away with it".

"Oh and what are you going to do, eh? Put testosterone drugs in her locker again? Because that worked out so great the last time didn't it. You're lucky Bart's still speaking to you".

"Hey – who's side are you on here Sinead?" Maddie stopped walking and turned to face me.

"I'm on my side", I replied. "This fight you're making up – it's between me, Bart and Jaso - Jasmine. It's got nothing to do with you, so stop interfering. Jesus Christ Mads, the girl's just had the New Year from hell and you're planning to make it even worse".

Maddie rolled her eyes in response. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Bart - on his own for a change, walking through the village centre.

"Catch you later babe", I smiled at Maddie, then walked away before she had a chance to stop me or see where I was going.

"Alright?" I asked as I approached Bart.

"Oh what do you care?" He shot back. Which was more than a bit unfair considering he was the one who got to be with the love of his life while all I got was the force of a Ford Fiat and a broken heart. I considered walking off right there, but I could see he was down about something and it felt as if there was some kind of magnetic field preventing me from leaving him. I knew the feeling all too well – love. Desperately trying to push it away, I made my way closer to him.

"I do actually", I told him. The pause was getting too long and I racked my brain to conjure up something to say that didn't involve a certain Costello. "How's Mitzeee?"

"I don't know". He shook his head. "She's still in intensive care".

"Still? It's been ages since New Year's".

"It's been a week Sinead". He smiled. "Always were a bit crap at keeping track of time".

Why did he have to do that? Refer to the past - to the fact that he knew me better than anyone else, so casually? Did he actually enjoy hammering away at my crumbling heart?

"But she's going to be okay yeah?" I asked eager to change the subject back to something I had no real emotional connection to.

"We think so", he replied. "We hope so anyway. Jas is at the hospital now". As if I cared where "Jas" was. The shortened use of her name made me feel sick. Shortened names are used for people you care about. And Bart wasn't supposed to care about Jasmine.

"And what about you?" I asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. "How are you handling things? You know, since Silas?"

If I knew the Costello's, they wouldn't be giving his feelings much consideration. And life was so hectic at the McQueen's; he was unlikely to be getting much attention there either. He rolled his eyes and looked up at the sky.

"How do you handle something like that?" He asked me.

"Do you want to talk? We could go and grab a coffee?"

I was regretting asking as soon as the question left my mouth. If he accepted the offer, I'd have to put myself through the torture of hanging out with him one-on-one in the knowledge that we'd never again be any more than just mates, and if he rejected me I'd just look desperate. I didn't know which was worse. I couldn't be seen as needy, like I couldn't survive without Bart McQueen. Even if that was how I did feel inside – there was no way I could let it show.

"Yeah, alright. Thanks". He smiled. I wished he'd stop doing that – that cheeky grin of his had always put an end to my strops. Cheered me up when I was feeling down. So many memories but what use were they now?

The walk to College Coffee seemed to last an eternity – walking alongside Bart, chatting casually – no charm, no hand-holding, no flirting, no him calling me "babe". But at the same time it was nice to just be with him – I hadn't talked to him in so long apart from conversations in my head where I made up his responses. How fucking desperate was I?

"I'll buy", I told him as he sat sprawled himself out over one of the large comfy sofa's that Tony hated us teenagers using. Apparently it looked better if the first thing you saw when walking in were professional-looking adults. As if any of the adults in Hollyoaks village looked professional in the slightest – one of the women my mate Ruby lived with – Nancy was it? Yeah, she liked to think she was the only business-woman in this place but in reality she wrote a minute column for the back pages of a scabby local paper that nobody used for anything other than lining their cat's litter bin.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yeah – well you look like you could do with a treat", I told him smiling.

"Alright well I'm not complaining – ta Sinead. Hot chocolate with whipped cream?"

Of course that was what he wanted. He always had that, every time he'd been in this place since it had opened.

"And I'll try and nick you one of the biccies they hand out with the coffee's", I added, knowing exactly how he liked it. Well I had dated him for two years. How long did he even go out with Jasmine for again? Oh yeah that's right – three months before she decided she was a he. And now they'd been back together for what … five months at the most? All five of which she'd spent having some kind of dilemma instead of focusing on how bloody lucky she was to have my Bart. I bet she wouldn't know to take the coffee biscuit.

"Aw thanks mate you're the best!" Bart exclaimed happily.

_Mate_. I stormed up to the counter.

"Two hot chocolates with whipped cream", I told Tony flatly without bothering to use my manners. I was too pissed off for that.

"Aw, for you and Bart is it?" Tony smirked. "I knew you'd get back together".

"Well you thought wrong then, didn't you – because I only brought him here to stop him stressing over him and Jasmine bloody Costello so much", I snapped.

"Oi", he scolded, smirking again in that irritable way of his. "Watch your language – I don't want this place getting a bad reputation".

"Well let's face it Tone – if it got a reputation at all it would be an improvement", I told him – I wasn't in the mood for his business-man crap today. Business man my arse – his last two major businesses – Il Gnosh and Look Sharpe had gone beyond screwed up. Il Gnosh had gone up in flames due to his idiotic brother – okay so Bart was also partly to blame for that one. Him and his fucking relationship with Jasmine. But Look Sharpe … Tony had let Cindy just waltz in there, change it completely (although admittedly I did prefer the name Cinergy), and claim it as hers. Just like I'd let Jasmine do with Bart.

"Alright, no need to get snappy with me", Tony smiled. I noticed he was all smiles with us teenagers lately – in the last year he'd tried to help us out a lot. I figured it was partly because Jono and Neil both worked for him and partly because he'd been dating Diane on and off for a while now and wanted to keep me sweet. "But if you two love each other", he told me. "You can work it out. I promise".

With that he slid two hot chocolate's across the counter towards me.

"Oh and no docking the biscuit stock Sinead – I've seen you do it".

"Thanks Tony", I replied – not about the biscuits obviously but for the hope he'd just given me about Bart. "I might just have to put a good word in for you with Mum".

I smiled at him cheekily then went over to sit with Bart, being careful not to screw up by being clumsy and spilling the drinks.

"So", I said as I pulled out my chair and sat down. "Spill".

"This isn't a piece of bloody gossip Sinead", he snapped.

"I never said it was Bart but you can either go around being all depressed about it or we can talk about it now, you get if off your chest, and then you can actually have some fun. When was the last time you had some of that eh?"

He didn't answer for quite a while so I continued.

"The Bart I knew would never let it get him down like this – not for this long".

Words I'd said what seemed like decades ago came flooding back to me.

"_**Jason – do you love him? …But you're a boy … You want him to be happy, don't you? Because I can make him happy. And all you're going to do is bring him pain and misery, and I'm sorry but it's true".**_

At the time, I'd been referring to Jasmine's need to be a boy being the cause of the pain and misery but now I started to wonder if it was just Jasmine herself. Sure, Bart had called me a drama queen but what dramatics had our relationship actually consisted of? Nothing that wasn't caused by either Jasmine or even worse, Jason.

"Yeah I know Sinead", he sighed. "But how can I act happy when everyone else is so bloody miserable? If Jas is still all upset, then … well I should be too".

I was starting to consider just taking him to a club or something right then and there to get him to snap the hell out of it but decided he might actually need to get it all out of his system first.

"You know, I went downstairs in the middle of the night last night, to get something to eat", he told me. "And when I got to the stairs I could hear our Jacq and Mercy talking. I knew it must be pretty serious if Jacqui was here and not with Rhys". I nodded. "It seemed like Merc just wanted some-one to talk to – she was still proper shaken over the whole Silas thing. She doesn't let it show – even I thought she was okay – but she's not. She's terrified he's going to come after her".

"She's not the only one", I agreed. "Declan's round our place a lot, hanging out with Finn". Bart looked confused. "You know – Declan Brady". Still confused. "Brendan's son?"

"Oh right – yeah I think I know who you mean. Him and Finn are mates then?"

"Yeah – well Finn had to get some sometime", I joked. Bart laughed along with me – seeming genuinely happy for a moment. Finn had always had friends but I still liked to use my little brother as the butt of the joke at times and Bart knew this. I wondered if Jasmine had made him laugh at all since New Year's.

"Anyway", I continued, "I've heard him talking – saying that Lynsey's pretty scared too, just doesn't want to admit it. And me and Mads managed to get served in the SU Bar the other day – she got us fake ID's – and we overheard Texas Longford talking about him, too".

"Shit", Bart replied. "The old guy's really got some effect. Jono mentioned something about Nancy being a little worried too".

"Ruby never told me that", I replied moodily – annoyed that the girl who reckoned she was still my best friend hadn't bothered to mention it. Then again I rarely made time to talk to her one-on-one. Not the point.

"I really want to find the guy", Bart told me, sounding angry. "And if possible, I want to kill him. For what he's done to Jas – to our Mercy. No-one messes with my family and gets away with it yeah?"

I knew he was serious – if there was one good thing you could say about the McQueen's – and let's face it there probably was only one good thing – it was that they were loyal. Okay, so maybe you had to give or take an affair or two but when it came down to it they'd kill or even give their lives to save one another.

"But Jas – she doesn't want me going after him – even talking about him badly. Even after everything he did. She'd kill me if I went after him – not literally but she'd definatly dump me". He sighed. "And I can't lose her again Sinead".

I sighed too, hardly believing what I was about to get myself into.

"I'll help you", I told him. "I'll try and help you find Silas without Jasmine finding out".

"Are you for real?" He asked me after a long pause.

"Believe it or not I do actually care about you, and I do also actually care about your family. For the last year I was pretty much considered one of them, remember?"

He nodded slowly.

"And this isn't just some plan to get back at Jas, yeah?"

I took a moment to try and compress my anger before slowly standing up.

"You know what?" I asked him, doing my best to keep my voice at its usual level. "If that's really how little you think of me you can take your-"

Bart stood up to interrupt me just as I was about to pour his drink over him.

"Look I'm sorry alright? I trust you".

"You sure about that?" I challenged.

"Yeah – look are you serious about helping or not?"

"Yeah I'm serious", I sighed.

"Okay – well I was thinking, there was one person we could go to for help".

"Oh yeah – who?" I was dreading his answer.

"Isn't it obvious?" He replied. "Brendan Brady".


	19. If Something's Happened To Her

**Sinead POV**

As I stood at the serving end of the bar opposite Brendan Brady I was seriously starting to regret my earlier decision to help Bart. He'd yelled at five people so far in the time I'd been stood here and the only member of staff that seemed unfazed by it was Ash Kane – my supposed reason for being here. When questioned by Cheryl about why I was here when I'm underage I'd explained that Callum had asked me to pass a message onto his sister – really I was waiting for a quiet moment to have a word with Brendan in private. To be fair to Bart he had offered but he was rarely allowed to set foot in this place since his little stunt at Halloween last year. I'd told him I'd do it – joking that one of us had to stop acting like a girl – but really I was bricking it. I decided I'd better start up a conversation of some sort at least.

"Hey Brendan", I said, using up all my courage on just those two words. He turned to face me, twitching his moustache. I gulped silently then continued. "Have you heard any news about how Mitzeee's doing? I've been dead worried".

It wasn't much but it was the only conversation starter I could think of.

"Ah", Brendan replied stroking his moustache. "Mitzeee". He walked closer to me. "Now why would you ask a thing like that?" He inspected me closer. "How old are you, anyway?" He asked, pausing before the last word to do some sort of weird twitch with his face. "Seventeen?" I nodded. "So why would a little girl like you, care about some-one like Mitzeee?" He stared me down with a deathly glare. "Unless you're just looking for" – he got even closer to me as he whispered the last word "gossip". He laughed then as if he'd said something funny, which he hadn't. "You see the thing is you don't want to mess with me, kiddo", he laughed. "I'm sorry – did that term insult you? Did it?" He tilted his head to one side. "Let's see, what else can we come up with instead? Something less … derogatory. Kiddie. Kid". He tilted his head to the other side now. "Adolescent. Pubescent. Child". He leant against the bar with both hands, facing me directly. "Whatever you want to call it it's too young to be in here so I suggest you get the hell out of my club", he told me sternly. I left quickly, secretly feeling a little bit shaken. I guessed we were going to have to come up with a plan B for finding Silas because we would definatly not be getting any help from Brendan.

**Jasmine POV**

She looked so peaceful – lying there with her eyes shut and her head flopping down and framing her face perfectly. Without all her slap she looked even more beautiful than usual. If it wasn't for all the wires and machinery surrounding her she'd look great. But she needed it – it was keeping her alive.

"She's still not woken up then?" Seth asked me, standing by my side holding a cup of coffee. I hadn't even noticed him leave to get it. I shook my head.

"Riley's on his way", he told me. "He had to find somewhere to park".

I simply nodded, feeling unable to form words.

"Bart called", Seth continued. "You should probably call him back some time".

"He's always calling", I told my twin. "I'll call him when I'm ready".

"You know Bart hasn't actually done anything wrong", Seth told me. He paused, suddenly looking concerned. "He hasn't has he?"

"No", I replied. "I just … I just don't feel like talking right now. Not to him – not to anyone".

I stood up and walked out of the hospital room. The sight of my cousin lying unconscious in that bed was too much to handle. Seth got up and followed me out.

"Any-one", I repeated. He went back inside.

I stood outside by myself, leaning against the door to Mitzeee's room, trying to figure out when I got so screwed up. Why I don't want to talk to anybody – not even my twin brother or the love of my life. I think it's because deep down, I know it's my fault that Mitzeee's in hospital. I was always Silas's favourite over Seth – I was always Mum's favourite too, and Dad's. Deep down we both knew that – only neither of us had the courage to say it out loud. For fifteen years Seth was stuck in the shadow of Jasmine Costello – and even a near gender change didn't change that. Even with Jasmine gone she was still the focus of my parents' concern, especially Mum's. And even Jason, the idea of whom neither of them really agreed with, came before Seth. Sure Silas loved Riley too but he knew he was old enough to take care of himself – and anyway he must have known that there was no way his oldest grand-child would ever want to see him again – except maybe in a coffin. No, Silas came back for me and me alone – because I have to be the bloody golden child of the family. Not only have I forced Seth into the backseat all my life I've also been the cause of what could be Mitzeee's death. She's been in a coma for a scary amount of time now. And if she doesn't pull through it's all going to be my fault. That's why I can't talk to any-one – I don't want anyone to get that close to me. I don't want anyone else getting hurt. I'm Jasmine Costello and everything I touch I destroy.

Slowly, tears brimming in my eyes, I reach for my phone out of my jeans pocket knowing what I have to do. I tap the screen to display my contacts then scroll down to the only person that close to me that I'm not related to. The only person I can actually set free from the curse that seems to surround me. The person who's life was finally fine and rosy until I came back. I press dial before I can change my mind.

**Riley POV**

As I lift Bobby out of the car I notice something – a smell. It's only been ten minutes since the last time – I swear flatulence issues is a problem Bobby's inherited from the McQueen side of the family. Myra just has that look about her.

I scan the car park for a portaloo or something – anything that means I don't have to face the embarrassment of carrying a stinky baby through the hospital until I reach a baby-changing facility. There's nothing. Damn it.

I carry him as far as the hospital entrance before I realize I've forgotten to lock my car – something that isn't unusual for me in these last few weeks since Mitzeee's been in hospital. I don't know what it is – I've had family in hospital before – Seth with the steroids, Jasmine when she got herself hit by a car, Bobby after he escaped the volt Silas was holding him inside (albeit inside Mercedes). It hurt every time – seeing a member of family in that much pain. Bobby's my son and my paternal instinct was a strong one even if I didn't visit him as often as I should have done – I had no idea at the time if he was even mine. Jas and Seth mean almost as much to be as my son – I practically raised them some of the time. I know what it feels like when your family is in hospital.

But with Mitzeee – maybe it's just because she's more critical I don't know – but there seems to be this kind of strange pull, dragging me here from start to end of the visiting hours. Not being able to leave her bedside in the time that I'm here. I don't know what it is – or maybe I do and just aren't ready to even admit it to myself yet – something to do with what happened shortly before Silas's intrusion on New Year's – but I do know that there's something about my cousin that makes me need to get inside there and see her right away. Once I've got Bobby cleaned up that is.

**Sinead POV**

As I head outside Chez Chez to tell Bart we need to get thinking of another plan where Silas is involved, I notice he's nowhere to be seen. He's just walked off a left me. Fucking brilliant. As I get out my phone to call Ruby and bitch about it to her I notice him walking away in the distance, kicking the ground as he walks.

"Oi – Bart!" I yell after him. At first I think he isn't going to turn around but to my surprise he does – his eyes slightly red and blotchy.

"Bart?" I repeat his name, my tone softer, as I approach him and give him a hug.

"It's Jasmine", he tells me. I start to panic – I don't like the girl much – well at all – but if something serious has happened to her … "She's dumped me", he continues.


End file.
